For many new parents, bringing home Baby for the first time is not only the most exciting time of life, but also the most terrifying. “I was so afraid that something would happen to this tiny human. He was so small and fragile, and the responsibility was overwhelming,” says Karen Doggins, Kansas City, MO, mom. Conversation about new motherhood often revolves around what to expect physically after Baby arrives, preparing new moms for sleep deprivation being a key topic. However, new research suggests that motherhood actually brings many more changes than society talks about. Elseline Hoekzema, from Leiden University in the Netherlands and leader of a research team studying pregnancy and the brain, co-wrote, “I’ve never seen anything like this in any of the data sets I’ve worked with. In a way, it’s no surprise given the very extreme nature of the hormone floods that women are exposed to during this period, but still I hadn’t expected such remarkably robust findings and this degree of differentiation.”
The study Hoekzema is discussing was published in 2017 in Nature America. Researchers used anatomical magnetic resonance imaging to look at the brains of women who wanted to become pregnant, followed up with new images soon after childbirth and then followed up again two years later. For comparison, they scanned women who had never had a pregnancy. The results showed that, after childbirth, the volume of gray matter in the mothers’ brains changed dramatically, particularly in regions involved in social processes and the ability to attribute emotions and mental states to other people. In layman’s terms, it showed that, after becoming a mother, the makeup of your brain actually changes.
With more time being devoted to understanding the maternal brain and the changes brought on by motherhood, why are these issues not a larger part of the national conversation? We can thank the American spirit of individuality for keeping us focused on doing it “right” rather than understanding why it is hard. “We feel we need to be super moms, and there is almost an embarrassment for some patients in asking for help,” says Dr. Rabiya Suleman, a board certified OB-GYN with HCA Midwest Health. “Having a baby changes the whole makeup of the brain. But it is like breastfeeding—a lot of people think motherhood just comes naturally. But the changes are real, and it doesn’t come naturally for everyone.”
The internal and external pressure on moms to be perfect can cause a lot of stress and heartache. “I spent the first several months of motherhood feeling like a failure. I felt like I wasn't enjoying every second as much as everyone told me, felt like I couldn't keep my baby as happy as I should, felt like I failed at breastfeeding, felt like I wasn't keeping up with cleaning or cooking enough. Because if ALL you're doing is taking care of a baby, you should have plenty of time for housekeeping ... HA!” says Robyn McCracken, Overland Parks mom.
Because moms who struggle feel like they are alone or doing it wrong, they often keep the struggle to themselves and continue to make unnecessary sacrifices for their baby. “We lived in the country on a gravel road and, coming home from the hospital, his head was shaking from the bumps. He was perfectly safe in his newborn car seat. But I was so worried I started crying hysterically, and my poor husband was concerned that I had lost it. We made it home, but we had forgotten to fill my prescription for a pain reliever. I decided I didn’t want to give my child brain damage by driving on the gravel road again, so I suffered with no medication. Looking back, this was ridiculous, but as a first-time mom with no direction, how was I to know the gravel road would not hurt my child?” says Sarah Brown, Overland Park mom.
In order to help navigate the tricky waters of change during new motherhood, Dr. Suleman recommends talking openly with your OB and learning as much as possible. “It helps moms to prepare. To understand that, yes, this is a period of huge change for you and to know they can ask for help,” she says. “If you are more prepared, you won’t be as shocked by it. And you can get the resources you need lined up ahead of time. It takes a village to raise a child and to take care of a mom.”
The Best Ways to Be the Village Every New Mom Needs:
Let her feel human. In the new-baby haze, many moms go days without a shower or a hot meal. Offer to help out so she can shower, fix her hair, change out of her milk-stained clothes. And a nap without worrying about Baby can be a lifesaver! Giving a new mom the TLC she needs can improve her outlook and give her the energy to keep going.
Be supportive. New motherhood is overwhelming. Often, a new mom just wants someone to listen to her talk about her day. Even if all she did was eat, sleep and hold the baby, it is still a big deal. Let her talk, listen to her wins and her struggles and keep reminding her that she is doing GREAT.
Be encouraging. No two motherhood journeys are the same. What might be stressful for one mom is the easy part for another. Don’t compare or pass judgement—give her reassurance that it will get better and that she has the support to survive.
Look for signs of trouble. Cases of PPD and PPA are very common. They are not a failing of any mother, but they do present real potential dangers to Mom and Baby. Look for signs of trouble and be ready to step in and help any time.
Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer and mother of three living in Overland Park.
As always, please consult your health care provider with any questions or concerns.