It is a typical Tuesday morning. The kids and I are perusing the aisles at Target. We walk through the dairy aisle, and Landon notices the chocolate milk cooler. He points to it and says, “I want that Mama.” I tell him no and proceed to the next aisle, but it is too late. He pleads. He tries to climb out of the cart. He yells, “I want chocolate milk,” repeatedly, while I hurry to finish my shopping. My continuous “no’s” only serve to make him angrier. Then, he starts to wail. Thus begins a meltdown.
We've all been subjected to a temper tantrum at one time or another. How a tantrum is handled, however, differs greatly based on a parent's particular teachings or strategy. Some remain firm, unyielding in the face of an angry child's demands. Others buckle, afraid of the public's reaction to the outburst. Some will barter, plead, distract or threaten just to get their children to calm down. While each of these techniques may work temporarily, they do not produce positive results long-term.
According to www.KidsHealth.org, temper tantrums begin between the ages of 1 and 3 years old. This is when children begin to practice their developmental skills. (e.g., walking, talking, etc.) "Toddlers want a sense of independence and control over the environment—more than they may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as a child thinks, ‘I can do it myself’ or ‘I want it; give it to me.’ When kids discover that they can't do it and can't have everything they want, the stage is set for a tantrum," says the site.
My toddler’s pediatrician gave me some pointers on avoiding tantrums. The most effective ways are:
- Assess the child's basic needs. Is he or she hungry? Tired? Bored? If basic needs haven't been met, children are prone to become frustrated or restless in situations where they normally wouldn't.
- Does he or she want attention? Have you been working on another task or giving a sibling your full attention? This could result in an outburst. To a child, any attention is better than no attention when feelings of being ignored surface.
- Are you allowing your child to make small decisions throughout the day? If he or she is not provided room to make some choices, a power struggle will most likely ensue.
- Are the tasks that your child is working on age appropriate? If not, this may also contribute to negative feelings and frustration for your little one.
Of course, looking for each of these indicators will not always deter a meltdown. Kansas City mom Tiffany Moppin says that she uses validation to calm her toddler during a temper tantrum. "I tell her, I understand that you feel angry because you didn't get the toy that you wanted. It is okay to feel angry."
Body language expert, Blanca Cobb, teaches the C.A.L.M method in her coaching program with parents:
C- Close your lips. Parents should stop talking and “listen with their eyes.” Observe the child’s facial expressions and tone of voice. This will help to distinguish between fear, sadness, confusion and anger. “Many times parents want to stop the tantrum as soon as it starts without addressing the underlying emotions of the tantrum,” Cobb says.
A- Acknowledge your toddler’s feelings. Tantrums often escalate because a toddler feels misunderstood.
L- Lower yourself to their level. “Parents should get down on their toddler’s level by kneeling or sitting. When parents sit down on the floor or kneel next to their toddlers, it's comforting to them.”
M- Maintain control of yourself. “The adage ‘parents lead by example’ holds true when managing temper tantrums. Although composure can be a struggle, parents should have relaxed shoulders, hands and facial expressions. Their arms should remain relaxed by their sides. When talking to their toddlers, their hands should be open with palms facing up, which conveys openness and sincerity. To show that they're listening, parents should tilt their heads and nod occasionally. If toddlers sense their parents’ stress, they'll respond in a similarly stressful manner. The more calm the parents, the more calm the children.”
Awareness of your child’s needs and limitations are key in working through challenges. Setting the stage for proper communication now will make all the difference in your child’s future.
Jennifer Bosse is a freelance writer and photographer. She lives in Kansas City, KS, with her husband and two sons.