Although this is not a conversation anyone looks forward to having, discussing your divorce with your children in a thoughtful and sensitive manner can ease the transition for them and provide a good start to future co-parenting.
Some things to consider:
Audience: Most experts agree you should tell your children together with your spouse. This conveys that divorce is a mutual decision (even if it isn’t) and doesn’t place blame. Telling one child before the others and expecting him to keep it from his siblings is generally not a good idea. Gather the entire family and tell everyone at the same time.
Timing: If you are contemplating divorce, don’t bring it up to your children until you have made a firm decision. Try to find a time when you will have sufficient opportunity to be together and no one has to rush off to school, work or bed. Ideally, you should have at least an initial conversation with your children before it becomes evident that one parent will be moving out.
Preparation: Spend some time planning (ideally with your spouse) what you will say. Anticipate tough questions and how you will respond. A bit of preparation beforehand can help lessen your anxiety during delivery. If you are at a loss as to how to begin, seek assistance from books or a counselor. Write down what you are going to say if you need to. For very young children, the Sesame Street website has some useful resources, including a book and a video. The Kansas Children’s Services League also provides educational materials and a parent help line: 1.800.332.6378.
Content: Children typically are concerned primarily with how they will be affected. “Will I go to the same school?” “Will we have to move?” “Where will the dog live?” List for your children all the things in their lives that won’t change. Do not discuss details about your spouse’s behavior. Do not argue with your spouse during the discussion. Be as polite and respectful as you can. If you don’t think you are up to this task, enlist help from a counselor or clergy member until you are able to interact civilly. If that proves to be impossible, two separate conversations are better than a joint talk that escalates. Stick to the basics: Who will move out and when and what the child’s schedule will be. Reassure the children that they will still have lots of time with (and love from) both of you. Make age-appropriate books or videos about divorce available, but don’t require them. Don’t try to overly control your own feelings. Letting your children see you be sad is okay; however, don’t cast your kids in the recurring role of having to comfort you. Reinforce that the divorce is a joint decision and an adult decision. Focus on the fact that parents never stop loving their children.
Questions: Address both the questions your children ask and those that may be unspoken, such as “Is this my fault?”, “Do I have to decide who to live with?” and “Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?” Affirmatively tell your children that the breakup is not their fault, even if they don’t bring it up. Don’t provide lengthy explanations beyond what is asked. Simple, short answers are best.
Follow Up: Most of us know a family that is going through or has gone through the divorce process. Each family is unique, and you shouldn’t set any expectations on how your children will react based on friends’ or family members’ experiences. Even the friendliest of divorces causes a major change in your children’s lives. They may not tell you if they are hurting. Watch for changes in their behavior. Ask teachers, sitters and extended family to make you aware if they notice anything unusual. Maintain children’s routines as much as possible. Young children may become extra clingy, have problems sleeping or regress to more childish behaviors. Older children may become withdrawn, spend more time with friends or let their grades or activities suffer.
Try counseling if the changed behavior doesn’t improve or worsens over time. Most of the local counties require a parent education class as part of the legal process to obtain a divorce. Some counties provide classes for children. Make attending these classes a priority. Children can benefit from talking to other children going through the same thing. Don’t discuss legal or financial details of your case unless it directly affects the kids. Don’t leave paperwork or messages where children can access them.
And don’t expect one talk to be the end of the discussion—it will be an ongoing conversation. Remember that as parents we cannot shelter our children from all adversity, but we can help them learn how to handle it and grow from it.
Laura Miller McEachen is a part-time attorney and full-time mommy. She lives in Overland Park.