In the Usborne Illustrated Stories for Boys, my 4-year-old son frequently turns to the story called “The Bed Monster’s Secret.” It’s the tale of Ben Boggle, who every night lies awake in a cold sweat, because how could he sleep with a monster under his bed?
Every night, when Ben Boggle turns out the light, the monster awakes with a snort. It gurgles and growls in the shadows.
Here is the spoiler alert: Ben Boggle ultimately discovers that the creature, despite its horrific noises, is a tiny mouse-like critter with big ears, who happens to be good at math and helps Ben Boggle conquer his worst subject in school.
The moral of the story might be that things are not always (as scary/ big/choose your word here) as they seem. But any parent who’s had to comfort a child pale with fear has wondered: Where do kids’ fears come from? And how can children and parents fight them?
The answer, in many cases, according to Allan Gonsher, a licensed social worker and registered play supervisor with Kids, Inc. Kansas City, is quite simple.
It’s important to explore fears objectively, as curiosities and mysteries rather than things to be afraid of, Gonsher suggests.
“As soon as you say ‘fear,’ you’re already developing a sense that something is wrong,” he says. “It’s important to allow children to have a normal developmental challenge with their imagination.”
Karen Johnson, a mom of three in Olathe, knows what it’s like to face a child’s fear head-on. Her 5-year-old son used to be terrified of loud noises. “Cheering at games would cause him to burst into tears,” Johnson recalls.
But Johnson and her husband did not shy away. They continued to expose their son to noise and talked to him about anticipated noise ahead of time.
“We would tell him he didn’t need to be scared, and that the noise was for a happy reason,” she says.
Eventually, her son’s fear of noise waned.
So much of a child’s young life is processing the world around him. So it’s important that kids learn to take care of themselves and work out insecurities.
“Children have to learn how to be in the room with the dragons and monsters and dinosaurs and ghosts,” Gonsher says.
So often, the passing of fear is simply a matter of time.
Jen Laverentz believes she shot herself in the foot when she recently allowed her 4-year-old son, Hank, to watch Monsters University.
“He did not want to turn off the lights [after seeing it],” says Laverentz, of Overland Park. “He did not want us to leave him at bedtime.”
Laverentz and her husband bought a night-light and at night read their son Bible stories about God’s giving people courage. When Hank still would not stay in bed all night, Lavenentz tried another trick: She promised him a donut the next morning if he stayed in bed all night.
It worked.
A parent’s support is crucial in helping a child overcome a fear, Gonsher says. Keeping situations lighthearted (when appropriate) and keeping lines of communication open are key.
Your child needs to know that you won’t get mad, laugh at her or threaten her own security and confidence. Phrases such as “You’re acting like a baby” or “Your big sister isn’t scared of monsters” do nothing to help a situation; they only reinforce insecurity.
Trust is huge. You want your child to know he can come to you with anything, whether a fear of monsters now or a fear of standing up to peer pressure 10 years down the road. Discussing where a fear comes from opens up a solid, healthy line of communication early on.
“We live in a world where you have to do everything perfectly, always be on time, always look as though everything is fine,” Gonsher says. “I wish parents would relax a little bit and enjoy their children and enjoy their lives.”
Learning to live with and stand up to fear is, in most cases, a normal (albeit challenging) stage of a child’s development.
So, too, is living in an active imagination. By the time a child is 4, her mind is becoming wonderfully, fruitfully imaginative, according to Gonsher.
“To some extent, we need to encourage it,” he says. “I think sometimes parents feel so insecure, like they have this precious, breakable object. Children are precious. But they’re not breakable.”
3 Kid-Rendered Fears and 3 Kansas City Moms’ Responses
Fear: Dark and loud or unusual noises
Mom in shining armor: Missy Landis, Olathe
Fear-fighting weapon: We got our 2-year-old daughter a night-light and reminded her that God was watching over her. Sometimes, we leave on the bathroom light across the hall from her room, and in some cases we allow our dog to stay in the room with her so she feels safe. We always remind her that she is safe and that we will never leave her.
Fear: Trying something new
Mom in shining armor: Karen Johnson, Olathe
Fear-fighting weapon: Persistence. When I made my son try an orange slice for the first time, he was hysterical. He kept it in his mouth for 20 minutes, refusing to chew it. Finally, I let him spit it out. We probably battled with him more than we should have. On his third birthday, we took him bowling for the first time. He cried the whole way there. He was afraid, because he didn’t know what bowling was. But we stuck with it, and he ended up having a lot of fun. Now, I know he can go anywhere and do anything, and I know he will find something he can eat without issue.
Fear: Tigers
Mom in shining armor: yours truly, Louisburg
Fear-fighting weapon: My 4-year-old son developed a fear of tigers after watching Walt Disney’s The Jungle Book. At night, when he couldn’t sleep because he was afraid of the mean tiger, Shere Khan, we talked about where the fear came from. Was the tiger real? Had he ever seen any tigers in our house or in our neighborhood? What happened to that cartoon tiger in the end, anyway? My son’s tiger fear didn’t last long. Today he loves The Jungle Book.
Kate Meadows writes from Louisburg, where she is busy with her two boys. She recently launched a new Website of writing and editing services at www.katemeadows.com.