Every morning before school, Megyn Joyce worries about her lunch. She worries whether her mom has packed her utensils, drink and napkin. She worries whether she has remembered to put her lunchbox in her backpack. If she plans to buy a school lunch, she worries about what they will be serving--even though she is not a picky eater.
Megyn isn't trying to drive her mom crazy. She's one of many children who suffer with excessive worry and anxiety. Lunch may seem like a small thing to worry over, but it's a big thing to Megyn—and she isn't alone. An estimated 10 to 15 percent of American children meet the diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder. "Anxiety doesn't just go away," says Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., founder of The Children's Center for OCD and Anxiety. "If left untreated it becomes more and more debilitating."
The Natural-Born Worrier
Oftentimes, parents of children who are worriers notice the trait very early in life, as early as toddlerhood. This was my experience with my own daughter—from 2 or 3 years old she expressed anxiety over artwork not looking "perfect" or things not going as she had anticipated. Worries are “what-ifs” projected into the future – and often an attempt to prepare and feel in control, says Paul Foxman, author of “The Worried Child” and a psychologist and director of the Vermont Center for Anxiety Disorders.
Children prone to worry often share other personality traits: they tend to be perfectionists, very sensitive to being criticized and often have a hard time relaxing. Worriers usually have a strong need to control things in their lives. They can be highly sensitive to their own body’s signals and to people and things in the environment around them. Their feelings may be easily hurt, and they may have a strong desire to please others.
This anxiety personality style does have positives, says Foxman. These kids are usually high achievers in school. They are often caring and kind toward friends and peers and very sensitive to others’ feelings. If they’re not the shy type, you’ll find them in leadership positions in their schools and communities.
Raising a Worry-Free Kid
How can you know whether that fear of monsters under the bed is a run-of-the-mill phase or something more? Tamar Chansky, founder of The Children’s Center for OCD and Anxiety, has a guideline for parents. She says, "Developmental fears begin resolving within weeks and get less elaborate with time. Anxiety, on the other hand, becomes more entrenched and generalizes. Rather than feeling like you're moving through a phase, you feel like you are sinking deeper and deeper into a hole."
If you suspect your child may be worrying too much, Chansky’s first advice is to schedule a consultation with a child psychologist on your own. The professional will be able to “help you determine if you need to go further (by bringing your child in), or if some parenting strategies specifically for anxious kids will be sufficient,” she says. “It is better to address a problem when it is small than to wait until a child is truly suffering and there is no question that help is needed.”
If you’re sure that your child’s worry is mild enough that professional therapy is not needed, some strategies can help him or her alleviate worry in the short-term and develop the flexibility and resilience needed to deal with ongoing stresses of life.
- Say “so what” to worries. For the “small,” daily concerns, like Megyn’s lunch worries, practice saying “so what?” So what if she has something different for lunch than the other girls? She might say she will feel funny about it, or left out or maybe another child will make fun of her. Taking each of those fears apart and examining them together might help Megyn put her worries in perspective.
- Put worries on a piece of paper and then in the Worry Jar. Your child can make a rule that she can only worry about each of those concerns while she looks at them on the piece of paper. This makes a time and place for worries, which can help keep them from creeping into the rest of your child’s day.
- Instead of “I should,” say “I could choose.” So, “I should go to band practice on Saturday” becomes “I could choose to go to band practice on Saturday.” Emphasize with your child how life is full of choices, and “shoulds” are usually things we do because we don’t want to disappoint others. Deconstruct that together: at times it is okay to disappoint others. We need not make a choice purely because others think we “should” do it.
- Encourage flexible thinking. Anxious children often think in absolutes: black and white, all or nothing. “If I can’t do something well on the first try, I’ll never be able to do it.” If your child is rigid about control (say, he will only wear one color of socks), gently push him to expand his repertoire of what’s acceptable. Have something small “go wrong” on purpose (don’t try it with a melt-down inducing issue), then work together to fix things in a new way.
- Practice imperfection. From your example, your child can learn to set “good enough” standards for herself, instead of unattainable expectations. When she learns how to do something well, but imperfectly, she learns to relax within herself and value her efforts. When you burn the rice, or the cookies come out chewy instead of soft, try to laugh it off instead of getting frustrated or upset. And be careful not to impose your own overly-high standards on your children’s accomplishments. A 90 on a spelling test is a reason to cheer, not a chance to point out the words she missed.
- Model positive self-talk. With my daughter, I introduced the language of “perfectionism” at an early age. If I did get overwrought over something gone not-quite-right, I coached myself in front of my daughter. “Now, I’m all upset because this snowflake didn’t turn out how I wanted it. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, which means I want things perfect--but things not being perfect is okay, too! If I am always wanting everything to turn out perfect, I will probably be disappointed. What do you think?” At 8, after years of this talk (and looking at her own behavior in the same way), she will tell me, “Oh Mom, you’re being a perfectionist again! Just relax.” And she is sometimes able to tell herself the same thing.
- Don’t shy away from your child’s worries. Acknowledge them and help her work through them. Chansky advises, “Teaching kids how to manage their fears will give them skills that they can use for a lifetime. It will give them confidence that they can tackle the challenges of life.”