Gender Rules

Over the past 50 years, our society’s gender rules have undergone a major shift. More women than ever are in leadership positions and in careers once reserved for men. Modern fathers are more involved in child-rearing and caretaking roles. But, do we still inherently treat our sons and daughters differently based on their gender?

            “An unequivocal yes,” says Deborah Smith, Ph.D., a University of Missouri-Kansas City sociologist who studies gender issues. “Within 24 hours, parents are handling male and female babies differently. If boys are crying, they’re angry. If girls are crying, they’re fussy.”

            Gender and age. For children under the age of 6, gender should play little role, if any, in how we parent our kids. Rules like discouraging our little girls from playing in mud and our little boys from crying can be developmentally damaging, Smith says.

            During these formative years when children are curious about exploring a variety of interests, toys and activities, avoid pushing your child in more stereotypical directions. “You might be stopping the best chemist because she’s a girl and ‘girls aren’t into chemistry’ or stifling the best nurse for a boy because ‘boys aren’t nurses,’” Smith says.

            Gender differences. Many parents feel gender differences become more important as children enter adolescence. Chrissy Stewart, a Lenexa mom of two sons and a daughter, says she parents her children with the same general set of rules of behavior, but feels differences in the sexes demand awareness of different issues.

            “General rules are the same, and most expectations for behavior—like kindness and no bad language—but there are just things that parents are more worried about with a boy or a girl that are more gender-specific,” she says. For example, a parent is more likely to talk to her daughter about self-defense and her son about dating etiquette.

            Laura Murphy, a Kansas City-area parent coach, is the mother of three grown children—two sons, 18 and 22, and a daughter, 20. She says parents should work toward the common goal of raising good people, but also celebrate the differences between the sexes.

            “We do want men to model for their sons how to be a strong, good-hearted man in this world. Women need to model for their daughters how to be a loving, caring, good woman in this world,” Murphy says.

            And regardless of whether you have boys or girls, chances are you enforce different rules according to differences in behavior and personality.

            Division of labor. Parents may unwittingly set gender rules when it comes to chores, requiring their girls to complete indoor chores and their boys to take care of outdoor chores.

            “I encourage parents to teach children to do both,” Murphy says. “I want my daughter to be able to take care of her own household inside and out someday, and I want my son to take care of his own household inside and out.”

            Teaching children to care for themselves and their homes should be a universal goal as they grow into adulthood.

            Model respect. Consider the messages you send your children when you and your spouse divide household responsibilities, make child-rearing decisions and treat one another with love and respect. “How the parents view their roles has a lot to do with how the children will view their roles,” Murphy says.

            A mother who handles everything in the household, refusing to share any responsibilities with her husband, sends the message that he can’t doing anything right, and he’s left searching for a role, Murphy says. Children may also assume that women manage everything in the home.

            “I don’t think men need to be the dominating force in the family, but they certainly need to be a leader in the family,” Murphy says. “Work as a team. Sometimes a woman has to defer to the man and the man has to defer to the woman.”

            Honor, appreciate and respect each other’s roles in the household. Your children will learn that gender has little to do with the healthy functioning of a home.        

            “The bottom line is everybody needs to be respected regardless of gender,” Smith says. “Thinking about ourselves as humans first and what are good ideas to create a healthy human––particularly not making a big distinction for 6 and under––would go a long way in helping children develop the full range of emotions and interests and competencies that you just need as a successful human being.”

            Raised with less focus on rigid male and female rules and proactive guidance from you rather than from provocative media or cultural influences, your children can freely pursue their interests without feeling restricted by their gender.

Freelance journalist Christa Melnyk Hines lives in Olathe. She and her husband have two sons, who are learning that it takes the whole family to run a home.