Have your Second Baby First
10 Things We Wish We'd Known the 1st Time Around
You hear it all the time: “My second baby was so much easier than my first.” Veteran parents are more relaxed and prepared than newbies, and why not? They’ve been through it all before. We’d love to bottle that experience and sell it, but in lieu of that, we talked to a group of Kansas City-area experts: postpartum doulas, those wonderful women who come into your home for a few days or even a few weeks to help families adjust to the new arrival. These ladies have seen it all, and they’re here to share their top 10 tips with you.
Before Baby Comes
Tip No. 1: Learn About Breastfeeding Beforehand
Breastfeeding problems dwarf all others, experienced moms say. Doula Tara Wallingford suggests moms find a breastfeeding support group even before having the baby so that they can get comfortable with the group before needing advice. “Even if you’re not having trouble, being around other women who are going through the same thing is immensely helpful.”
Tip No. 2: Plan Ahead
Diana Meisinger advises parents to plan ahead for the tasks they’ll need help with once the baby arrives. “Make a list of what it takes to make your household run in a healthy way,” she says, including cooking, shopping, cleaning and laundry. Then think about who will be willing to help out with those tasks. Don’t underestimate the amount of time—and especially energy—that a new baby will take up.
After Baby Comes
Tip No. 3: See the World Through Your Baby’s Eyes
Mona Snoderly, doula and mother of seven, tells her clients to recognize the simplicity of a baby’s point of view: “They only see what’s close to them, and what they usually see is their mother.” Their needs are basic. Babies don’t care about the nursery décor or whether their clothes match. “They need love,” says Snoderly. “That’s what they need the most.”
Tip No. 4: Sleep Whenever You Can
This one should be familiar: Nap when your baby naps. Whether you’re recovering from labor or a Cesarean, or bringing home your adopted child, the emotional as well as the physical transition will be exhausting, says Wallingford. Even if you can’t catnap during the day, taking a bath or even going to Target for an hour is a good way to “get away and breathe.”
Tip No. 5: Allow Only Visitors Who Bring Food
It’s one of Wallingford’s cardinal rules: When people visit, they bring lunch—whether hot or cold. “Meals can be frozen and gotten out to cook at a later date,” says Meisinger. But it’s important not to overwhelm yourself with guests. “I felt like I needed to play hostess,” doula Jill Clingan recalls, and that’s too much stress for new moms. In those early weeks, keep visitors to a minimum.
Tip No. 6: Ask for Help
Clingan stresses that “moms need to know that postpartum mood disorders are treatable.” Plenty of treatments are available that won’t compromise breastfeeding, so don’t put off asking for help if you’re feeling anxious, depressed or just overwhelmed.
Tip No. 7: Nurture the Family
Tiffany Crabtree says, “Parents haven’t just had a baby, they’ve expanded their family”—and the family as a whole needs care. Take time each day to reconnect with your partner and talk about something besides the baby—work, family or even neighborhood gossip.
Tip No. 8: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Try to relax and let the little stuff go. “Honestly,” says Clingan, “I wish I had just spent more time cradling my daughter ... and less time scrubbing my kitchen sink.”
Tip No. 9: Forgive Yourself
“If you don’t forgive yourself for certain mistakes you may make, then the baby will pick up on the tension,” Snoderly says. Babies are resilient, adaptable and ultimately, forgiving. You’ve got years to cultivate guilt—don’t start early.
Tip No. 10: Trust Your Instincts
“Trust that it’s all going to work out, and if you have questions, there will be answers,” says Crabtree. Clingan learned as a new mom “that rather than following a ritual, I should follow a rhythm instead.” Learn your baby’s rhythm—it’s unique. “Babies are individuals just like the rest of us,” says Snoderly. “If you love your baby, the rest will come.”
Who are the Doulas?
Learn more about doula services and other resources at www.KCDoulas.org.
Jill Clingan, a birth and postpartum doula, is the founder of Sacred Journey Doula Services in Roeland Park.
Tiffany Crabtree is the owner of Doula Heart Postpartum Doula Services in Mission. She has been a doula for six years.
Diana Meisinger, a certified birth, night and postpartum doula, is the founder of Sacred Spaces Doula Support in Spring Hill.
Mona Snoderly of Kansas City, KS, has worked as both a birth and postpartum doula for many years.
Tara Wallingford is a DONA International-certified birth and postpartum doula operating out of Kansas City, MO.
Shawnee writer Claire M. Caterer’s baby will turn 16 this summer.