Adopting Special Needs Children

“Adopted special needs kids don't turn out substantially different than their physical sibling”s says Lori Ross, president and CEO, Midwest Foster Care and Adoption Association (MFCAA)

That's one of several stereotypes Ross confronts about special needs adoption. In the adoption field, special needs usually refers to older children living in foster care homes who may have significant physical, learning, medical and social-emotional or behavioral challenges. According to Ross, who has more than 25 years of direct foster care parenting experience, the top three misconceptions that put up barriers to special needs adoption are:

• Babies and younger infants are less trouble ("Completely FALSE,"she says.) There are more unknowns with infants, whereas with an older child, more information is available. In short, older children are a known quantity, while babies are an unfolding mystery.
• Teenagers are too difficult. Unlike an infant, teens can tell you their needs. (We may not always agree, but at least they are verbal!) Also, says Ross, teens can better appreciate the opportunities an adoptive family provides. Plus, they can "really spice up your life."
• Significant medical issues and physical disabilities are too challenging. These children are often the easiest to parent, as they openly respond to love and affection.

Open your mind to the possibilities and you'll be amazed at the gifts that come to you. – Lori Ross

So, what traits does special needs parenting require? A big heart is generally the first quality that comes to mind. Special needs children thrive in families with a well-stocked reserve of patience, commitment and tenacity. Certainly, the child's emotional needs are important, but prospective families need to consider some legal and practical aspects.

  Sandy Krigel, managing partner with Krigel & Krigel, has more than 30 years of experience counseling adoptive parents. He combines practical and compassionate advice:

• Don't overestimate your capabilities—emotionally, financially and physically. A special needs child may never outgrow his disability or be capable of overcoming the deficits of her early life. While you may have the resources to provide the best care possible, it may not be enough.
• Be aware of the child's limitations. Assemble a phonebook size notebook of the child's medical history and background. Be prepared to contact social workers, health and/or therapeutic care providers, mental health professionals, counselors, schools and foster care parents.
• Consider current and future needs. Are there providers in your area who specialize in the specific areas the child needs? This will be particularly helpful when negotiating an adoption subsidy.
• The best outcomes occur when: families spend at least 1-2 months with the child prior to adoption, parental rights are surrendered by the time the child is 1-2 years old, the parents have prior experience and training with special needs children and are able to accept the challenges. Those who envision high achieving children or are traumatized by a child's behaviors or inability to return their love are less successful.

Support Is Available

Rest assured, special needs adoption families are not alone. Federal adoption law provides monthly subsidies for foster and adoptive parents of children with special needs. These are, according to Ross, "a huge blessing" and help make adoption affordable for middle class families. Several agencies in the area (see sidebar) provide pre- and post-adoption services for the whole family. These may include negotiating special needs education services or locating a dentist who takes Medicaid. Peer-to-peer mentoring puts new adoptive families in touch with experienced families living with the same special needs. Post-adoptive services reduce the number of disrupted adoptions, which occur less often than is widely believed.

One Person Can Make a Difference

Ross offers first-hand advice to prospective parents and she knows of which she speaks: Ross has fostered more than 400 children and formally adopted 21 children while raising five biological children!

Often, families don't anticipate the time, emotion and expenses associated with raising a special needs child. Heart-to-heart conversations with your family and with experienced special needs parents are indispensable. Special needs families often have a secondary support system beyond their current one; identify who might be able to provide that support and discuss it with them in advance.

Ross reflects on her experience, saying, “The ROI (return on investment) is HUGE! All of my children know relationships are more important than belongings, and my adult children actively seek ways to make a difference in the world.”

Kathy Stump (Parkville) and her husband adopted a domestic infant with special needs; they also have a biological daughter.