Buddy Bonds

Understanding and being a part of society is important for growth, development, appropriate adjustment and good mental health. Understanding how to establish appropriate relationships and avoid harmful ones is an important skill, not only because friends are good for us but successfully working and engaging in society requires these skills. 

As a parent you naturally want your child to have friends and be liked by others. You can play a role in helping your child to be successful with making friends, making smart decisions regarding who he chooses to be friends with as he ages and handling conflict appropriately when it arises. “I feel that my role as a parent in helping my kids develop friendships is even more important today, since so much of their social lives are structured rather than just playing casually like when I was a kid” says Brian Hendrickson, Kansas City father of three.

Early Childhood

Young children approach the world by modeling what they see around them—including societal rules and norms—and trying to understand it for themselves. In addition to having opportunities to observe others, kids need opportunities to practice what they have observed in a safe and constructive environment. Play groups, daycares, preschools or afternoons at the playground are great ways to engage young children in navigating early relationships.

In these early pre-friendship stages, you can see children playing side by side in what is called “parallel play.” They will watch one another play and then engage in the activity after the other person has left. This is your child’s way of engaging in the play environment, learning from peers and testing out the social waters. Your child should have opportunities to engage in social interactions with children outside of her own family so she has a chance to understand the complexities of friendships that will exist in school and the world.

While your child is playing, it is important to allow him to navigate freely while you stay just close enough to model appropriate interaction in a conflict. As your young child begins to demonstrate appropriate problem solving skills, step back and let her use them on her own but still be there to give positive reinforcement for good behavior, such as “Thank you, that was nice” or “You did a nice job sharing!” Trusting that you have modeled and reinforced the right things and stepping away as children mature is important. As they enter into their school years, you won’t be with them all day to help them navigate these situations.

School Age

Once your child enters school, he will be faced with many friendship opportunities. This is when really trusting the work you did with him in his early childhood stages will pay off as he begins to navigate social relationships without you. In the early school age years, friendships are built between children who have the same likes and dislikes, as well as based on those who will do something for you.

In later elementary years, friendships become more challenging as children begin to empathize, and relationships unravel when arguments occur over differing opinions—but kids also have the understanding to try to repair them. “I feel that giving my children practice at conflict resolution in their friendships now is a valuable skill for their future relationships” says Katie Hendrickson, Kansas City mother of three. Helping your child understand how to deal with conflict is a major role in these stages, as is tracking your child’s social calendar and organizing their social interactions. You do this through making choices on where you live, where your child attends school, which social clubs he joins and which sports teams he plays on.

Managing the circle of friends that your child has is also influenced by tracking who she spends time with and knowing what they are doing. Encourage conversation at home around what your child does with her friends and get to know the children and the families of those your child spends time with.

Tween and Teen

As your youngster grows into teen years, a shift in how relationships develop occurs. Peers become the core to most teens’ lives, and they desire to spend more time with peers than at home. Your teen will begin to develop friendships more equally between genders rather than just around his own gender. Peer pressure begins to be a factor in this stage as well, and overall, your teen will begin to make her own decisions socially.

As a parent, your role now more than ever is to encourage healthy and open communication with your teen. “I’ve assured my children that I want to hear about their friends and activities, especially now that they are all approaching the teen years,” says  Katie Hendrickson. Have discussions around values and decisions. At this stage in your child’s development, talking with your teen rather than at him may be more productive, because many of the disagreements that take place will have power and control at their core. After all, teens try to assert their independence, and you must continue to fulfill your parental duties.

Helping your child to navigate friendships is no easy task. The role friendships play in children’s lives changes as they grow, as does your role in helping them to navigate those roles. If you model positive behavior, encourage open conversations at home and dialogue when conflict arises, you are well prepared to help your child have blossoming friendships.

Karah Thornton is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area who still treasures her early school friendships daily.