Eight Ways to Squash Sibling Rivalry
“You can’t choose your family ….” I’m sure you’ve heard this quote a myriad of times for a host of different reasons. If only we could choose, things would be different, right? If you have more than one child in your family, then you are no stranger to sibling rivalry. Children don’t get to choose their siblings, and when you have these little mixtures of personalities under one roof, you are bound to have some conflicts. Though sibling rivalry is common and naturally occurs in families, it also leads to competition, conflicts, strained relationships, and even stressful home environments. Parents can play a vital role, however, in managing sibling rivalry by encouraging empathy, understanding and cooperation. Let’s take a look at eight ways to help squash the sibling rivalry in your household … although it is never going vanish completely!
Be a positive role model
Children watch us all the time, even when we think they don’t! As parents, we are the primary role models, meaning we have a huge influence over their behaviors and how they treat others. Children see how we talk to, interact with and love our spouse, family members and friends. Whether we realize it or not, children are learning valuable lessons about how to have healthy relationships and even healthy conflict from witnessing our interactions with others.
Encourage individuality
Try to recognize each child for who he or she is, for unique sets of characteristics and abilities. Find ways for your children to express themselves in a safe way, pursue their passions and explore interests and talents. When children feel valued and respected for who they are, they are less likely to feel resentment toward siblings. Also, avoid comparing your children to one another, a practice that’s a breeding ground for negativity, jealousy and resentment. “As parents, we do our best to see them as individuals and to support their strengths without comparison. We respect and honor their individuality,” shares Amber Schrage, Olathe mom of two.
“In many sibling relationships, the rate of conflict can be high, but the fun times in the backyard and basement more than balance it out.” – Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
One-on-one time
Rae Ann McDaniel, Olathe mom of two, says, “I believe sibling rivalry often happens when kids are competing for attention from their parents. We try to take each kid on their own for special days that just focus on them individually.” One-on-one time doesn’t always have to involve leaving the house or spending money. The time spent can simply be 10 minutes and doesn’t have to be extravagant. Try to focus on doing something your child enjoys … read a book together, play a game, have a snack and chat at the table, or cook dinner together.
Foster sibling relationships
Instead of pitting your children against each other, encourage them to collaborate and work together. Perhaps this could look like planning a meal or cooking together, playing a collaborative game or working on chores as a team. Recognizing and encouraging cooperation instead of competition promotes and strengthens a positive bond.
Praise and recognize the good
A quote by author Jen Sincero has stuck with me over the years: “What you focus on you create more of.” In other words, if you focus on the negative, you are bound to get more of it. However, if you focus on the positive, you are going to get more of that! So look for ways to compliment your children. Catch them being kind, working together or getting along well, then let them know!
Teach skills to get along
Children don’t naturally know how to manage and resolve conflict. Teach them to express themselves in a calm and clear manner, to actively listen to the perspective of others, and to handle disagreements in a variety of ways. By giving your children the proper tools, you empower them to handle disagreements appropriately. On the same note, don’t always step in to help your child handle sibling disagreements. Stay nearby to jump in if needed (if verbal or physical aggression is present, for example), but let them put into play the tools you’ve taught!
Set clear boundaries and expectations
Have clear rules in place that apply to everyone in the household, no matter age or gender. Keep consequences fair and consistent; however, remind your child that fair isn’t necessarily equal. Consequences and rewards should be tailored to each individual’s needs. So while you will always strive to keep things fair, they may not always look the same. According to MindfulLittleMinds.com, avoid telling children you love them equally because this doesn’t help them feel special. Rather, show them that you love them uniquely.
Encourage mutual respect
Help your children understand the benefit of respecting each other’s personal space, belongings and opinions. Put value on kind words and actions. When people feel respected, they are less likely to lash out or be hostile. On the flip side, know that it is OK for siblings to disagree and not like each other all the time. It is OK for them to have negative feelings about each other. You can acknowledge and listen to their feelings and encourage a healthy expression of emotions.
Remember, sibling rivalry happens for many reasons, and several factors influence it as well—things like age differences siblings, gender, personality differences, birth order, family dynamics and the list could go on. Squashing sibling rivalry takes a concerted effort on the parenting end. It takes creating a home environment that is nurturing, loving, mutually respectful and cooperative. It takes modeling, practicing, encouraging and still more modeling … and practicing. But the end result will feel worth all the time and energy. By adding in some of these tips, you can begin your pathway to more harmony between siblings!
Julie Collett has been married to her husband, JC, for 15 years. Together they have four children who engage in plenty of sibling rivalry daily!