Facing Fears
It’s late at night, long past bedtime, when you hear little feet heading down the hallway (again), followed by a small voice that says, “I can’t go back to sleep—I’m afraid of the dark!” Children can be afraid of many different things—some are real things like darkness or heights, and some are imaginary things like monsters and goblins. None of these fears is uncommon to experience during childhood, and at some point, most parents will need to help their children learn to manage their fears.
Fears may arise because of obvious situations in your child’s life, or they may seem to suddenly appear out of nowhere. Even the fears that might not have an easy explanation are worth helping your child overcome, because often these fears may have surfaced courtesy of other things that are going on in their lives. Unexplained fears may be the way your child is communicating with you. Remember, not all communication happens with words.
Whether your child fears being alone, hearing loud noises, going to the doctor or something else, there are ways to help. Coping with fears can be difficult. If you and your children can work together to find ways to move past the fear—prior to their exhibiting a fight or flight response or extreme feelings—that’s great. If not, help them to calm down first then move toward a solution together. Below, you’ll find some ways to help open up a conversation with anxious or scared kids. These conversations can facilitate mindset changes and growth that can eventually help them to overcome their fears.
Take the fears seriously. Even if your child is fearful of something that seems silly to you, keep in mind it’s not silly to him! Saying “that’s not something to worry about” or “you have nothing to be scared of” won’t help the situation. In fact, it might cause your child to think you don’t believe what he says—and make him less likely to come to you with his fears in the future.
Reframe the fear. Kids have a more limited understanding of the world than adults, and they may have a hard time grasping that some of their fears are irrational. If your young child is scared of the vacuum, help her think of it in another way. Instead of “I’m afraid of a vacuum!” have her express what about the vacuum scares her. If the fear of the vacuum becomes “I don’t like the loud noise” or “I’m worried my toys will get sucked into it forever,” that’s the first step to reframing her thought process. After this step, it’s easier to break down her specific fears into smaller pieces and give more information about each one until she feels safe.
Address unspoken fears. Fears might show up as unexpected behavior. A child may not be able to articulate that he is feeling scared, because he might not even realize it himself! To open the conversation, talk about the things you’ve noticed that seem to make your kids anxious. A child who refuses to join her friends at a pool party may really be afraid of drowning. You could say to her, “I’ve noticed lately that you’re hesitant to be in the water. Can we talk about that?” Once children can identify the fear feeling for themselves, it will be easier to make a plan and move past it.
Research the fears. Is your child scared of thunder? Do some research with him about weather and storms, so he has a better understanding of where the scary sound comes from. If she’s afraid of the dark, look up how light is produced. Gathering information can help kids see the bigger picture of what’s going on and naturally lessens the fear that they feel.
Take small steps to reach big goals. To a child, any fear can feel the size of a mountain. Rather than asking kids to climb the whole mountain and get past the fear at once, take time to involve them in a discussion and make a plan for small steps that will lead toward the ultimate goal of beating the fear. Your children can help set the pace for how soon they will try each next step toward their goal. Make sure not to shame them or make them feel bad if they need to work on a step longer than anticipated! Helping them feel safe as they work toward their goals will enable them to keep moving forward. Remember also to reward your children as they overcome each small step. Research their love languages and come up with rewards that will be the most encouraging to them!
Let your children be their own heroes. Don’t rescue your kids from their fears. Instead, empower them to make choices to be brave and overcome the fears themselves! You’ll be there to help them along the way, of course, but ultimately, they need to be able to move past the fear on their own. Believe in them and tell them you believe they can do it! If you have a positive mindset about it, they’re more likely to be positive, as well.
Don’t be afraid to get help. If your child suffers from fears that interfere with daily life or experiences intense or very persistent worries, keep in mind that you can seek additional help. If something is inhibiting kids’ ability to do the things they love, it may be time to set up a consultation with a professional counselor or therapist who can give you and your youngsters tools to work toward a solution. It’s always a good idea to seek help if your child is exhibiting disruptive behavior, withdrawing from activities (or friends and family) or having panic attacks. The ideas here can help your children reach a place where they are able to separate their anxieties from what they know to be true. Everyone experiences fears from time to time, but kids may not have realized that yet. So don’t avoid their fears. Rather, acknowledge them and teach your child how fears can be managed. Together, you’ll be well on your way to a less worried life.
Julie McKinley is a single homeschooling mom, freelance writer and theater teacher. She lives with her two cats and two kids in Lee’s Summit.