Finding independence through letting go

Relinquishing parental control helps children find their own place in the world

In many respects, parenting is all about teaching independence and letting go from the day our children are born. Even when they are babies and toddlers, we teach them to eat, crawl, walk and self-soothe—all important skills that build self-sufficiency.

How can we foster independence in our kids so they are ready to succeed in the world? They’ll need to master many skills over the course of 18 years, and each skill builds on the previous.

The preschool years

We typically don’t think we are letting go of much control when we have a preschooler, but at this age skills such as learning to take care of their bathroom needs, dress themselves, brush their teeth, bathe themselves and clean up their room or play area are all essentials that encourage independence.

Preschoolers can also learn basic life problem-solving skills, such as how to resolve a minor conflict with peers, so they don’t always have to ask an adult to intervene. Being their own advocate goes along with this and requires much independence and self-assertion.

School-age skills

After children start school, they are ready for more chores around the home, such as basic cleaning and laundry. Additionally, taking responsibility for getting themselves ready in the morning without help from an adult is another important skill to learn. Once they can remember or follow a checklist of all the tasks necessary to get ready for school—brushing teeth, getting dressed and loading backpacks—they are ready for more responsibility.

As they achieve independence in the morning routine, they can also start learning how to prepare their own lunches and do some basic tasks in the kitchen. Learning to use a planner to keep track of assignments and what they need to bring to school is an essential because the process involves their taking ownership of their school work and student responsibilities.

Allowing an older elementary age students to be home alone for short periods of time and complete chores during this time allows you to let go of having to always look over their shoulders in order for them to get chores done.

Local mom Rory Aughinbaugh says she places value on having her own room clean if she is going to require that of her children. “If my expectation is for my kids to keep their room clean in order to show gratitude and stewardship, I must lead by example,” she says. 

Establishing individuality as a teenager 

Teenagers truly begin to take the reins of their lives as they prepare to leave home, and two of the biggest elements of letting go and fostering independence during this stage are driving and getting a job.

Efforts to earn money can begin with babysitting or mowing lawns and even include a part-time job, but keep a balance in perspective. “Allow them to have a part-time job, but help them see their limits because you still want them to be able to do well in school and be a teenager,” says Carrie Weeda, a Lee’s Summit mom and teacher.

Allowing kids to drive themselves places is perhaps one of the most difficult steps in letting go. As the teenagers get behind the wheel and no longer require your chauffeuring services, they can also learn how to get places on time and keep track of their own schedules.

Weeda also recommends working with teenagers on having face-to-face conversations with adults using proper etiquette and learning to write a formal email, as these are necessary social and professional skills.

Important to building independence is allowing for failure and not rescuing a child from every unfavorable situation. Weeda says its best to allow kids to fail while they are still under your roof, so you can teach them from the situation. Are they insistent on trying out for the school musical, but you know the audition might not go well? Let them try out and not make it. It will likely give them a realistic view of where their talents lie, and you can use the situation to discuss with them how they can best use their gifts.

Whatever stage of life your kids are in, it’s never too early to begin preparing children for the future and letting them take ownership of their own lives.

Maturing through open communication and example

Kids need to have open dialogue and see independence modeled

Local mom Rory Aughinbaugh says some of the biggest efforts she and her husband have taken to foster independence in their four children are having chores, enjoying dinner together as a family, leading their children by example, having open communication with their kids and investing in their own marriage.

She says:

“Through the nightly dinners, we have been able to establish open communication and regular dialogue with our children. This has been able to lay a foundation for our children to come and talk to us when they are struggling. Yet as a parent, you have to go first and ask the difficult questions. Be in tune with your children to see when they're not acting as they typically would. This only happens if you know your child through regular conversation. When you make a mistake, be quick to ask forgiveness and give a genuine apology. Yes, we make mistakes and bad choices and get frustrated, too. But do you take the time to correct it? Do you show your child what it looks like to fix a situation you created? Yes, it is mighty humbling, and we must lead by example.”

This kind of environment helps children mature and causes them to see what it will take to thrive when it comes time to live independently.

Allison Gibeson is a Lee’s Summit writer and mom who let go in a big way when her son stepped on the bus for kindergarten back in August.