Go Ahead and Go: Kicking Separation Anxiety out the Door
It’s so hard to say goodbye—especially for kids. Whether you’re leaving your child at school for the first time or just dropping him off after spring break, a youngster’s separation anxiety is a very real challenge every parent must face.
Though it seems wrong, separation anxiety is actually a very good thing. In simplest terms, it means your child loves you, feels attachment to you and knows you are her person. She wants to spend all her time with you, soaking up that love you so expertly give. But time apart, wanted or not, is a part of life.
Separation anxiety isn’t forever, and following these tips will help ease the process along for children of all ages.
Get ready for the transition
By the time children enter kindergarten or elementary school, they should be familiar with time away from you. Perhaps your little has even experienced daycare and preschool for several hours at a time. But don’t get it twisted—regular school is different. Gone are the days of checking in with the teacher every two hours and seeing photos as the day progresses. This is the big leagues. Talk to your child early about how things will be different and prepare him mentally for being dropped off or riding the bus.
Don’t dawdle
This is no time for a long goodbye. Make it short and simple and keep the energy positive. Give your child a big hug (or even a high five!), tell him you love him and can’t wait to see him later, then get on down the road. The longer you stay, the greater the chance your child will realize you are actually leaving him there alone—and it goes downhill from there.
Schools generally allow for a pre-meeting with the teacher and the students, so take full advantage of those opportunities. Remind your child of all the new and exciting things he’s going to learn and that you can’t wait to hear about everything!
Don’t disappear
It’s never a good idea to try to sneak away, as it can instigate mistrust between you and your child. Always let her know when you’re going and when you plan to return. Make a plan to tell her the plans, always. The more information your child has, the more secure she will feel in your being gone.
Be ready for hesitation
You can practice and prepare, but your child still might melt down. The idea of being away from you in a new setting (or even an old one) can be extremely stressful. She is leaving a world she knows so well and heading into the unknown. Allow for extra time on the first few days to talk things through. Practice keeping your cool so you don’t let your own emotions elevate the moment further.
If your child is especially nervous about being without you, consider offering a talisman like a cute eraser or a bracelet that is special for the two of you. Let your child keep it in her pocket and squeeze it throughout the day if she starts to miss you.
Be aware of little listeners
Children are always listening, even from several rooms away when they’re supposed be asleep. Be mindful of how you talk with your partner and others about school or transitions into new activities. Rather than saying, “I just worry that nine hours away at a new school is going to be a lot for him,” reframe your language to say, “He’s so excited for school, and we are too! I’ve heard so many positive things about the teacher and he is so lucky to be going there.”
Talking positively about new experiences will seep into your child’s thoughts. If you’re excited for him, he will echo that sentiment and feel more ready for new opportunities.
Keep it consistent
Do what you can to keep pickups and drop-offs from events, school and other times apart as reliable as possible. When your child knows that each day, she goes to a particular place at a particular time with a particular person, anxiety around the event eases. When you introduce varied schedules and people, the disruption can create additional anxiety and fear.
All feelings are allowed
No matter whether separation from you is minutes or days, children’s anxiety and fears are allowed and valid. Use this time to listen and hear your child’s concerns. It might help ease anxiety to relate to him. Try sharing a story about a time when you were nervous about being left alone and how it all turned out okay. Show him that it’s okay to have a lot of feelings in his body and that you are proud of him for being brave. Most importantly, emphasize that this time away from you is brief and temporary. You’ll be there at the end of the day waiting—today, tomorrow and always.
Five Additional Ways to Combat Separation Anxiety
- Breathe – Practice breathing exercises for anxious moments. Over time they will become second nature.
- Exercise – Extra energy can make separation anxiety worse. Try to work in some healthy exercise to burn off that anxious energy.
- Create anticipation – Give your child something to look forward to when you are reunited. Promise to throw the baseball together or play her favorite card game when she gets home. It will give her something positive to focus on.
- Reunite! – Reunions should always be happy. Avoid being distracted on your phone or focusing on a bad part of your day when you’re brought back together. Seeing you is the best part of the day for your child—act the part!
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.