Martyr of the Year: How to Avoid the One Title You Don’t Want

It happens when you aren’t looking. It creeps up slowly, quietly and without warning. One minute you’re doting on your beautiful babies, full of love and gratitude for their tiny hands and feet and heartbeats. Then you blink twice and, somehow, you’ve morphed into the one thing you swore you would never become: a martyr.

It’s easy to see how it can happen. After all, moms today are seemingly tasked with more than ever before. We carry the mental and physical load of our families’ well-being squarely on our shoulders. We meal plan, cook, clean, organize and budget ourselves into a shadow of the women we once were. And why do we do this?

BECAUSE WE’RE MARTYRS.

Okay, not really. A martyr is someone who suffers to the point of death for a religion or belief, and we’re not going quite that far. But if you boil the principle of martyrdom down to a very fine, parenting specific, tongue-in-cheek point, it nets out to this: We make ourselves victims. Victims to the grind of keeping the family trains running on time. Victims to our schedules. To expectations. To unspoken rules. We say we want these responsibilities and, in many cases, even volunteer. And then? We whine and complain about the very things we begged to handle.

My friends, we must stop. Here’s how.

Keeper of the Calendar:

If your spouse wants to plan a guy’s golf weekend, does he have the power? If your daughter wants to stay the night at a friend’s house, does she have to come to you first? If you want to schedule a ladies night, do you do so without consulting anyone else? If the calendar buck stops with you, it might be time to loosen the reins and even dole out some new responsibilities. Make sure you and your partner both have access to the family calendar and allow one another to make impromptu shifts in the schedule. It’s not easy, and if your spouse is used to you handling everything, new behaviors will have to be learned. But this is a good thing! Now your kids can get mad at you and their father equally for saying no to an event request. Sharing the children’s rage is worth its weight in gold

Use Your Voice:

I clearly recall one evening when I went to the grocery store on the way home from work, bought groceries, made the family meal, served it and then was astonished when everyone got up from the table and went to watch TV. Sure, it was unacceptable behavior on their part, but what did I do? I wallowed in misery as I cleaned the dishes and heaved heavy sighs. Not only did I make dinner, but I made myself a martyr. No one wanted to be around me in my wallowing, which of course made me sad. But this was a self-inflicted wound. By allowing this behavior once, I only set myself up to experience it the next night, and the next and the next after that. Use your voice. Tell your family when you feel taken advantage of. Demand that your family put in the same amount of time and effort you do. At the end of dinner, simply announce, “Time for everyone to clean up!”  Set the precedent now and reap some much-needed time on the sofa later.

Stop oversharing

Listing out to your friends all the responsibilities you have at home and how exhausted they are making you is classic Mother Martyr behavior. If you have time to complain about it, you have time to do something about it. Did you tell your husband you’d pick up the kids from soccer even though you knew he had the time? Did you share how exhausted you are with the other soccer moms? Bing. Martyr.

Take a moment. Do you really have to execute all the tasks you’ve given yourself? Could you relinquish a little control and delegate a few items to your spouse or your children or someone on the PTA? Do you hear yourself complaining more than you’re rejoicing? It’s a question worth asking.

You have a dream, and you aren’t it

Everyone has a passion beyond parenting and work. Maybe it’s to write a novel or start an Etsy shop. By refusing to chase your dreams because you’re too busy helping everyone else achieve theirs, you are martyring the heck out of your life. Seriously, knock it off. You only have so much energy, and willingly giving it all away to everyone so you have an excuse not to live your life is a cop-out. Have some pride in yourself and what you’re worth.

Sit down with your partner and share your passions. Spell out how you plan to start achieving them. Break out that now shared calendar and block off time for you. Trust your spouse to handle things. It’s tempting to start making excuses. Will he remember basketball drop-off is early on Wednesday? Will he know what to do if your daughter chokes on a Skittle? The answer is yes, of course. And if he messes up, so what. You’ve messed up before too—you just didn’t shout it from the rooftops. Stop treating your partner like an additional child and stop putting yourself on a parenting pedestal. Parenting is a two-way street, so stop closing one of the lanes. Make yourself a priority and give your partner the chance to be a parent as amazing as, or even better than, you are.

Breaking the chain of martyrdom isn’t easy. In fact, it can be addictive. If you can start to make small changes and allow other people to help you, you will almost instantly see things more clearly. The world will keep turning if you miss a sporting event. Your children will still love you if you skip one class party to get a manicure. Your spouse will learn to cook a meal if you take a night off. Will it be frozen pizza? Maybe. But it might also be an amazing pork tenderloin drizzled with teriyaki glaze, because your husband is actually an amazing cook and has never had an opportunity to flex his skills in the kitchen.

Just sayin.

Seven Signs You’re Running for Martyr of the Year:

1. You set unrealistic goals for your family and then feel intense guilt when you don’t achieve them.
2. You consistently talk about how overwhelmed you are but won’t accept help when it’s offered.
3. You put parameters on how someone is allowed to help you (e.g., you won’t let your mother take the kids for the day because she’ll give them too much sugar).
4. You insist on making dinner because it’s cheaper than going out but won’t allow anyone to help in the kitchen. Then you get angry for cooking alone.
5. You’re always the bad guy and won’t share the responsibility of delivering bad news to your children.
6. You constantly put yourself last but won’t allow anyone the chance to help you put yourself first.
7. You skip an event you want to attend because you don’t want to pay a babysitter.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and toddler son.