Raising Resilient Kids
Adulthood may be stressful with all its mounting responsibilities, but childhood isn’t exactly a cakewalk either. From homework assignments to standardized testing, making new friends and enduring schoolyard bullies, getting braces put on or getting over the flu, childhood has its fair share of challenges. The key to navigating the normal ups and downs of the human experience, whether young or old, is resiliency. For parents wishing to give their children the world on a string, resiliency seems almost counterintuitive. After all, it can’t be bought, given or worked out on behalf of someone else. It has to be learned through trial and error, wrestled with and earned by the child himself. Because happiness is such a highly regarded ideal, many parents shield their children from situations where there is risk of failure, mistaking comfort for an ultimate end. The problem? Life simply doesn’t work like that.
Parents can’t prevent their children from dealing with struggles, nor can they be one step ahead of them in everything they do. Additionally, parents can’t be there at all times for their kids. So it’s essential that kids gain the skills to learn how to navigate uncertainty through problem solving. Lynn Lyons, psychotherapist and co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children, notes, “When they step into a situation, resilient kids have a sense they can figure out what they need to do and handle what is thrown at them with a sense of confidence.”
Thankfully, resilience, the ability to bounce back from hardship, is not a genetic trait you either inherit or don’t. It can be taught. This can be especially encouraging to anxious parents who are learning how to tolerate uncertainty themselves. Lyons asserts that the inability to handle life’s curveballs is one of the primary reasons anxious parents shield their kids from worst-case scenarios. But by overprotecting their kids, they actually increase their anxiety. Since a child’s brain is not a mini adult brain, but instead one that is malleable and still under construction, it is imperative that parents foster an environment rich with both physical and social wiring instructions. Here are a few ways parents can help their children develop a brain that is flexible and resilient.
Allow Some Risk and Don’t Fight All Your Kids’ Battles for Them
All good parents inherently want to keep their kids safe, but kids are robbed of the opportunity to learn resiliency when all risk is eliminated. It’s essential, then, to view risk as a means of learning. By giving children age-appropriate freedom, they begin to learn what their own limits are. Don’t wait until your child is old enough to obtain her driver’s license to start navigating road safety. Preparation begins when you teach that same child how to ride a bike years before (slow down and look both ways). Not all kids jump at the chance to figure out how to do things on their own. Some kids want a clear cut, simple fix answer. As many adults can attest, life doesn’t always have easy answers. Instead of doling out quick fixes, normalize your children’s concerns and help them navigate a variety of solutions to the problems they are facing. Have a child with test anxiety? Brainstorm strategies for time management and study habits. You aren’t taking the test for him, but by engaging your child in the process of preparation, he is repeatedly figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Know it’s okay to not have all the answers, too. A simple “I don’t know” followed by flipping the script and asking questions helps kids learn how to process uncertainty and develop ways to navigate potential outcomes on their own.
Allow Your Child to Make Mistakes
Failure isn’t fatal and can oftentimes be a really effective teacher. This can be incredibly hard for perfectionistic or overprotective parents to allow, but failure provides kids the chance to self-correct and make better decisions in the future. For example, if your child has an assignment she has no interest in doing, it can be easy to swoop in and try to “help” so it’s perfect. But a far more valuable lesson happens when a child learns through the consequences of her own choices. Likewise, if a kid forgets his homework at home, he’ll be less inclined to make the same mistake again if he learns the hard way instead of Mom’s running back home and getting it for him.
Teach Them How to Emotionally Self-Regulate
Learning how to manage emotions is a hallmark of resiliency. It’s okay to feel “all the feels,” but it’s important to put emotions in their proper place. Feelings make good co-pilots but horrible drivers. A child has every right to be upset after losing his game or dropping her ice cream cone on the ground. But after those initial feelings are passed, kids need to learn how to navigate what to do next. Remind your child that feelings explain why you want to do what you want to do, but they don’t excuse or justify bad behavior. Powerful emotions can get reactions—both good and bad—from Mom and Dad, so it’s critical that parents learn to respond with patience and consistency. After all, you can’t teach your child how to self-regulate while you yourself are noticeably freaking out. Of course, you’ll inevitably mess up because parenting is hard and requires a lot of practice, but when you make mistakes, own them and apologize. Modeling how to rebound from your own mistakes shows kids perfection isn’t key; grit and authenticity are.
Carpenter or Gardener?
Lisa Feldman Barrett, a Harvard neuroscientist and psychologist, suggests that parents frame the act of raising kids to being more like a gardener than a carpenter.
“Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Likewise, parents can sculpt their child into something specific. Gardeners help things to grow on their own by cultivating a fertile landscape. They can provide an environment that encourages healthy growth in whatever direction the child takes. Once you understand what kind of plant you’re growing, you can ‘adjust the soil’ for it to take root and flourish.”
Lauren Greenlee is a recovering perfectionist seeking to raise four resilient boys. She writes from her Olathe home.