Three Identity Thieves of Moms
As moms, we often struggle with our identities. Many of us have lost a sense of who we are in the midst of raising kids. We tend to neglect ourselves and abandon things we love as we nurture everyone around us, prioritizing their hobbies and dreams above our own. Some of us, holding arguably the most important and rewarding but least rewarded job—motherhood—feel we're not enough and don't measure up to some evasive ideal of success or worthiness. And few of us believe we're living intentional, purpose-filled lives. We need to become aware of the thieves that undermine our confidence and take back who we are: noble, life-shaping, world-changing moms.
Identity thief #1: Attaching our identity to our kids’ behaviors and accomplishments.
Very often as parents, we measure ourselves by our children’s behavior and accomplishments and assume others do, too. It’s why we cringe when our kids throw public tantrums. It’s also the reason we brag about our kids’ glowing report cards, varsity status in sports, and why our bumper stickers don’t just stop at “proud parent,” but tag on why our kid is such a big deal. Attaching our identity to our children’s failures and successes is not only unfair to us (some kids excel in spite of even abusive or neglectful parents; others struggle despite having wonderful, deliberate parents), but this identity confusion is terribly unfair to them. We need to disentangle our identities.
Identity thief #2: Lack of external rewards.
In society, we tend to equate external rewards and accomplishments with worth and chase after them in order to prove our worth to others. It's one very twisted way of measuring our significance, to be sure, but that doesn't negate the fact that most humans want to feel recognized and appreciated, not least when they work hard. I can think of few jobs as demanding as being a committed parent, and despite rare glimpses of gratitude on Mother’s Day, ours is a largely thankless job. There's no trophy, bonus, promotion or corner office attached to mothering. As moms, we need to reward ourselves, appreciate the gravity of everyday moments, and question society's ideas about what constitutes a significant, successful and purposeful life.
Identity thief #3: Not giving ourselves the gift of time.
Only second to love, time is the most precious gift we can give our children, but we sometimes forget we need time for ourselves, too. As moms, meeting our own needs can feel selfish, even though it's the most selfless thing we can do for our families. Why? Because our kids don't benefit from our time and presence when we're constantly frazzled, stressed and overwhelmed. Taking time for ourselves and engaging in activities we love—alone time at a local café, a daily walk to our fave song mix, brunching with friends—fills us with joy, and this joy overflows into the lives of everyone in our orbit. Our kids deserve joyful moms. We deserve to be them. When we give ourselves the gift of time, we regift it to our kids in the form of a joyful presence.
Wendy Connelly, M.Div., is a podcaster (MoJo For Moms podcast), life coach and mother of two from Overland Park. You can find Wendy’s latest podcasts, retreats and more at MoJoForMoms.com.