Three Little Words

We all know the most important three little words—I love you—but others are equally important to express to our children. Look to incorporate these simple yet meaningful phrases into your parenting vocabulary.

I Like You.

Have you ever noticed how liking someone and loving them are not one in the same? True love isn’t a feeling but a commitment. It’s shown by caring for one another sacrificially and unconditionally. Liking someone, on the other hand, is a matter of preference and taste. As comedian Mark Lowry says, “There are some people I love that I don’t like. I go through Thanksgiving and Christmas, too. You know what I’m talking about…. You’ll cry at [their] funeral but you don’t want to go on vacation with them!” Caring for children requires a lot from a mom and dad, so it’s important they know they are worth the investment. Do your children know that you sincerely enjoy being with them? Tell them! There’s nothing more meaningful than hearing your mom and dad say they truly value who you are—not what you accomplish or how you stack up compared to others but the way you tick and what makes you YOU! It’s important our kids know we love them, but it’s equally important that we tell them how much we like them.

I Am Listening.

When our kids hurt, we hurt. The knee-jerk reaction most parents have to seeing their kids in pain is trying to fix things themselves. But some things are beyond a parent’s ability to smooth over. Band-Aids and Neosporin can heal a toddler’s scraped knee, but what can heal a broken middle school heart? Asking our kids to share their feelings with no strings attached can help them know we value how they feel regardless the outcome of a situation. And the reality is, some problems don’t have simple solutions. By finding us a safe place to process their feelings, kids can oftentimes create solutions of their own. Consider asking questions open-ended questions: How did that make you feel? How did you respond? What do you think you should do?” Those kinds of queries foster deeper conversation and problem solving. True listening demonstrates itself by being available. Not all kids are open books, so don’t expect that just by offering, you’ll get a deep heart-to-heart conversation every time. Instead, focus more on providing the time and space for conversations to organically transpire as they may.

I Am Sorry.

An apology from a parent can have a huge impact on a child, and yet for many moms and dads, it’s one of the hardest things to do. This problem is two-fold: many parents are afraid that admitting a mistake undermines their authority, revealing they’re not as perfect as they hope to be perceived by their son or daughter. Sadly, others refuse to admit they have the capacity to be wrong, even when it’s blatantly obvious, so an apology is the last thing on their radar. However, when a parent admits mistakes and owns them, a child feels more safe and secure. “Being wrong is not the same as being weak,” psychologist Kate Roberts writes in her Psychology Today article “When Parents Say I’m Sorry They’re Saying So Much More.” “Children need to be taught that asking for forgiveness and accepting failure is not only more important than covering up mistakes, but it’s a sign of strength and bravery.” Modeling repentance also teaches humility, resilience and the importance of learning through failure.

I’ll Be There.

Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need present parents. Being actively involved in your child’s life will look different depending on the stage of life that both you and your child are in. Because families vary so much, whether a single-parent home, a blended family or one with a special needs child--intentionally show your presence in ways that work based on your unique situation. Consider taking mommy or daddy dates with your kids, an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with each of your children. It could be as simple as doing errands with just one of your children or going out for ice cream together. Looking for ways to connect at home? Establish a bedtime routine where you read (or listen to audio books) together before lights out. For older kids that are fluently reading, offer to hold a parent-child book club, discussing the themes of your current reads. Establishing a sense of family culture and togetherness and prioritizing time together show you’re not in it for the highlight reel. You’re in it for keeps.

Lauren Greenlee is a KC boymom of three who strives to tell each of her children that he’s both loved and liked every day. She writes from her Olathe home.