What’s Your Style?

Personality tests abound. Perhaps the most well-known, the Myers-Briggs test, reduces your personality type to four letters that sum up your strengths and weaknesses. And then there’s personality assessment that determines whether or not you’re most like a lion, otter, golden retriever or beaver. But did you know that there are also parenting personalities? It’s true!

In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study of preschool children, using a combination of parental interviews and naturalistic observation, along with other research methods, to identify key dimensions of parenting. These dimensions include warmth and nurturing, disciplinary practices, communication styles, as well as personal expectations for control and maturity. Based on her research, Baumrind concluded that there are three primary parenting styles. Two decades later, researchers Macoby and Martin picked up where Baumrind left off, determining there was an additional parenting style that had gone undetected. Interestingly, each of these four parenting styles produces unique outcomes on a child’s behavior.

Authoritarian Parenting

This parenting style could be summed up in four words: because I said so. Authoritarian parents may exhaust this phrase ad nauseum, but if they don’t, it’s still heavily implied—and the child knows it. Strict rules are enforced, and failure to meet expectations, whether through disobedience or simple error, is met with punishment. Authoritarian parents don’t feel the need to expound on why rules are in place. Rules are there to be followed, whether the child understands them or not. As Baumrind explains, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation.” There is a high degree of expectation put on children of authoritarian parents, but not a lot of consideration is put into how a child feels or what his or her limitations are. These parents are often militant and best described as domineering. The end goal is submission without question.

Authoritarian parents may end up with children that are great rule followers, but it often comes with a price. Children within these home environments typically have low self-esteem because their opinions aren’t considered and their feelings are often invalidated. Likewise, because authoritarian parents focus on ultimate control, their children seldom have opportunity to participate in problem solving or learning through natural consequences. Authoritarian parents are more concerned with making kids feel sorry for their mistakes than learning through them. Consequently, children may grow up to become hostile and aggressive and learn how to become good liars to avoid Mom or Dad’s wrath.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents have high yet clear-cut expectations for achievement and maturity, but they are equally warm, nurturing, and responsive toward their children. They put immense effort into cultivating a healthy relationship with their child as well as making their home a warm environment. These parents are invested in preventative work; training and using positive discipline strategies are implemented so that a child ultimately learns to become self-controlled and self-disciplined. While children within these homes know that ultimately Mom and Dad are in charge, they also know that their input is welcomed and appreciated. Likewise, authoritative parents don’t shy away from explaining why things are the way they are within their homes. Open dialogue ensures that kids know the purpose behind the family rules. Baumrind’s research indicates that children raised by authoritative parents tend to be the happiest, most independent, high achieving and self-regulated. They also tend to display the least amount of violent tendencies or struggle with mental health issues as a result.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents are warm, nurturing and responsive, but they don’t establish healthy boundaries with their children, meaning they are ultimately lenient and indulgent. Parents of this variety want to be seen as their child’s friend or peer more than their authority figure. Unlike authoritarian parents, permissive parents want to have open dialogue with their children about their feelings, and they keep rules to a minimum, assuming a child will learn best by doing things his or her own way. Children raised in permissive households know how to work the system to get what they want out of their parents and are the most likely to struggle academically as well as with health challenges like obesity and impulse control. Permissive parents adopt the mentality that “kids will be kids” and don’t tend to follow through if consequences are laid out. Children within this home environment struggle to understand the significance of established rules and often have issues with authority outside the home as a result. They’re also at risk of being egocentric, as permissive parents often seek to talk to their children about their issues but avoid bringing up any ownership the child may have in the situation.

Uninvolved Parenting

Uninvolved parenting takes permissive parenting to a whole new level. Freedom is given completely to the child, but not with the intention of getting on the kid’s good side. Instead, uninvolved parents seek autonomy over relationship. While some choose to parent this way intentionally, others simply do so out of ignorance or lack of care. This is particularly the case when a parent struggles with substance abuse or mental health challenges, but it’s important to note it can also be the result of overwhelm if a parent is dealing with high degrees of stress, conflict or financial challenges. There is no particular form of discipline used within this environment and, likewise, there are no expectations for how the child will turn out. Uninvolved parents typically don’t know how their kids are doing in school, are unaware of who their children hang out with, and don’t really know who their kids are at their core. Children raised with an uninvolved parent tend to struggle with self-esteem issues, exhibit behavioral challenges, turn to drug and substance abuse and have high suicide rates.

Things to Note

While parenting styles are linked to child behavior, it’s important to note that there are other variables that play an important role. First, parents will often find themselves vacillating between parenting styles, seldom sitting in one permanently. Not all parents are on the same page or display the same type of parenting style, as well, which can affect the overall temperature of the home. Conversely, a child’s temperament and behavior can also alter his parents’ parenting styles. Other factors include cultural expectations and social influences.

Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe boymom of three, soon to be four, wonderful sons. She aims to parent with grace and humility, apologizes often for learning throughout the process, and relishes in the gift it is to have some of her favorite people call her Mom.