What to Do When Your Child Resists Going to School
School should be a positive, warm, nurturing place for kids—a place they want to be. So what does a parent do when her child refuses to go? Here are some steps you can take to diagnose the problem and work with your child to improve her educational experience.
- Start with a conversation. Ask your child what’s wrong. Why doesn’t she want to go? Is there a specific part of her day that is upsetting? Is there a student who upsets her? Is there an adult who upsets her?
- Listen. It is often difficult to glean facts from kids, so it’s important to truly listen to them. Listen to every single thing they say. When they talk about recess or John down the street, realize that anything they tell you could be a clue about what is going on.
- Talk to your child’s teacher(s), principal and possibly the school counselor. Ask them what they see during the school day. Together you might be able to figure out the root cause.
- Rule out any medical issues. Contact your pediatrician to set up an appointment or at least have a phone conversation about your child’s behavior.
- Try the buddy system. If recess is an issue, is there another student your child could be paired up with so that she has a friend? Or is there an older student who could serve as a mentor to her and help her feel safer?
- Try more extracurricular activities. If sports aren’t his thing, how about chess club? Or drama? Or an after-school art program?
- Reach out to other parents. Organize an after-school playdate. Kids love checking out other kids’ toys. And this way you get to know the kids your child is befriending. (Note: If your child is truly struggling to make friends, try organizing it with just the parents first, without her knowing. This way if it doesn’t work out, she isn’t embarrassed and devastated.)
- Don’t encourage him to take time off from school. Don’t make a day off fun—no video games or TV. He should read, do schoolwork and lie in bed to rest if he is sick.
- Don’t offer a great deal of affection if he stays home from school. This pertains especially to a child with separation anxiety. Of course be loving and supportive, but an extra-long snuggle with Mom on the couch in front of a movie is not going to help him overcome this problem.
- Try exposure therapy. Walk the halls on the weekends. If your child does take a day off, maybe the next day she can go for part of the day, and the following day a bit longer and so on. (Note: It is important that her teacher(s) understand and are on board with this plan.)
If your child is struggling, don’t give up. Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep trying. That school building is full of so many people who care, who love your child and who want her there. Reach out. Come together as a team. Make her feel safe again. She deserves a positive school experience and, with a little perseverance, she will have one.
Quiz:
1. If your child is refusing to attend school, you should
A. Let her stay home for a few days to recharge. B. Let her rest by watching TV and movies. C. Create a working school environment at home where she does schoolwork. D. Never let her stay home for any reason. 2. Which of the following people should you contact if your child refuses to attend school? A. Your child’s teacher(s) B. Your child’s principal C. The school counselor D. All of the above 3. Which of the following is NOT something you, as the parent, should do in this situation? A. Shower him with love and affection when he stays home from school. B. Talk to him about what is going on. C. Listen to every single thing he says. D. Reach out to other parents and try to foster friendships for your child. 4. Which of the following is NOT an effective way to encourage your child to attend school? A. Bridging friendships by hosting playdates and involving her in extracurricular activities. B. Demanding he join a sport, even if he doesn’t show interest. C. Trying exposure therapy, including walking the halls of the school on the weekends. D. Partnering your child up with a buddy to help her feel more secure. Olathe mom Karen Johnson has three children, ages 6, 4 and 2. She writes at The21stCenturySAHM.com.