When Parenting Styles Clash
Humans are tricky. Relationships are tricky. Families are tricky. Which means relationships with other humans in a family are indeed tricky, no matter how well you get along. Add on jointly parenting younger humans and it’s a lot!
Families are made in a variety of ways and face differing scenarios, sometimes with a supporting cast of characters. In a stereotypical family, you have two parents and one or more children that will parent together. Ideally, child-rearing has been discussed before they welcome children into their home and they’re on the same page as far as values and beliefs. If you happen to be reading this magazine before having children of your own, be wise and discuss how you would like to parent with a serious partner because children really throw a wrench in things and need to be cared for constantly for a good part of their lives.
Discuss your own childhoods and what practices you would like to carry on, as well as what you would like to do differently. Which traditions matter to you? Where would you like to raise your children? Are you open to moving throughout their childhood? Do you wish to be closer to family or not? In an ideal world, how many children would you like and how far apart would you like them? Are you open to fostering or adoption? Will you both continue working? Will one of you stay home? Do you prefer an in-home daycare or a daycare center? Will you make believe with your children during holidays and such? Will you raise them in a faith? Early discussions give you a good place to start. Of course, once you’re in the parenting trenches, flexibility becomes a necessity and you may find the need to alter those early plans a bit.
Once that baby comes home, there’s no way of knowing how some decisions will matter more to one parent and not at all to another parent. This is because all parents were once children, in unique homes, who experienced family life and were modeled how a family works. We have to remember, too, that our parents were also flawed humans just doing the best that they could.
All this history affects how we naturally parent—or attempt to do it—for better or for worse. Here’s an example: You’re super sleep deprived and end up letting your children sleep in your bed, so you can get as much rest as possible, but maybe that isn’t in the cards for your partner. Same goes for insisting on a daily routine or championing more of a go-with-the-flow type of day. One parent may insist that Baby is fed solely organic foods while the other would like to be more cost-effective. Then come decisions like playdates at your child’s friend’s house and sleepovers, as well as playing outside alone, the ever-present use of screens and dating. So what happens when a topic or situation arises where you and your spouse do not agree but have to parent the same child?
A wise option is to find a time to discuss the issue in private. Listen to where each of you is coming from, why you may not be comfortable with one option and how you can both feel at ease moving forward. This could be an evening discussion after the kids are in bed or a quick step out of earshot from your kids before you get dinner on the table, depending on the degree of difference in your opinions. Perhaps both of you write your own pro/con lists to compare. Compromise is the name of the game, so decide whether a decision matters to you more than your partner’s objection. Jess Chavez, mother of three, says, “We discuss it away from the kids and try to really hear each other’s sides or reasons, and then come to an agreement/compromise so we can present a united front to our kids.” This united front is key in parenting as a team, because children are smart and will discover whom to ask for certain things and whom to avoid.
Seeking outside counsel can be helpful, as well, if done in a caring way. Venting to your own family and friends about why you are right may not be the best course of action. Instead, bring the topic up for discussion while both of your friends are over, or ask some friends via text and share and discuss with your partner. Parenting boards and Facebook groups can be helpful with advice and sharing different perspectives you may not have considered, and most groups will let you ask anonymously.
In our family, most decisions seem to fall to me simply because of how our family is set up. I was a stay-at-home mom, and even though I now work part-time, my husband travels the majority of the month, so I am the primary parent at home with our children. I value my husband’s input though and oftentimes call or text for advice or to discuss a topic. Having a family meeting in a calm matter to discuss family rules can be helpful to let everyone know what is expected in your home. It’s also important that both parents are up to date on what rules and guidelines the other is enforcing. For example, if a child earns the consequence from one parent of no screens for the rest of the week or no dessert that night, the other parent needs to know. Because if that other parent wasn’t present for the poor choice that earned your child a natural consequence, he or she won’t know the consequence was dished out. And children don’t seem to volunteer that kind of information to an uninformed parent. If you keep your partner up to date, that other parent won’t unknowingly undermine you. On the flip side, be careful not undermine the other parent’s authority either, even if you don’t completely agree. Differences in opinion can be discussed but not flippantly ignored.
If a parenting topic comes up that you can’t seem to compromise on, give some thought to whether any past trauma in your life is influencing your reactions. You may need to seek professional help with overcoming those or being empathetic toward your partner. Sometimes, particular topics will matter more to one parent, and if you don’t feel strongly about it, it may be better to let your partner have the final say on that decision while you get a weightier vote on another issue. Another great idea is to take a parenting class together so you’re learning as a team. About 10 years ago, a local church hosted a weekly parenting class through Love and Logic. It was great, but our kids were both under 2 years old, so my husband and I keep saying we need to retake that class now that they’re all much older. If you and your partner are readers, maybe you could buddy-read a book to help facilitate discussion while learning about parenting together. There’s a plethora of parenting books to choose from. I’d advise asking your school, church, friends or librarian for recommendations.
Discussing the benefits of having different styles can also be a great way to respect and honor both partners’ differences, according to an article on GoodTherapy.org. The article, “When Parents Clash: Managing Differences in Parenting Style,” goes on to say, “Explore how your parenting styles complement each other. For instance, a permissive parent may help an authoritarian parent be more affectionate. Meanwhile, an authoritarian parent may support a permissive parent in setting boundaries.” Having some discussions in front of your kids can be important to model how to have disagreements in a healthy way. In her article “How to Deal When Your Parenting Styles Clash” on TodaysParent.com, Katie Daley writes, “Having some conversations in front of your children can actually be helpful to show them how to resolve disagreements—but only if the conversation stays friendly. In case a contentious situation arises, Kyle Pruett, a clinical professor of child psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine, and co-author of Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently—Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage recommends agreeing on a signal that you need to discuss the issue later.”
Now, things can get a bit trickier when your family is blended or is living apart for a variety of reasons. Try to be on the same page for the benefit of your child, but if that’s not the reality, setting up your own boundaries and house rules and staying consistent will at least let your children know what to expect when they are with you. If there are bigger concerns that can’t be agreed upon, it may be best to get outside assistance through a custody lawyer or legal team.
Stephanie Loux is the mother to Layla, 12, Mason, 10, and Slade, 7.