When They Don’t Make the Team

         Being part of a team is a great experience for kids and helps them build social skills, make friends and grow in confidence. However, when your child tries out for the team and doesn’t make it, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy can rear their heads. This not only applies to athletics, but can also include other activities like theater, musical ensembles, dance team and robotics. The reality is there are only so many open spaces on a team, and some kids make it and some don’t. How can parents support and encourage a child who is cut from the team?

            Allow time for feelings

            It takes a lot of hard work to try out for a team. Perhaps your child had to step out of their comfort zone to give it a try, or maybe they were cut from a team they have been part of in the past and are feeling rejected. Your youngster may have feelings of anger, confusion, sadness or disappointment. Take time to validate those feelings. “As a junior who played volleyball every year, it was hard for her to be cut from the team,” says Kerri Arnold, Olathe mom of three. “I just hugged her and let her be sad. Later, she was able to go to the games and support her friends!” Our first response as parents may be to jump in with a negative comment about the coach or to make excuses. Instead, listen to kids vent and allow them to explain their feelings. Give them a hug and say things like, “That must hurt,” or “What can I do to support you?” These statements let your child know you are behind them. On the other hand, your child may not want to talk. If this is the case, give space and let them know you are there when they are ready.

            Give encouragement

            Once your child has had some time to process what happened, sit down and talk about it. Let them know you are proud of them for all their hard work. Talk about what they learned from the experience, whether they had any fun and what they could do better next time. This doesn’t mean your child has to give up on a sport or activity they love, it just means they won’t be on this team this year. “I think you can try to frame it as a positive for trying and then evaluating what they could do to make the team next year,” says Desoto mom Kara Thomas. “I find with my teen, he just needs some alone time to process it and doesn’t want me breaking it down with him like I might have done when he was younger. Now, I ask how I can support him and let him lead.” You can encourage them to continue to improve and look for an alternative team in the community. Let your child know that their worth is not based on whether they make a team or are good at an activity. Give them reasons they are valued and point out some of their strengths, both in the activity and outside of it.

            Talk honestly with your child

            It is a good idea to have an honest conversation with your child about the reality of sports and activities. They are competitive, especially school activities where the population of the school is large but the number of available places on a team is small. Your child doesn’t have to give up because they didn’t make it. Coaches have to consider many factors when choosing players, and it may simply be about timing. It may help your child to talk to the coach about their reasons for making the decisions they did. Your child can also ask what they can improve on for next time. Let your child know that many athletes who went on to become professional players didn’t make their high school teams. Similarly, there are famous actors that didn’t make their high school plays and popular authors who had their books rejected dozens of times before getting published. (An internet search can give you lists to show your child.) Rejection is difficult but it is also a fact of life. While we can’t protect our children from it, we can encourage them to use it as motivation to improve their skills and try again.

            As you work through your child’s feelings and disappointment together, they will realize that time helps them reflect on the situation. Being cut from the team is difficult but it also gives your child a moment to consider. Is this the sport for them or would they like to try something else? If they do stick with it, why do they think they were cut from the team? What advice does the coach have for next time? Is there another team your child can try out for? How will they work on sharpening their skills for next time? Surely they aren’t the only child who was cut from the team—is it possible to form another team made up of those players? Most importantly, is the sport fun, and if it is, how can your child find a way to enjoy it? Encourage your child to take the experience, learn from it and turn it into something positive.

The Do’s and Don’ts When Your Child Doesn’t Make the Cut

• Don’t vent your frustrations to your child.
• Do help your child understand that there are many factors that go into selecting a team that you and your child may be unaware of. It may be more about timing than your child’s ability.
• Don’t compare your child to other kids.
• Do let your child know their strengths, as well as what they need to work on.
• Don’t be frustrated with your child for not making it or assume they didn’t give it their all.
• Do let them know you are proud of them for trying and that there are other activities. This just may not be the right one for them at this time.
• Don’t say things like, “Baseball is stupid anyway” of “I don’t really like that play.” This can invalidate their feelings.
• Do validate their feelings and ask how you can help support them.
• Do ask them what they learned, how they can improve, and give them space to decide whether they will try out again next time.
• Do ask your child whether they would like to talk to the coach in order to understand why they didn’t make it and find out what they can improve on next time.
• Do let your child know you love them, whether they make a team or not.

Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer and mom of six. She lives in Olathe with her family.