Why Kids Need Grandparents
They have many different names: Mimi, Papa, Nana, Gigi, Grandma, Grandmother, Gramps or Grandpa, just to name a few. All the names are chosen with love and acknowledge an exciting and important relationship. According to Arthur Kornhaber, author of The Grandparent Guide and founder and president of the Foundation for Grandparenting, the grandparent-grandchild bond is second in emotional importance only to the bond between parents and children. “I love it when my kids get to spend time with their grandparents. For me, it is when I can get the most rest. I know they are 100 percent cared for and loved and I don’t have to worry,” says Jackie Schuster, Kansas City, MO, mom.
Metro moms say there is a long list of reasons why it is great to have grandparents around, including help with managing schedules for multiple kids, date night babysitting, and worry-free outings for the kids. Grandparents also say the bond they have with their grandkids is incredibly special. “I loved being a mom, but I might love being a grandmother more! It is amazing to not only be able to spend time with the kids, but to watch my daughter learn and grow as a mother at the same time—it’s priceless,” says Charlotte Paget, Kansas City, KS, grandmother.
Despite the evidence suggesting benefits for both the grandparents and grandchild in developing a healthy relationship, many moms and dads say constructing a bond between their child and someone else is difficult. “I want my daughter to know her Grandma. But I worry sometimes about my mom’s questioning my parenting or not following my rules for my child,” Mona Holm, Lenexa mom, says. “Those are such sensitive things to talk about.”
So, how can you ensure your children develop a lasting and loving connection with their grandparents? Here are a few steps to get started:
Visit often. Finding time in busy schedules is not always easy, but get a visit to see Grandma and Grandpa on the calendar as often as you can. If you have it planned, it is more likely to happen and not be postponed. “The kids are so young and they change so fast. If we go a month between visits, I feel like their grandparents have missed so much!” says Kaci Miller, Overland Park mom.
Communicate. Don’t assume Grandma and Grandpa know what ground rules you set for your children. And if you have specific ideas about bedtimes, snacks and screen time, make sure the grandparents know ahead of time so you can approach those things as a team. Grandparents may be sensitive if your rules don’t align with the way they parented, but open and honest communication can get you past most hurdles. “When I was a kid, screen time wasn’t even a thing. Now, I want my dad to know exactly how much iPad time my son can have after school when he goes to Grandad’s house,” says Heather Morgan, Overland Park mom.
Be Inclusive. Out of respect for the family you and your spouse have built, many grandparents don’t invite themselves over for visits or to join in on family functions. Make sure they know they are welcome! Your children will love having extra people in their cheering section for games, dance recitals and the school play. Holidays, birthday parties and even an afternoon trip to the park are also great ways to include Grandma and Grandpa in your child’s special experiences.
Capture the Moment. As moms, we love to take pictures of our kiddos! And spending time with Grandma and Grandpa is a great time to get out the camera. This will capture special moments for your children and give their grandparents nice keepsakes. Photo ornaments make wonderful holiday gifts for grandparents!
Share the Secrets. Grandparents are fountains of information and wisdom. Tap into that to find ways for them to bond with your youngsters. Do your kids enjoy crafts? Gardening? Baking? If Grandma or Grandpa have a special skill, this is something they can share. Not only will it create a connection and an opportunity to make something as a team, but the lessons learned can last a lifetime. “My dad is a great woodworker. He made wooden toys for the kids when they were babies,” says Hillary Greene, Kansas City, KS, mom. “Now, I love it when my son goes out in the garage with Papa and I hear them planning the next toy they are going to make together. My son is learning a great skill, and my dad gets to pass on all his secrets.”
Record Your History. Children like to know where they came from, and grandparents are wonderful sources of family stories. Let them tell the kids about that crazy friend you had when you were a child, or tell them about their favorite aunt’s learning to ride a bike. This will foster a connection between all of you. Creating a family tree is also a great way to see how everyone is connected and to trace your family roots. You may discover some surprises along the way!
As parents approach building relationships between their children and their parents, they often encounter barriers. We asked Kansas City parents what hurdles get in the way most often:
- Distance. Parents say the hardest thing to overcome is living far away from grandparents, which leads to scheduling and financial challenges in visiting often.
- Parenting philosophies. KC parents say a divide can grow between parents and grandparents when parenting philosophies are too different, especially when ground rules are not followed.
- Family dynamics. Many parents say that after divorce or separation, it is hard to keep their child in contact with the parent of their former partner.
Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer and mom of two living in Overland Park.