When it comes to the often-feared relationship with a mother-in-law (MIL,) busting down barriers and even building a friendly camaraderie often take time, patience and persistence.
Acknowledge Her:
Sometimes it’s hard for a woman to swallow when she suspects that her mother-in-law may know what she’s talking about. After all, your husband’s mother has been in this marriage gig for awhile. She’s likely walked through job loss, financial difficulties, sleepless nights, sick kids, feeding the family on a budget, interfering mothers-in-law—all that stuff you are trying to balance right now. Acknowledging her experience will help you build good will. Asking her how she dealt with issues will let her know you respect her opinions, wisdom, age and knowledge.
Your MIL is Your Spouse’s Mother:
It’s easy to forget when your mother-in-law criticizes your housework (even knowing that you work 9-hour days) or asks when you’re going to give her grandchildren (knowing you’re trying) or implies you’re not good enough for her precious son that she is the mom of the love of your life.
Respectfully tell her how you feel and minimize complaints to your spouse. That said: If she knows she’s upsetting you and just doesn’t care, tell your spouse.
Present a united front to your MIL.
Chances are she feels anxious and means no harm. Maybe she doesn’t know how she makes you feel. Maybe she’s “helping” not “controlling.” Perhaps she’s afraid that if she messes up this MIL thing, you’ll cut her off. Maybe she feels you’re pushing her out. Could you be overreacting? Let her know you’re not a threat.
Respect Her:
Respecting her doesn’t mean agreeing with her. Be compassionate, considerate and honest. Even if you don’t follow her advice, listen and thank her. She spent years playing the lead in your husband’s life and has now been downsized.
Include Her:
Build Fences:
Dr. Phil says your in-laws should be like neighbors. Discuss and determine the boundaries with your spouse. For example, how will you handle visits? Are there certain days or times that really don’t work for you? Be firm and clear about your wishes.
Open Doors:
Invite your MIL to join your world! Would she like to come to story time at the library with you and the kids? How about taking a walk or yoga class with you? Book club? Change the way you interact with your MIL and you may change your relationship.
Inform Her:
Expectations:
What does your MIL expect from you? Where do those expectations come from? Find out. Calling your mother- in-law just to say “hi” is a great idea.
I used to call my MIL only once a month (if that). Now I have kids, so weekly… maybe. My sister-in-law, though, calls our MIL every day. BUT, I also rarely call my folks who both live in Australia. It’s not that I don’t love them and miss them. It’s just that I’m a perennial procrastinator who really falls way short at interpersonal communication. Obviously, I am not the example you should emulate .
Social networking:
How do you keep your friends and family up-to-date? Do you blog, Tweet, Facebook, email, Skype, call, write letters? Many people communicate via social networking. It’s fast and easy. But be aware that those who aren’t in your new-fangled networks miss out.
I posted on my Facebook page, “It’s a girl!” A few hours later, the same day, I called my MIL (first, before even my own mom.) When I told her our fabulous, exciting news, she ignored it. I repeated it. The resulting tirade totally ruined my day. She was upset because someone else had seen it and called her before I did. I was upset because she squelched my happiness.
Let It Go:
Fighting will sap your energy. Complaining will strain your marriage. Competing is a waste of time. After a decade of butting heads with my MIL, I had an epiphany: my mother-in-law is actually a pretty decent person. The problem: we’re both stubborn and sensitive. The other problem? UUmmm... me. I’d been focusing on small annoyances, trapping my spouse in the middle. When it came down to it and I needed help, my MIL was there. She was fantastic.
If your MIL really hates you and wants to make your life miserable – so what! Sure, it’s hard to be patient and sweet when you want to retaliate – but you’ll feel better if you are nice. There’s no sweeter revenge than happiness! You’ll wear her down with your love – one day.
Victoria Pressley is a full-time writer, stay-at-home mom and military spouse living in Leavenworth. She is the editor of the upcoming anthology How to Avoid Murdering Your Mother-in-Law.