Despite the popular saying that it takes 21 days to make or break any habit, according to a 2009 study completed by Phillippa Lally and colleagues from the University College London, forming a new good habit takes longer—66 days—and only two to create a new bad habit! I believe these findings because I have seen (and experienced in my own life) how quickly mothers begin to form some unhealthy habits. Have no fear, I am not about to shame you for your new chocolate and/or wine-after-bedtime habit. Those can be necessary joys for the few quiet seconds you get to yourself as a new mom. What I am referring to are all of those habits that we pick up as we try to become super-moms.
In the first weeks of my daughter’s life, I spent every second asking people questions and researching. I looked for any and all advice and tried to use every piece of it. If I did not try something, I questioned and doubted myself endlessly, wondering, “If I had just tried that one thing instead of this one thing, everything would probably be better.”
You know what? It actually probably would not be better. If we try out everything and make constant changes, we will never really know what is helping or hurting. Babies thrive on routine, so find what works and go with it. Do not doubt yourself and let your mind spin with “what-ifs.”
Second, I heard from multiple mothers whose children range from newborns to young adults that their “bad mom habit” was refusing help. Like I said before, many of us try to become a super-mom overnight. We want to be totally in control, have a thriving baby/marriage/household, perfectly Instagram all the beautiful moments of our children’s firsts, have healthy meals on the table, get our fit bodies back...and we want to do it all ourselves without needing anyone else. News flash: Not going to happen. Or at least not going to happen well. People offer help because they truly want to help. They want to show you they love you, your family and your new addition. Allow them that joy and allow yourself the break. Keeping your bucket full is the only way you can pour back out into your family in a positive way and be the mother you want to be.
Now, how many of us have felt ashamed of a choice we’ve made as a mom? Mothers make so many choices every day. We decide whether to breastfeed or use formula, whether to stay at home or go back to work, whether to use a daycare center or an in-home daycare, whether to use a cry-it-out or a no-tears method to sleep train, and so much more. Decision-making is endless for mothers, and there are people out there who seem to thrive on shaming mothers feel for their decisions. No one should ever make you doubt yourself and your choices, especially if they are made with your baby’s best interest in mind. Do you love your job and want to return to work and use formula instead of pumping all day at work? Go for it! Do you want to stay at home and breastfeed for a year? Go for it! There is no one right decision in motherhood.
When Baby comes, our world completely shifts. Our focus becomes pinpointed on that new life. To some degree, that is how it should be, but focusing so much on Baby that we lose sight of everyone else, especially our partner, is too easy. Your relationship with your partner is what your children will base their knowledge of relationships on. Your partner is also your ultimate support system. Make each other feel loved and valued. Parenting is hard; acknowledge the little things you each do and tell each other when you need help or a break. Take time to get away and invest in your relationship. Have a set monthly date night like Rachel and Will, Overland Park parents of two. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary.
Last (and something that I feel is so important because it’s such an easy trap to fall into), remember this: Comparison is the thief of joy. To scroll through social media feeds and wish our lives looked more like someone else’s, or to visit a friend and wish our house were as clean and pretty as hers or that our child were as well-behaved as hers is so tempting. But guess what? People tend to only show others their highlight reels, not their behind-the-scenes moments. You’re doing better than you think you are, and others aren’t as perfect as you think they are. Put your energy into loving your family, not trying to force them to look like a different one.
You’ve got this, Momma!
Lauren Cook lives in Spring Hill with her husband, one sweet baby girl and one sweet little pup. She thinks that baking (and eating!) delicious treats can be the best kind of therapy.