“Can I have a piece of candy?” my daughter asked me one morning, right after breakfast.
“No, we aren’t going to have candy right now. It’s too early,” I said.
What followed was not my best mom moment. My child began to ask repeatedly for candy. I repeatedly said no, and the scene ended with my daughter trying to climb onto the counter to reach the candy. I took her to her room, where she cried for several minutes and we both ended up tired and frustrated.
How can one avoid this scene or at least improve the situation? Getting your child to accept your answer of no and move on can be easier with some time and training.
Give a short explanation
Your children will better understand your reason for saying no to them if you give them a reason. Amy Cameron, Olathe mom of three says, “When I tell them no, I usually give them a why. I think they’re more likely to accept my answer when they understand.” Make sure your answer is short and to the point. If your children ask for a new toy, the answer can simply be, “No, we can’t afford to buy a new toy today.” Be careful not to get pulled into back talk or arguments that all their friends have one. Keep your response short. “I said no.” If your child continues to engage, walk away and do not look back.
Be consistent
The key to training your child that your answer stands is to remain consistent. Once you have decided to say no, do not change your mind. Giving in after you have said no teaches your children you can be worn down if they are persistent enough. “Consistency is key,” says Janelle Waldron, mom of five. “If I say no, I don’t change my mind. I also try to take my time answering. That way I don’t say no too quickly, and I can make a better decision.”
Talk later
Talking about your rules and expectations is particularly important to do when your child is calm and you are not in the middle of discussing whether or not your child can have something asked for. After the fact, sit down and let your child know that when you have made a decision, it is final, and you will not change your mind no matter how much pleading and pestering he does. If the begging continues, you will walk away and will not discuss the topic further. This is also a good time to explain why you say no to things. Typical reasons are the activity is not safe, your child isn’t old enough, you cannot afford it, it is not healthy or it goes against your family beliefs or values. These reasons are not debatable. Keep your discussion calm and listen to your child. Let him know you understand why he is upset with your decision but you will not be changing your mind. Give healthy suggestions that can help your child deal with anger in the future. Some ideas could include going to his room to calm down, taking a walk, breathing deeply, or doing something he enjoys, reading, drawing or building with Legos. Keep the discussion positive and if it starts to get heated, walk away.
Starting the training process at a young age is easier, but you can start at any stage of parenting. Training can take months or years as your child pushes the limits and tests you for inconsistency. Parenting is always a challenge, but raising a child that understands healthy boundaries and safety is worth it.
Sarah Lyons is a part-time freelance writer and full-time mom. She lives in Olathe with her family.