You know the drill. Your child returns home from school and drops her backpack on the floor, disappears for a while or perhaps even starts on homework. Eager to reconnect with her at the end of the day, you say, “Hi,” and ask, “How was your day?”
“Good.”
The end.
Ever feel like you’re banging your head against a wall when it comes to starting a conversation with your kids? Fear not. Jump-starting communication with children is one of the most challenging (and most common) hurdles of parenting.
Kids can seem reluctant to engage in conversation for two primary reasons, says Darlene Kirtley, a licensed professional counselor at Oasis Counseling & Enrichment in Parkville who specializes in parenting issues. The first is that the questions a parent asks, such as, “How was your day?” might be too broad.
“It’s hard to summarize everything that happened in a day, so the question can be overwhelming,” Kirtley says.
The second is that when kids return home from school, sometimes they just want to change gears and relax. They need a break in thinking about their school day.
Starting one-on-one conversations with children early on may be a parent’s best approach in encouraging communication, says Tammy Songer, the child ministry coordinator at Bethany Lutheran Church in Overland Park and mother of two teenagers. By asking about specific details—a lunchtime meal, say, or a friend’s birthday party—parents are, in effect, telling their children they care.
Details are important, Songer says, because they prompt kids to think about things on a whole new level. Maybe the day was good or bad, but what made it that way?
“Asking more specific questions can be a good way to encourage a conversation,” says Kirtley.
Here are 15 questions to kick-start a conversation:
- Who did you spend time with today?
- What was the best part of your day?
- What was the worst part of your day?
- What is the coolest thing you learned today?
- What are you looking forward to most about tomorrow?
- What are you studying or reading about right now?
- What was the hardest thing you did today?
- What is the silliest thing you saw today?
- What is something you had to do this week that you didn’t like?
- Did you see anyone this week that you haven’t seen for a while?
- What is your least favorite meal at school (or at home)?
- What do you like about this time of year?
- What don’t you like about this time of year?
- What is one thing you don’t know how to do that you wish you did?
- If you ran your school, what would you do differently than your principal does?/li>
Melanie Kriefels, a licensed professional counselor in Overland Park, suggests asking questions that might spur family activities. For example, “What should we make for breakfast on Saturday?” Kirtley recommends incorporating a “chat pack,” or a list of random questions, into conversation. Light-hearted questions, both counselors agree, can lead to thoughtful discussions.
And who knows? When you’re prepared to listen, anything is possible.
Kate Meadows lives in Louisburg with her husband, two little boys and Boxer dog. She and her husband allow Curious George books at the dinner table and like to sing mealtime prayers with their sons. www.katemeadows.com.