Table manners, like all types of manners, arise from the idea of showing respect for those around us. If one only ever dined alone, many of these niceties would be less important. However, most parents are working to raise children who can participate in society, so teaching dining etiquette becomes a necessity.
The Basics: From the time very young children graduate from high chair to table, you can start reinforcing these basics:
- Napkins belong in your lap; not beside your plate, not on your head, not on your brother. We even sing a song about it: “Put your napkin in your lap, in your lap” (to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It,” even though no singing at the table is another rule—I know, it’s very confusing). Don’t use any napkin substitutes: your clothes, your parent, your sibling, the dog, the chair cushion. For informal meals, keep a stack of napkins on the table.
- Wait your turn. Don’t eat until everyone is at the table and has been served. If you don’t instill this one early, the rest of the diners will be on second helpings before the cook even has taken a seat.
- No complaining. This includes verbal as well as nonverbal forms of communication. If you don’t like a food, that is your secret. You can say, “No, thank you,” if more is offered, but that is your only choice. Do not spit out food (or if you absolutely must, do it into a napkin).
- Your food is for you (and its corollary: my food is for me). Don’t show others what is inside your mouth. Chew with your mouth closed! Don’t grab food off other’s plates or reach across others.
- Sit (the right way) in your chair the whole meal. Don’t expect small children to be able to do this for very long or with much consistency—15 minutes is likely the most you will get. Praise them when they are eating quietly and sitting still.
Ages 6-9: For young elementary age children, work on refining the following skills:
- Place settings. I know quite a few adults who still aren’t quite sure how to set a basic table. (Hint: The fork goes on the left.) A great tool for teaching proper table setting is placemats that outline what goes where.
- Utensils. By now, children should have the fine motor control to learn how to use utensils properly and how to use their knife and fork to cut up food. Also teach them what to do with their utensils when they are not in use. Don’t push your plate away when you are finished.
- No elbows on the table.
- How to ask or decline politely. Have your children practice this by ordering for themselves at a restaurant. “May I please have…” or “I would like…,” not “I want chicken nuggets now!” Teach them that “No, thank you” should be sufficient most of the time. They don’t have to elaborate on the reason.
Ages 9 and up: Older children should be taught more advanced etiquette suitable for situations they will encounter, such as eating at a friend’s house or eating at a nice restaurant.
- Courses. Explain the order of the courses at fancy restaurants and which utensils, cups or glasses and plates go with each.
- Passing and serving food to others. A meal that includes extended family is perfect for practicing this skill.
- No technology at the table. This is one that parents need to model themselves. Banning technology is hard if you are on your own phone at mealtimes! Phones should be switched to vibrate and kept out of sight when dining formally.
The most important rule for all ages is to be sure to thank your host for the meal!
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Do you have any of these characters at your dining table?
The Wanderer: A child who cannot remain seated during the meal, does laps around the table, hops up and down and does a balancing act on his chair.
The Complainer: “Some of my food is touching other food!” “Ewwwww! What is this?” “It’s not fair—Brother/Sister has more/less than I do! “
The Builder: A child who constructs things with any “materials” within reach at the table: utensils, ketchup bottle, salt and pepper shakers, his food, his napkin…
The Entertainer: This child cannot simply eat her food. She must sing, dance, act out and perform her own interpretation of the meal.
The Slow Poke: The child who has taken only a few bites by the time the rest of the table has finished the meal.
Laura McEachen is a part-time attorney and full-time mommy who is often reminded by her daughter to keep her elbows off the table.