Have you ever heard the expression, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry?” It might make for a good movie line, but it’s terrible life advice! Apologizing is actually a hallmark of a healthy relationship. If anything, love requires saying sorry—a lot—and that’s just the beginning of a good apology.
Learning how to make things right after a mistake can be hard at any age, but it can be particularly challenging for children. We parents want our children to understand that there’s nothing magical about the simple words, “I’m sorry.” What really matters is the heart behind those words. That’s why forcing kids to apologize when they’re not sorry falls short in teaching them how to reconcile relationships. At the end of the day, we want to teach them how to grow their emotional intelligence so they can see how their actions impact others. Here are some simple ways to break down the art of an apology.
Have Eyes to See How Others Are Feeling
A good apology requires seeing things from another’s perspective or, simply put, building empathy. Children have developmental limitations regarding their capacity to think beyond themselves. Toddlers, for example, are inherently self-preserving and don’t make connections between their choices and how those choices affect others. Around 4, children begin to understand how their emotions impact the feelings of others. By 5, they can answer hypothetical questions such as, “How would you feel if someone stole your favorite toy?” And by 8, they’re able to conceptualize how people may have different feelings than their own, while tackling other complex situations where nuance is required. As children mature, their investment in relationships deepens, which enables them to make amends on their own.
This doesn’t mean that parents should wait until children are older to begin teaching empathy. In fact, the best way to model empathy is through responding with grace and compassion when kids are at their worst: tired, cranky and downright irritable. As we teach our children to see things beyond themselves, we’re laying the groundwork for why apologies are important in the first place.
Take Ownership
It’s not enough to acknowledge that our choices can impact others. To make amends, the next step in the art of apologizing is owning that action. Many times, people get lost in the weeds at this point. They may utter “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” but continue to offer justifications for what they perceive as a misunderstanding or mistake. A true apology, however, requires taking responsibility for that action. We must own what we do, regardless of whether it was purposeful or by accident. This can be incredibly hard for a multitude of reasons. After all, no one likes to admit when they’re wrong. It can feel embarrassing. There may be shame or fear of repercussions. Or as Rachel Rifkin says in Today’s Parent, it can also be due to complicated emotions like cognitive dissonance, otherwise known as that awkward feeling you get when you try to hold two contradictory beliefs at once. For instance, a child may see himself as a good person, but also have an awareness that he did something wrong. How can that be rectified? He might justify that what he did wasn’t all that bad or attempt to rationalize why the other person deserved it.
This is where parents can be most helpful, offering guidance and not overreacting to their child’s mistakes. Skip the lecture and, instead, aim for questions that connect the child’s feelings to his actions, letting him discern how to make better choices in the future. As Ellen Goldsmith, a licensed clinical social worker, admonishes, “It’s always unwise to try to teach when we are angry or our children have difficulty hearing. We also can’t teach when we are embarrassed in front of others.”
Only after a child is calm and level-headed should he begin the act of apologizing: acknowledging another’s hurt feelings while also demonstrating sincere remorse.
Make Things Right
Edwin Battistella, PhD, linguistics professor and author of Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology, says that a good apology is multifaceted: It needs to name the harm done, be sincerely remorseful and repair the harm in some way. A simple guide for this is three sentence stems: I’m sorry for … , this is wrong because … , and in the future I will ….
A good example of this would be:
I’m sorry for taking your game without asking.
This is wrong because it belongs to you, and I didn’t get your permission.
In the future I will get your permission or find something else to play with.
Having a framework for building sincere apologies can be transformative when children learn that offering one is not a personal loss but a relational gain. Kids can find multiple ways to make amends for their mistakes, but a simple one is by asking what they can do to help. It can be incredibly gratifying having a demonstrable way to express sincere remorse.
A Few Caveats
This is all well and good if a child is willing to take ownership of her wrongdoing. But what if she’s adamant she did nothing wrong? It could be that she’s not accepting responsibility, but it might also be that she can’t see things from another point of view. That’s when it’s critical to get on the same page about what really happened to prevent future harm. Encourage your child to ask the offendee how that child felt and listen attentively so a different perspective is gained.
Conversely, some children are inclined to apologize for things that don’t warrant one. Overuse of an apology can diminish its value when it’s truly necessary. A good rule of thumb is to train children that they’re fully responsible for their attitudes and actions alone. When those cause hurt for others, it’s a good time to apologize. But they are not responsible for others’ attitudes and actions if they did nothing wrong. This understanding empowers children and protects them from being emotionally abused or manipulated.
Finally, an apology gives freedom to the victim to do with it what he will. Apologies may be accepted or denied, and sometimes that decision takes time. Reconciliation is a beautiful thing, but it can only be achieved if both parties want it. Ultimately, an apology frees us to move forward regardless of whether we’re forgiven. Apologies don’t make perfect people, but they show a commitment to honesty about our mistakes and a desire to do better in the future.
Lauren Greenlee is a boymom of four hailing from Olathe.