One of the hardest parts of parenting is seeing your children in pain. When they are little, their pains are seemingly simple and easy to cure. Hugs and Band-Aids may suffice as good medicine for a skinned knee, for example. But then there are more complex pains a child will suffer over time from events like being excluded from a used-to-be-best-friend’s birthday party, getting in trouble with a teacher or being accused unjustly. Unlike physical pain, there’s no medicine for a broken heart or a crushed spirit. We inherently want to alleviate our kids’ burdens or even protect them from hardship altogether. But although there is a lot of responsibility in parenting, fixing our children’s problems for them is not one of them. In fact, rushing in with solutions or swooping in to fight our kids’ battles does them a big disservice.
If we aim to make the world a comfortable place for our children where they don’t experience hardship or relationship challenges, we’re setting them up for failure in the real world where those things exist in abundance. It’s our job, then, to hold space and bear witness to our child’s experience. We need to be present so kids can communicate what’s wrong and feel heard. Oftentimes, parents struggle to do this for a couple different reasons.
First, having unhappy children can feel unbearable. There is often a cultural expectation that if our kids are happy, we’re doing something right. Conversely, this can lead us to believe that if they’re not happy, we must be doing something wrong. But this is foolishness. Are you happy all the time? Of course not! No one is because life is filled with a gamut of emotions and experiences. If we avoid situations that allow our kids to deal with hard things or wrestle with uncomfortable feelings, our kids will grow up believing that they aren’t capable of handling challenging situations for themselves or that they need someone else to continue to fight their battles for them. Likewise, they’ll also be led to believe that uncomfortable feelings are the sign of a problem to run from instead of a challenge to work through. At the root, many parents are equally as uncomfortable with their own negative feelings when their children are unhappy. Fixing your child’s situation, then, can be as much about avoiding your own discomfort as your child’s. In either event, what’s lost in the process is your child’s growth and maturity. After all, nobody is equipped to do hard things until they actually do hard things.
Second, the desire to fix our son’s or daughter’s problems is oftentimes the result of parental insecurity. This can be due to a number of factors:
- Fear-induced decision making. The world seems increasingly unsafe, and a right desire to protect children from harm can often result in restricting opportunities to grow, take responsibility or learn from failure.
- Perfectionism. For perfectionistic parents, children seldom can do things to Mom’s or Dad’s own standards, which necessitates butting in to “fix” what amounts to personal preferences. Because children learn through trial and error, they are short-changed the opportunity to troubleshoot or learn from their mistakes if they are taught that they can never mess up. A parent’s fear of personal failure can often be projected onto a child. In a desire to see the child avoid struggle, a parent can unintentionally cripple his child with anxiety instead.
- Guilt or pity. Some parents find that guilt or pity is a pervasive motivation to step in. Perhaps the child has a learning disability, a special need or has experienced deep loss or trauma at a young age. As a result, a parent feels that by shouldering the burden of the child’s responsibility, he will help the child cope more effectively. Sara Bean, a school counselor and parenting coach, argues the opposite is true. “Children who are experiencing hardship need structure, and they need to be taught coping skills and functional skills, perhaps even more than your ‘average’ child. Hardships will only cripple your child if you treat your child like he can’t handle them,” Bean says. “It’s important that you let your child know you believe they are strong and resilient by maintaining your expectations, because you are the mirror that will impact your child more than any other. The image of them that you reflect is what you will get back.”
- Emotional blackmail. And yet in other cases, emotionally manipulative children can put up such a fight, some parents feel it’s easier to sweep in and clean up their mess than deal with the aftermath of letting the child learn from his mistakes.
Regardless of the reasons, it’s imperative that children learn to take responsibility for themselves. All parental excuses made to justify taking over can become internalized by a child. This has the power to form a child’s identity and will be used as an excuse for a lack of accountability at school, in relationships and, later, in the workforce. The result is known as learned helplessness: quite literally, a child understands that if he doesn’t take responsibility for himself, someone else will eventually bail him out. Overly dependent children become overly dependent adult children, which drains parents of their time, energy, finances and emotions—and no one wants that!
Here are some ways to back off and grow your child’s independence.
- Listen. Kids want to know they’re heard and their feelings matter. Being able to vent or communicate challenges has the power to help them problem solve on their own. Resist the urge to tell kids what to do right out of the gate and first let them share their version of events.
- Express empathy. Show support and confidence in your child’s ability to solve a problem: That sounds so frustrating, but if anyone can do it, you can!
- Allow your child to be his own person. You know the perfect way to make your son’s Boy Scout boxwood derby car, but he has other ideas. Or maybe your daughter’s geology diorama would look better with your finishing touches, but she doesn’t want them. Leave it be. Children oftentimes develop their own tastes and preferences at an early age, and they might not be in line with ours. Healthy kids are the best versions of themselves, not mini me’s of Mom or Dad.
- Brainstorm. Ask questions like, “What do you think is the best thing to do?”
- Celebrate their victories. Kids oftentimes forget their own history. Remind them of their past successes, noting that confidence is built through baby steps. Even small wins are a step toward independence.
Lauren Greenlee is a boymom of four hailing from Olathe. A recovering perfectionist, she can be found cheering her boys on from the sidelines and freelance writing in her free time.