When your child comes home from school and you ask, “How was your day?” what kind of answer do you get? A frustrating “Fine”? Parents can encourage kids to open up and elaborate on their answers by asking open-ended questions that foster communication rather than inviting the conversation to end with a quick, one-word response. Parents desire a healthy and open relationship with their children, but building communication can be challenging, especially if you feel like your children are not sharing the ups and downs of their day.
An open-ended question is one that requires a more in-depth answer than a simple yes, no or other one-word response. Instead of asking, “How was school?'' try to ask specific questions like, “How did the math test go?” or “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” Listen to your child and ask follow-up questions when possible.
Roe Hunter, marriage and family counselor at Lifeworks Counseling in Madison, MS, says, “I suggest that you ask a question like, ‘How are you today?’ and then wait patiently. Allow for silence to feel uncomfortable. If the child is quietly thinking, wait some more.” Giving kids the time to speak when they are ready is key. There are many benefits to asking open-ended questions.
Strengthen your relationship
Asking open-ended questions and allowing your children to respond in their own time shows them you care about what is going on in their lives, what is important to them and that you are available when they are ready to share. Parents can take this one step further and ask follow-up questions. If you know your child was worried about a test, experiencing a conflict with a friend or excited about an upcoming event, check in and ask how the situation turned out. This helps build your relationship with your child and also shows him you are listening and that you care about him. The long-term benefit of regularly having conversations with your child is a stronger relationship built on trust.
“It is important to be aware and actively listen to your child,” says Hunter. “Tune into their desires, needs, wants and interests. Ask engaging and curious questions about what interests them.” When you show your children that you are interested in what excites them, you are actually showing them you are interested in them as people. We may not be thrilled by the latest toy craze, video game or sports statistics, but if we show kids we are interested in what they say and are really listening to them, it will make opening up about other, more difficult topics easier in the future.
Learn something new
When you regularly ask your child open-ended questions, you may get an answer that isn’t what you expect. This can be something positive and give you the opportunity to celebrate with your child, but it can also be something that is alarming. For example, your child may share that she is having feelings of anxiety, that she is being bullied or that she is failing a school subject. Kids will start to share when they feel secure and comfortable. “In order to get a kid to open up regardless of age, you must embody safety,” says Hunter. “Safe people are Secure. Aware. Forgiving. Empathetic. (S.A.F.E.)” Everyone needs a place that feels secure and safe to share feelings without judgment or criticism. When a child shares something that surprises you, remain calm. Listen and talk through the situation and try to be understanding. Overreacting or expressing anger will cause the child to shut down.
Encourage self-expression
Kids are naturally creative, but open-ended questions encourage your children to be creative with their vocabulary and develop habits of healthy self-expression. Good communication skills are an important craft your children will use throughout their lives. When answering an open-ended question, your children must think about how to respond in a way that tells a story, expresses their feelings and communicates in an understandable way. When you ask follow-up questions using what, where, why, how or tell me about that, kids get the opportunity to critically think about the situation and communicate what they think happened and why. Effective communication skills build their confidence, self-esteem and their relationship with you, and kids will use these skills for the rest of their lives.
As you try to continue the conversation with your kids, remember to ask open-ended questions, show interest in what interests them and be patient and give them time. “Quiet kids seem to need a longer period of ‘warming up,’” says Hunter. “Give the child the message that this is okay.” Letting your children know you are available when they are ready to talk will help foster communication over time.
Examples of Open-Ended Questions for Kids
Here are some examples of open-ended questions that can be used in any situation with kids of any age.
- If you could be any animal, what would you be?
- What was the best part of your day?
- If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?
- If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
- What are you afraid of?
- What is one thing that makes you brave?
- What is your favorite part about yourself?
- If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- What is the best part about school?
- Tell me about a time when you were really happy.
Some ideas to reframe the “How was school?” question to get an answer other than “Fine.” Remember to ask follow-up questions: “Why?” or “Tell me more about that.”
- What was your high and low of the day?
- What did you have for lunch? What is your favorite school lunch? Who do you sit with?
- How did your math test go? Are you happy with how it went?
- What are you looking forward to this week?
- What classes do you feel most motivated in?
- Who is your favorite teacher?
- Have you noticed anyone getting picked on at school?
- What are you reading right now?
Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer who lives in Olathe with her family.