Adding a new stepparent into the family dynamic can be tricky. It’s a journey filled with bumps, sharp turns and even an occasional land mine. And though some growing pains will undoubtedly occur as the family structure shifts, some tools and resources can help make the transition smoother for everyone. Keep an open mind, lead with love and soon enough you’ll find that there’s a place for everyone.
The problem: Stereotypes for stepparents
Entire generations of parents and kids have been raised in pop culture that stereotypes stepparents as evil, untrustworthy and, worst of all, children haters. Cinderella and Snow White certainly had the mothers of all bad stepmothers, and let’s not even get started on Meredith Blake from The Parent Trap. Although these typecasts are wrong and arguably even dangerous, they have undeniably penetrated the conscious minds of kids and families, making the transition for a new stepparent extra tough.
How to fix it: Shine a new light
Changing the negative narrative around a stepparent starts with you. Whether the new stepparent is at home or at your ex’s across town, it’s your job to create a space of encouragement and positivity. Seek out films and literature that shine a constructive light on a blended family. Yours Mine & Ours, Instant Family and even The Sound of Music (if your kids love a musical) are great examples of stepparent-positive movies. Check out library books that encourage positive stepparent relationships too.
The problem: Talking trash
Big feelings are an inevitable part of this transition. The children and the parents on both sides are adjusting. But when one parent starts finding ways to speak negatively about the incoming stepparent, things can get infinitely worse. Feelings and emotions you have about the new addition are just that: your feelings. Sharing them with your child is a surefire way to make the process longer and harder for everyone.
How to fix it: Take it somewhere else
It’s perfectly acceptable to have a range of feelings and opinions about a new stepparent joining your children’s lives. And the only appropriate place to discuss those opinions is with your partner, friends or therapist. When you’re in front of your children, keep your lips sealed. Use encouraging language about the new stepparent and find ways to let your children know you are supportive of their developing a relationship with them. Children need to know it’s OK—and important!—to love both parents without being afraid of punishments or penalties.
The problem: Breaking out the petty
The new stepparent forgot to pack socks for your child. Dock a point. The stepparent was 10 minutes late picking up the child from soccer. Dock another point. Your child’s hair looks more unruly than usual when you pick him up. Dock 40 points. It’s easy to fall into the trap of cataloging every single flaw the new stepparent has and, to make it worse, sharing them with your child. After all, you would’ve done it differently. Better even. Rather than asking how you can help the new stepparent transition into the new role, you actively assist—and secretly delight—in their failure.
How to fix it: Remember who it hurts
No one says you have to like this new situation. But stalling progress by focusing on insignificant mistakes only causes your children to suffer. Be the bigger person and welcome the new stepparent into your world. After all, they’re new here. Establish early on that everyone’s goal is to make your children’s lives easier, not make the new stepparent’s life harder. If the adults in the room can swallow their pride and establish a baseline of respect, a new rhythm will emerge much faster, and everyone will be happier for it.
The problem: Going it alone
The disruption of adding a new person into the family is monumental. Everything is changing. New schedules, new menus, new preferences—it can be a lot. Oftentimes, parents on both sides of the aisle feel the answer is to keep their heads down and power through all the disruption.
How to fix it: Ask for help
Families have been dealing with divorce and second and third marriages for decades, but that doesn’t mean they’ve done it wisely. Burying your collective heads in the sand and hoping for things to get better is not only foolish, it’s a wasted opportunity. If your family is struggling with this very new transition, consider seeking out a family counselor. A third party who can see all sides of the situation will be instrumental in creating a healthy routine and establishing respect for everyone involved. The biggest bonus? Your child will see that it’s OK to ask for help when a situation gets too big. Your family admitting that help is needed isn’t a weakness—it’s a display of true strength.
Three Ways to Welcome a Stepparent Today
Give grace – When the new stepparent makes a mistake, don’t harp on it. Accept the goof and move on. If you’re feeling extra generous, consider sharing a time you did the same thing. Because, let’s face it, you aren’t perfect either.
Ask for input – If you and your ex are making a decision about something that isn’t significant, ask for the stepparent’s input. No one is asking you to involve them in choosing a college for your child, but they can certainly provide thoughts on the flavor of birthday cake.
Involve the co-parent – There are a lot of dynamics that a stepparent is trying to navigate. Involve your co-parent to try to help with the transition. They can act as a buffer because of their shared history with you and the future history with the stepparent.