Birth order: The chronological order of sibling birth in a family
Birth order can help parents understand why kids raised in the same house, under the same rules can be so different. Sibling rivalry, gender, spacing, multiple births, parenting styles and a host of other factors influence one’s development. Although birth order remains slightly controversial, enough trends have emerged that parents can use the findings to maximize their children’s place in the family. As family psychologist and birth order expert Kevin Leman writes in The Birth Order Book, “Understanding your birth order won’t change your or anyone else’s personality,” but it is “an influence that determines how a child turns out.”
What’s Your Order?
There are five primary birth positions: first-born, second-born, middle, last and only children. Bearing in mind that scientific evidence about birth order’s determining one’s personality and intelligence is still under debate, consider the qualities of each order and see whether they match your family. Apply this informal test among friends and extended family members to see what rings true. Parenting strategies follow the descriptions that can help each child thrive within his birth order.
Firstborns are often the parents’ “experimental child.” Siblings “dethrone” the firstborn, who often becomes a caregiver, giving rise to her “take charge” tendencies and later leadership abilities. Firstborns tend to excel academically, enjoy pleasing others, follow rules and hold high expectations for themselves and others.
Parenting: Teach a firstborn it’s ok to feel jealousy and anger toward siblings. While he gained playmate(s), he lost your undivided attention. Help her verbally express her feelings and spend one-on-one time with her. Let him choose which belongings to share, but set limits on any controlling behavior and language that puts down younger siblings. Don’t overload the eldest with responsibility; spread chores among all family members.
Second-borns are sometimes strong-willed, may be rebellious, more outgoing. They seek ways to distinguish themselves from the eldest, with whom they will develop a natural rivalry. Many seconds are athletic and like to control their space.
Parenting: Second-borns need to know they don’t have to measure up to the older sibling. Help him verbalize his feelings instead of acting out of anger and frustration. Reassure her of your unconditional love, praising her strengths and abilities. Intervene when the older sibling criticizes, but avoid babying the younger and do teach him to be assertive.
Middle-borns can be paradoxes. Their peacemaker role makes them good mediators and loyal friends. Despite being the “most overlooked” children, they tend to be the happiest, most content adults as they lack the first-born’s high expectations and the limelight of the last-born.
Parenting: Middles need help coping with feeling left out and with jealousy and anger. They need lots of understanding and reassurance; encourage them to talk about their feelings to minimize anger. Give them lots of attention; encourage the older child to include the middle one, yet build the middle’s identity through individual pursuits.
Youngest children are the perpetual babies of the family. They’re the entertainers who are creative risk takers. Their antics counter the serious eldest child. Inconsistent treatment—held and rocked one minute, ignored the next—builds perseverance.
Parenting: Tune in to this one, despite the tendency to relax. Read to him, even if he learns from siblings; find activities that fit her age and interests. Let the youngest work out problems independently rather than rescuing him.
Only children are similar to firstborns, but never lose their parents’ undivided attention, which is good and bad. Leman describes these “super firstborns,” as mature, very thorough, high achieving, self-motivated, literal thinking, cautious perfectionists who set very high standards for themselves.
Parenting: Create play dates with same-age peers, set limits and encourage independence. Watch the tendency to overpressure and protect the only child. Teach her to accept her mistakes by your example. “You just missed getting an A; it’s ok,” shows unconditional love instead of absolute perfection. Sharing your own mistakes and life lessons helps children accept their setbacks.
And, In the End …
Each birth order holds advantages and disadvantages, but one absolute rule crosses every position: unconditional love. So, use what you know about birth order—and everything else you’ve acquired—to share your undying love with your children, and you’ll likely raise content individuals who are comfortable with their lots in life.
New research reveals interesting tidbits about birth order:
- Firstborns get certain allergies more often (about 4%) than younger siblings.
- More than half of our U.S. presidents were firstborns. Barack Obama is considered a “functional” only child, because he was 9 when his half sister was born.
- Birth order can affect career interests. Two new studies reveal only children and firstborns are drawn to intellectual or analytical arenas, while later-born children gravitate to creative and outdoors-related careers.
- Birth order may also influence your love life. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are considered birth-order compatible. Pitt’s firstborn and Jolie’s last-born positions are considered a good match. Other celebrity matches: Barack Obama and last-born Michelle; Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner: firstborn and middle respectively. The firstborn takes charge, while the middle compromises. Incompatible birth orders: two firstborns make for too many chiefs and two last-born children leave no one in charge.
- Evidence that oldest children have a higher I.Q. depends on two main factors: perceived role of the child in the family and a possible I.Q. boost from tutoring someone else.
Firstborn Kathy Stump writes from Parkville, where she’s raising afirstborn daughter and a second/youngest son with her middle-bornspouse.