As I drive, my three-year-old daughter, Michela, buckled snuggly in her car seat, is reciting the litany of don'ts taught to her at preschool for how to treat friends. She repeats the list, adding another don't: "We don't hit. We don't kick. We don't pinch. We don't spank bottoms ." Ah, there's the rub.
Today, for the first time, I reached the end of my rope with Michela. After a sound lecture and several time-outs, she continued to take a toy away from her younger sister, resulting in loud cries and tears. Out of sheer frustration, I mentioned a discipline technique that I never thought I would use. I explained what it was and what behavior could cause it to happen. I think I can safely say that I threatened my toddler with a spanking. And, although she didn't actually get spanked, she did amend her behavior. I felt I had dodged a bullet.
For parents, there is a line between acceptable behavior and non-acceptable behavior from their children. We have expectations of how our children will behave, treat others, eat and dress, among others. And most of us have an array of guidelines and discipline techniques that we employ when our expectations aren't met.
Unsafe behavior is a deal-breaker.
The overwhelming majority of parents are uncompromising about safety. Kimberlee Spores, a mother of three-year-old triplets, describes five categories of absolutes that result in a time-out at her hours. "Hitting, kicking or purposefully hurting; throwing food or spitting; sassing mom or bossing each other; (during) outdoor play leaving the yard, crossing street or going outside alone; (while inside) dancing on furniture or standing on the tables or putting oneself at risk by climbing," says Spores. Beyond these safety and compatibility issues, Spores, perhaps out of necessity, is laid back. Her triplets have a great deal of freedom in choosing their free-time activities, certain aspects of their meals and their clothes. Spores believes the key to a happy household is picking battles worth fighting and letting other behaviors slide. But, she says, parents can go too far with either extreme. "A friend of mine is on top of her kids all the time; they can't breathe without getting screamed at. Another friend doesn't discipline at all. My kids know what the issues are, where the fence is, they can be relaxed and have a good time."
Betsy Hart, mother of four, syndicated columnist and other of It Takes a Parent: How the Culture of Parenting is Hurting Our Kids- And What to Do About It (Putnam, 2005), agrees with Spores and applauds her parental confidence. Hart says, "[It's] the confident parent who is the best equipped to make sense of what is happening with their child." She explains that dogmatic adherence to expert advice and placing children on pedestals is undermining overall parental confidence. To bolster your confidence as a parent, Hart suggests, "Decide early who is in control of your home- either you or your children. It doesn't mean you're a tyrant. There is room for discussion and discourse, but you are in control. That more than anything will minimize the problems." Hart reassures parents who worry about their children's reactions, "If your kids get upset and angry at you, they will move on and survive being told ‘no.' It's good for kids to know that the world doesn't revolve around them."
It's OK to let some stuff go.
Like many parents, Heather Suddreth and her husband picked absolutes for their daughter, Jenna, based primarily on safety considerations ("We hold hands in parking lots) and courtesy ("No whining or hitting"). But they let some other behavioral issues go. Suddreth explains, "I didn't want to have Jenna hear ‘no' all the time because overuse of the word ‘no' can make it lose its impact."
Suddreth doesn't want to live in a "No" home. She wants to create a positive environment where, sometimes, non-dangerous behaviors are allowed to slide.
"You have to establish the household you want," advises Hart. To do that, sometimes parents have to shed their pre-conceived notions and expectations about how things should be. For example, parents who abandon the conventional concepts of how kids must look and dress often feel like a great weight has been lifted.
"I want my child to look nice and that really doesn't matter. That was a good lesson for me," reports mother of two Anne Cooper.
Other mandates are location-dependent. Jenna Suddreth likes to throw her toys. As log as she's throwing soft toys in her own house-and not at anyone-that is fine with her mother. "The rules change at other people's houses," says Suddreth.
Setting boundaries is key.
Some toddler behaviors can be excused; others cannot. Parental techniques for creating and marinating discipline vary from time-outs to taking away toys, from offering rewards to spanking. Most parents experiment to determine what works in their households.
Each parent has to make peace with his or her comfort level when it comes to discipline and setting limits. "I'm not a big bribery person," says Cooper. "You do the right think because it's the right thing to do and you are a part of the family. It's about trying to instill the value rather than how you get something. We use consequences and offer choices."
Ed Brown, a father of two, endorses the WAIT (What Am I Teaching) technique for discipline. Brown believes that the message he sends with the words he chooses, his tone of voice and his body language impact his daughters' self-esteem. He also believes that it's often beneficial to change the subject to avoid a power struggle. "The benefit of this is that when they do experience ‘no' they understand that it's not just a word," says Brown.
Though some of his in-laws favor spanking as a first-line approach to discipline, Brown and his wife choose other methods. Regardless of whether or not patents spank, Hart feels that confidence and consistency strengthen parents' ability to create their desired home environment. Perseverance is essential, she says. "It's not about the behavior at the moment. It's about the long-term view. There are going to be times when our children or our neighbors think we are kooks. It just doesn't bother me," says Hart.
Create a strong, united front.
Suddreth, Spores, Brown and Cooper all emphasize how both parents contribute to the discipline in their households, and they stress the importance of having the expectations of both parents on the same page. "We don't step on each others toes because we don't want to breakdown the credibility," says Spores.
Finding time to discuss a plan of action can be challenging. When their children started to talk, Cooper and her husband found less time for parental discussions. "It cut down our communication time so we have to be intentional about finding time to talk," explains Anne. The Coopers attended parenting classes offered in their community and felt these courses helped to facilitate communication, to set reasonable expectations for age appropriate behavior (at their children's developmental stages) and to foster understanding of what discipline would work for them.
These principles are equally important in single-parent households, says Hart. "What a child really needs besides love and affection is a parent who is confident, sees the heart of his child effectively and is willing to reach the heart of their child. Children learn good choices by having good choices made for them."
Yesterday, my toddler wore a pretty sundress and her pink, butterfly rain boots to preschool again- for the third day in a row. And there wasn't a cloud in sight. Although I preferred she wear her sandals, this just wasn't a battle I wanted to fight. "We don't hit, we don't kick, we don't pinch." And today we don't match. And that's OK.