Kids need to know they can do hard things. As the product of the participation trophy generation, most young parents have the knowledge that endless praise and being awarded for nominal effort tends to backfire. The good news? Building confidence in today’s kids is simpler than we tend to make it. Here are a few ways you can boost your own child’s confidence.
Model Humble Confidence
Self-confidence stems from feeling competent and capable of doing something. One of the best ways to model self-confidence is through voicing healthy self-speak, especially when dealing with life stress, such as challenging work deadlines or difficult interpersonal relationships. Avoid using words like, “I’ve just never been good at fill-in-the-blank,” as though it were an excuse to avoid hard things. Likewise, don’t beat yourself up for failure or making mistakes. Use honest assessments like, “I’m still learning how to do this, but I’ll get there!” Be willing to try new things and show your kids that it’s never too late to develop new interests, hobbies or passions. The goal isn’t perfection. Watching you struggle, persevere and conquer teaches your children that they are capable of doing the same.
Clarify That Mistakes Aren’t a Sign of Failure
After all, mistakes show that someone is trying! Failure isn’t found in not succeeding; true failure is letting fear prevent you from actually trying. Mistakes are inevitable when learning a new skillset. The goal, then, isn’t to avoid a challenge but to embrace the ones that come as a means of learning both perseverance and creative problem solving. This can be hard for parents, as we often want to shield our kids from failure. But giving them the opportunity to learn through their “uh-oh” moments lets them know we think they are capable of figuring things out on their own. Don’t just let them play it safe … encourage them to take risks and learn through the struggle. Overcoming small obstacles builds confidence in kids that encourages them to tackle harder and bigger things.
Praise Effort and Progress
Getting flooded with compliments feels good for a time, but praise falls flat when it isn’t earned and comes too often. “You are so pretty!” or “You’re the best artist ever!” says nothing about accomplishment but everything about personal opinion. Young and old alike can attest that having their effort esteemed is much more valuable. Make sure your praise is specific, sincere and sparing. Avoid making ability-oriented statements like, “You are so good at X-Y-Z.” Instead, highlight how those skills are being used well. By doing so, you clarify the fact that a person and his ability are not synonymous and help break the need for constant people pleasing. More important than skills and talents, make sure to highlight character qualities you see growing in your children, such as empathy, courage or tenacity.
Keep Comparison at Bay
Kids need to know they are loved unconditionally and not on the basis of being as good as or better than someone else. Their value should not be contingent on being as accomplished as a classmate or as talented as a sibling. When we compare our children to an outside source, we send a message that they have yet to earn our favor but will when they are someone they’re not. When providing feedback, both constructive and complimentary, focus on how the child has grown in personal mastery, comparing him to his own past performance, not someone else’s.
Give Exposure to New Opportunities
Some kids find their passion early. But for most, it takes exposure to a lot of different activities before something sticks. Kids that lack self-confidence can be wary of trying new things, but by encouraging them to try their hands at something new, you help them not only build skills but also assurance in their ability to handle new situations and circumstances. Helping your child discover his own interests is a critical part of building his sense of identity, and building identity is crucial to building his self-confidence. Go to a concert series, watch a ball game and participate in a service project together. Even if your child excels in one arena, exploring other opportunities can help him to become more well-rounded.
Make ‘Em Pitch In
Confidence isn’t built solely on talent. One of the biggest contributors is knowing that you are a part of something bigger than yourself. Kids may scoff at household chores, but being responsible for crucial parts of family life gives kids child the sense that what they do matters. It’s not enough to simply focus on homework and extracurriculars. Kids feel more appreciated and connected when their contribution is valued and necessary. Everyone at every age can help make the household run more smoothly: folding and processing laundry, unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, setting the table or feeding the dog. Consult with your kids to divvy out chores. When everyone is ready for a change, mix up who does what chore for variety’s sake. Of course, cleaning up isn’t always fun and games ... but then again, there’s value in learning to do boring and menial work, too!
Let Them Have Some Skin in the Game
Parents have to make executive decisions on behalf of their kids in the interest of safety and well-being all the time. But within those boundaries, children should have the opportunity to make some calls on their own. Just like completing chores, making individual decisions can be empowering and confidence-boosting. Kids can make age-appropriate decisions, such as picking what outfit they wear, what lunch to pack for school or which game they play.
Surround Them with People Worth Emulating
Monkey see, monkey do! Surround your children with people that exemplify positive character qualities and confidence in who they are. This not only means fostering friendships with peers that encourage and uplift your child, but it also means putting positive adult role models in their life as well.
Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe freelance writer and boymom of four who loves encouraging parents with the knowledge that they are the best source for building confident and competent children.