I believe all generations have had their hardships when it comes to parenting, but both my mom and my grandma have told me they are glad to not have to parent young children today. There’s just a lot to handle, learn about and manage these days, and two of the key culprits are screens and social media. They’re like mosquitoes in the Midwest: unavoidable. There is definitely a spectrum of healthy and reasonable use, but how do you determine a good plan for your own family?
Personally, we have dragged our feet for a long time before allowing unfettered screen access for our kids because I realize how slippery a slope the issue is and we wanted our children to experience all the perks of a childhood without a screen. Don’t get me wrong, my children all loved their cartoons and movies and some educational games when they were younger. But screens were always and only when I said and always something I had approved. We avoided iPads but got Kindle Fire tablets when our car DVD players went kaput but use them only for road trips. We held off on phones for a long time, as well, and just gave our daughter an old one of ours when she went off to middle school.
Now that she’s in seventh grade, it continues to get harder to stick to our guns about what we think is safe, appropriate and necessary. Our son will be headed to middle school next year, too, so this is something our family needs to figure out more clearly so our children know the rules, why there are rules, and the consequences if those rules aren’t followed. I avoided screens and such for so long, trying to be a good parent but also out of fear—there’s just so much out there that is inappropriate or dangerous. But living in fear isn’t helpful. What’s essential is to learn and teach how to navigate these technical waters. The other dilemma parents have to face and develop a game plan for is social media. Will you allow your children to have it and, if so, at what age and with what, if any, restrictions?
First, let’s get an honest look at how much screen time the average child gets daily. According to TheAmericanAcademyofChildAndAdolescentPsychiatry.org, “Children and adolescents spend a lot of time watching screens, including smartphones, tablets, gaming consoles, TVs, and computers. On average, children ages 8-12 in the United States spend 4-6 hours a day watching or using screens, and teens spend up to 9 hours. While screens can entertain, teach, and keep children occupied, too much use may lead to problems.”
That statistic alone is eye opening and a bit shocking when you look at how our own childhoods were spent—but not as shocking when we are honest about our own weekly screen time reports that our lovely iPhones supply us with each week.
Certainly, not all screen time is created equal. I think it’s important to be honest with ourselves when we consider how and why our families are using screens so much. If we’re using screens as a babysitter, time filler or boredom buster, then perhaps we should reevaluate how we could better use that time. But if we’re using technology to actually connect with people or engage with a project we are passionate about, or do legitimate work or schoolwork, then that should be fine—as long as we’re being smart by taking breaks and not overdoing it.
This is actually a great way to start a conversation about why and how you use social media and ask why your children would like to have their own social media accounts. We parents can be quick to assume things, but if we take the time to ask then really listen to our kids’ answers, we could be surprised. I think the primary reasons kids want to use social media are purely peer pressure and the desire to fit in. We all remember those days, right? Many teens use various social media apps to communicate with each other, so it’s hard to be the “only” kid without a certain app “everyone” else is using. That can make a teen feel left out. Honestly, it’s also hard as a parent to have your kid be left out. Sarah Lyons, mother of six, says, “My daughter got social media in eighth grade. She was being left out of friend activities without it, so we relented. It was monitored strictly, and she had time limits on how much she could use and then it would shut down for the day. Once she was in high school, we lifted some of those restrictions.” Amy Seibert, mother of two, had a similar situation with her daughter and says, “Our eighth grader got TikTok this year mainly so she could see the ones her softball team kept sending in group messages, but she doesn’t make or post videos.”
In our house, I thought Pinterest would be a pretty easy app to allow my daughter to have because I use it sparingly these days for recipes, hairstyles and birthday ideas, but when I checked in to see what my daughter was using it for, I realized it was just filled with TikTok videos and reels—not even on my radar or an app we agreed she could have. Monitoring children’s phones is a full-time job and honestly one I wasn’t prepared for. I’m not ready to spend my time on that yet. So she and I chatted about it and removed it for now. However, kids are smart and full of rebellion at this stage of life and can log in from a browser even using a school email, so it’s important that they know why you would rather they not be on these apps. There’s just so much to manage and be mindful of, but it’s also important to remember all the ways we rebelled and tried different things when we were their ages.
If you’re not sure about what age makes sense for your child to get a phone or social media, I’d suggest trusting your gut—as with most parenting issues—and checking in with other friends and parents of your child’s friends to see whether your child is actually the “only” one without these privileges. You can even suggest ways that kids in the friend group can communicate with each other apart from social media. Megan Euler, mother of two, says, “Harper is in seventh grade, and he has a phone but no social media like TikTok, BeReal or Snapchat. We are holding off on social media as long as we can. He has Bark on his phone, so I am monitoring his activity. He did ask for the BeReal app. I looked into it and didn't love the idea. There is so much pressure already, I don’t want him to worry about all the other stuff until he’s more mature. I think this will be harder to monitor in high school, but for right now he manages my telling him no.”
Jess Chavez, mother of three, agrees and comments, “No social media for our kids. We talked about later in high school letting them have it, so they can learn how to have balance and caution with it when they are still in our house. I am so grateful I didn’t spend my teen years on social media where everyone could see my awkward growing up, and I think it’s better for them to not have to deal with all that.”
As you start down the social media path with your children, have them sit with you and learn how to use different apps with you. Show them how to make posts private or public and talk about who to follow and what to do if they have an uncomfortable interaction online. When you do allow social media, start with just family members and maybe a couple of close friends—but always follow their accounts and what they are posting, as well as check in on any messaging. Inform your children that you will be following their accounts and have access to check in on their phones periodically, and keep communication open. Remind your children that regardless of who their besties are now, friends often change during these teen years, and friends sometimes turn on each other. Show them how easy it is to screenshot a private message or photo they may think is safe to send to their best friend. That screenshot can then be shared and used against them if the friends ever fall out.
Before allowing your children to have their own social media accounts, it’s imperative to go over all risks that come with obtaining access to the online world, as well as granting that vast world access to whatever you post. Explain that once it’s posted or sent, you can’t get it back. Caution them not to communicate with anyone they don’t know and instruct them what to do if someone contacts them—and to never share their location, never meet up with anyone they meet online, never share private information, never share or request inappropriate photos. Basically, “scare them straight” in a sense to make sure they really do think before they post. Sharing actual stories about what has happened to others is important for them to have their eyes opened to what can happen. Jessi Cole, mother of three, says, “No social media for my middle schoolers. My two older kids have phones with parental controls on them. There was a lot of drama with my daughter’s friends last year on Instagram and Snapchat, so she’s very wary of it at this point.” As sad as this can be, it can be a great way for your children to decide on their own whether or not social media is worth the drama and risks that come with it.
Also, don’t leave out the dangers of becoming depressed by spending too much time on social media, feeling left out by others when you see friends hanging out without you, and following celebrities or influencers who make them feel bad about themselves. According to KidsHealth.org, “Keep the computer in a common area where you can watch what’s going on. Teach your child about safe internet and social media use. Make sure they know the dangers of sharing private information online, cyberbullying, and sexting.” Our children’s safety is top priority, and rules are there because we love our kids and know more of what threatens out there in the online world that they can’t even imagine. Keeping up with all that’s out there is a job in itself, so I follow Officer Gomez and Tech-Savvy Parenting on Facebook for more information.
As for creating a family media plan, check out HealthyChildren.org to create your own plan with and for your family. Discuss how screen use can be positive, and sharing your family’s favorite ways to be on a screen can be a great way to start this conversation. Screens and social media can help us stay connected with friends and family, can help us learn new things like drawing and cooking, and can be a fun brain break when we become stressed. But it’s equally important to share any negatives that can come from being online too much. I suggest letting your kids share what they think and whether they’ve ever felt any of negative emotions from being online. Then, parents should share about when they know they’ve been online too long and what it feels like to them. Some examples could be not sleeping as well, not meeting work deadlines, turning in school assignments late, spending less time with family or friends, not being as physically active or just not feeling quite like themselves or even becoming depressed.
Discussing and setting up screen time limits is important, as is modeling the behavior you expect from your children or explaining why you may have more screen time than they do. I have had time limits on my phone for a couple years now because I know how easy it is to keep scrolling and that there are other ways I prefer to spend my time. Talk about how social media is like mental junk food that’s designed to be addictive. Our bodies wouldn’t feel great eating Cheetos for hours straight, and our minds don’t feel great scrolling online for hours on end either. Chat about how it feels when we’re being productive in contrast to spending hours in mindless scrolling.
Setting family guidelines for technology has many facets. Even if you have restrictions on social media and independent time on screens, you may still use screens together. Family movie night is one example. Take the opportunity to discuss other activities you all enjoy offline, too. Talk about how to determine whether a site, show or online game is appropriate by discussing ratings and your family’s values about content. Keep devices in common spaces and turn them off when not in use or at inappropriate times—like during conversations or at the dinner table. Turn all devices off an hour before bed and charge them outside of bedrooms. Set up and agree on some house rules with clear consequences for when family members do not abide by them.
My research for this article seemed to reveal a good consensus that age requirements for apps are there for a reason. Families should also keep in mind that the biggest names in tech, like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, had strict rules on screens for their children because they knew the addictive nature of the things they created. It’s also good to note that, though screen time and social media are fine when they don’t take over our lives and interfere with our basic needs, our basic needs are pretty diverse. They include eating, sleeping and staying physically active—as well as leaving the house, being social in person, engaging in other activities and getting work or schoolwork done.
Clearly, social media can be a positive thing if used well. It’s how I share my life with others, keep up with far-away friends and family, as well as learn new recipes, lifestyles and more. The same can be true for our children. It’s a tool that we need to be able to use well and not be controlled by. And allowing phones and social media does give parents some leverage for expecting good behavior. Sarah Lyons says, “We also have some rules about phones with chores. For example, if you are old enough to have a phone, then you are old enough to do your laundry. As for social media, our high schoolers both have Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, etc. They have proven over years that they are responsible.” According to an article at Time.com, Melissa Hunt, associate director of clinical training in the Department of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, has conducted a number of social media studies. One, published in 2021, found that college students who used social media for 30 minutes per day—what the researchers described as a “modest” amount of time—had the highest well-being compared to those who either didn’t use social media at all or who used it excessively. ‘They’re the most connected, the least lonely, the least depressed compared to people who use way too much, but also compared to people who use none,’ she says. ‘It’s not that social media is in and of itself inherently problematic,’ Hunt says. ‘It’s that using too much of it, or using it in the wrong way, is very problematic. My advice is if you’re going to use social media, follow friends for about one hour a day’—a number she bases on the findings of other studies suggesting that ‘60 minutes is probably the sweet spot,’ and the fact that it’s a more realistic goal for people to shoot for than 30 minutes a day.”
Remember, according to ChildrensMercy.org, “The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has reported that kids ages 8 to 12 are typically on screens 4 to 6 hours per day and teens are on screens typically up to 9 hours per day.” Technology certainly is pervasive, so we parents do need to help our kids navigate this. But I’ll admit, sometimes I get a bit paranoid about screens. I just don’t want my kids to become addicted, have no other interests or develop any unhealthy behaviors—but I have to remind myself that their childhoods are different than mine, and screens and social media aren’t going away any time soon. Our kids should learn how to manage these things well while they’re at home, so they can make educated decisions for themselves moving forward. Parenting just never gets easier, does it?
The Family Media Plan includes:
- A list of media priorities to choose from
- Practical tips to help make the plan work
- Why it's important
- The ability to print or share your finished plan
- The option to save your plan and return as often as you’d like to make changes
(Create a plan today at HealthyChildren.org.)
Tips for reducing screen time for yourself and your family from Midwestern medical system ReidHealth.org:
- Turn off notifications. Notifications are messages from apps that appear on your screen to alert you of new activity. This triggers you to look at your phone and, more likely than not, spend additional time on your phone beyond checking what the notification is.
- Set a timer. Use a timer on your phone, the microwave—or even an old-fashioned egg timer—when you are watching television or using a tablet. When the timer goes off, turn off the device and make an effort to move your body—go for a walk, clean a room or try an at-home workout.
- Leave the phone out of the bedroom. Many people fall prey to scrolling their phone in bed at night or when they first wake up in the morning. This interferes with your sleep and can significantly add to your daily screen time. Use an alarm clock to wake up each morning and leave your phone on a small table outside your bedroom door each night.
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 12, Mason, 11, and Slade, 7. She thinks back to her days of bringing cool disposable cameras everywhere she went, spending time on AOL’s AIM and getting her first cell phone that stayed in the car for emergencies only.