Oh, I’ve been there. I’m the mom who scooped her kid up—kicking and screaming—and left the library in the middle of story time (being “hangry” is real, being overstimulated is real). We calmed down in the car and ate a snack. I’ve had those out-of-body experiences where I’m just like, “Oh no. No, no, no. Surely this can’t be happening right here, right now. Oh my gosh, everyone is staring at us. SOS.”
I’ve, unfortunately, witnessed toddlers get spanked for being toddlers. I’m not here to judge another mom, but I do strongly believe that before children are punished, we need to go through a checklist. Are they tired? Are they hungry? Did they get triggered by a sound? Are their shoes too tight? Do they have to go potty? Are they sad? Is there something they are trying to communicate, but because they can’t use words, it manifests as screaming?
Sometimes, our toddlers are going to be vocal. That means kicking, screaming and crying. If we try to get on their level and figure out what they might need and validate their big feelings in their tiny bodies, maybe those meltdowns would become less frequent. Meltdowns are cries for help.
I’ve developed thicker skin since those first intimidating meltdown moments. I don’t feel everyone’s gaze on me as acutely. I don’t panic-sweat as much. I’m more focused on empathizing with the kids rather than on what others around me are thinking.
The most important tip I have is this: Some meltdowns are preventable. If your kid hasn’t eaten all day, maybe avoid leaving the house to go to a crowded grocery store (unless you have no choice in that moment). Kids’ being hungry, tired overstimulated or antsy or having an underlying need that isn’t being met are the ingredients for an avoidable meltdown recipe.
The Child Mind Institute encourages modeling calm behavior. Work on self-soothing techniques like slow breathing and relaxing your body (this applies to parents as well). Chances are, parents who are calmer, less visibly angry and not triggered or embarrassed by their child’s meltdown are less likely to impulsively spank their child for having a hard time. Your child isn’t trying to give you a hard time, she is simply having a hard time and needs your help to work through the struggle.
In the middle of a big public meltdown, be sure to bring your child to a safe space, where he can kick and yell and be upset without accidentally hurting himself or bumping his head. Sometimes when kids are in this state, nothing you say or do will resonate with them. They are too upset to hear you. As stressful as it is, sometimes you have to allow them to let it all out. Maybe this means moving to a quiet corner of the zoo or leaving a busy store.
Another way to curb a meltdown is to give your kiddo a job. If you have no choice but to take her to the grocery store, include her in the process. Make it fun. If she’s able to talk, ask her to spot something yellow in the fruit aisle. Let her carry a few of the smaller items on your list. Let her grab a candy bar as you check out.
Redirection is a tool I’ve had the most success with when it comes to my son. It definitely doesn’t always work, but most of the time it’s a lifesaver. Sometimes that means simply handing him a bag of fruit snacks from the diaper bag. Other times it means saying, “Let’s go get a Happy Meal,” when he gets triggered in the checkout line. He starts thinking about the Happy Meal instead of his current trigger.
Again, it’s helpful for parents to control their reactions to their kids’ meltdowns. This is easier said than done, most definitely. Is it possible? Absolutely. The less you react, the more success you will have in combating those stressful moments. Try to be your child’s anchor. He is looking to you for comfort and security. He doesn’t want to be in this stressful moment either. Let him know it will pass.
Lifelines:
- Snacks (Bags of Goldfish, fruit squeeze pouches, granola bars and veggie straws are lifesavers.)
- Distractions (toys, food, a random magazine or book, music, telling a story)
- Special treats, random toys or stickers
- Coloring books
- Pop-its or fidget toys
- Just staying calm (Remember to be your child’s anchor.)
- Music (either on your phone or a tablet)
- Keep your plans “loose.” Instead of making toddlers fit your schedule, cater to what they can handle. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for them. We all work this way.
Emily Morrison is a freelance writer, former copy editor, full-time mommy and Disney fanatic who lives in Independence with her husband, son, daughter and dog.