How many times have you counted to three when your child misbehaves? And then counted to four. And five. And okay, once 10 gets here, things are going to get ugly.
We’ve all done it.
Giving out consequences is tough. After all, we love our children with all our hearts and souls. We want them to have fun and magical moments during their formative years. But the truth is, kids need us parents to mean what we say and say what we mean. In the moment, giving in and letting bad behavior slide seems harmless. Unfortunately, every time that slide is allowed, it leaves the door open for bad habits and even worse future behavior.
Doling out consistent discipline should be like brushing your teeth: a habit. You wouldn’t let three days pass without cleaning those pearly whites, would you? (If you would, we have other issues to address.) Don’t let your discipline slide, either. Here’s how to keep things consistent.
Eye contact
When you are informing your children of the consequences they’re cruising toward, get on their level. Kneel down and insist they listen with their whole body. Look in their eyes and have them look in yours. You want there to be absolutely no confusion about what is expected of them.
Be prepared
Don’t wait for the heat of the moment to threaten a consequence. You’ll end up saying something arbitrary like, “If you keep that up … uh … you’re not going to like what happens!” All your child will hear is a challenge. What will happen? Will Mom really do something terrible? If nothing else, your child could see this as encouragement to test how awful things can get.
Keep the consequences clear. “If you throw your food, you will have your favorite lovey taken away for the rest of the day.” That’s it.
Now for the next step. It gets harder.
Don’t ask
“If you continue this, I’ll take away your toy, okay?” Whoa. Why would you ask your children whether it’s okay to give them a consequence for their behavior? Just by asking, you’ve literally told them that they have a say in their consequence. No, my friend, you’re the adult; no questions asked.
No negotiations
This is not a trial. Your child cannot plead insanity for a lesser sentence. Obviously, you and your partner should ensure consequences match the behavior. But once those consequences are established, they are in stone. Batting pretty eyelashes shouldn’t lessen the consequence. Stand firm and follow through.
Concise and quick
No dissertations needed. If you’ve done your work on the front end, they won’t be necessary anyway. Pick a time when you and your partner can sit down with your child and talk through consequences for repeated bad behavior before it happens.
Hitting anyone = This consequence
Getting out of bed after being tucked in = This consequence
Telling Mom or Dad “no” = This consequence
If your child can read, writing out the consequences will eliminate the “but I didn’t know this was going to happen!” response.
Be prepared to leave
Have you ever noticed your children really test the boundaries when you’re out doing something extra special? That’s because they’re hedging their bets that you’ll be too weak to leave. This can be a real gut check for a parent, but it’s a biggie. If you don’t think you’ll have the will power to follow up on the “we will leave this movie” threat, don’t even go to begin with. I’ll never forget the time I walked my child right out of an amusement park 10 minutes after we arrived. There was kicking, screaming and maybe even Exorcist-level head spinning. Ultimately, my husband and I stood strong and refused to give in to our son’s atrocious behavior. The good news is he still remembers it to this day and acts accordingly.
Reward good behavior
Yes, this article has mostly focused on the bad behavior, so let’s give a proper shout-out to the good. When your children learn from their consequences, turn on a 1,000-watt smile and call out precisely what they did right. “I’m so proud you asked to be excused from the table and waited for us to say yes! You are so awesome for doing what you know is right!” In the end, your kids want to please you, so let them know when they do.
More Quick Tips for Following Through
- Stay calm – Keep your voice slow, even and steady. If you feel your emotions boiling over, take a step away until you can regain control.
- Do not yell – If your child is far away, walk over to speak to him and remind him of what is coming if he continues his behavior.
- Once isn’t enough – Following through isn’t a once every week effort. The good news is the sooner you start, the sooner you’ll see results.
- Give respect – Resist the urge to baby talk or voice. Speak to your child, even a toddler, like a grown up. Show her you will treat her with respect, and she will do the same back.
- Try, try, try – Starting a new discipline regime will have growing pains. Your child might think it’s a passing phase at first and push boundaries even farther. Stay the course and you’ll come out the other side.
- Give yourself a break – Did I mention parenting is hard? Well, it is. Don’t forget to reward yourself when you get it right.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.