After maternity leave is up, the decision to stay home or return to work can be a difficult one to make. Hopefully, you’ve discussed your thoughts throughout the pregnancy or even before, but when the maternity leave ends, are you prepared to make the decision? There are stereotypes and opinions supporting and dismissing either choice. How do you decide and justify your choice? Here are a few things to consider.
Past and Future
Many decisions in our lives are affected by how we were raised, what was modeled to us and what we would like to mimic or shy away from in our own futures. If you were raised by a stay-at-home parent, perhaps you loved having your mom greet you when you got home from school to hear all about your day or maybe you felt stifled and wondered what she did all day. If you were raised by parents who both worked outside the home, maybe you wished you could see them more often or maybe you were proud of their work.
Your partner may have different experiences and expectations, so now you get to determine your joint family values and how you see your future together. This is a decision with many variables. Personally, I was always excited to become a mom, and I just assumed I would be a stay-at-home mom until my hypothetical children went to school. I’m not exactly sure why because this wasn’t exactly modeled for me. Both of my grandmas were working mothers, and my own mom worked outside the home until my younger brother was born and she decided to run an in-home daycare. But having my mom home (but still working—can you imagine taking on more kids while adjusting to life with your own second baby?) was such a comforting part of my childhood, and that’s what I wanted for my future family.
Childcare Cost and Availability
One crucial factor in your decision will simply be the cost of childcare. Depending on your jobs, your salary may not cover—or barely be enough to afford—childcare. If it’s a job you love, it still may be worth it, but if it’s a job you don’t, maybe this is an opportunity to be your own childcare while you figure out something else. Lori Tate, mother of three, says, “For us, daycare for two kids was just as much as I was bringing home. I loved my job, so that was okay, but I felt like I was constantly doing both my job and parenting poorly and constantly running on empty. Staying home was an option, so we went that route.” RaeLynn Kelso, mother of three, says, “I worked two to three days a week for a couple of years because I wanted to see my kids' ‘firsts.’ When I had my third baby, I stayed home full time because I could not find a babysitter. My town is seriously lacking babysitters.”
Benefits
On top of the cost of childcare, benefits like health insurance factor in as well. Laura Loeffert, mother of three, says, “I had to go back to teaching when my first was 5 months old. I accepted it because I had to work for insurance. After insurance and childcare, I made next to nothing. Then there was the feeling of not being a good mom, wife, teacher, coworker—all of it. In April of that year, my husband switched jobs, and I was able to become a SAHM that May. I do not regret a second of it. I think because going back was so incredibly hard it made it easier to know I was making the right decision for me and my family.”
Careers
Many people have had their sights set on amazing careers on top of raising a family, so staying at home is never really a consideration. If you have worked your tail off to get where you are, have ambitions on getting even further ahead in your field, or have studied far too long to not become what you set out to be, then welcoming a baby into your family isn’t going to stop you from returning to the workforce. There are plenty of wonderful daycares, babysitters and nannies that would love to help you care for your children. Jenny Berry, mother of three, says, “I decided to go back to work part time, because I truly love my job and worked really hard at it. And it was important for me to have some part of myself still, something that drove me. Now, as my kids are getting older, it is important for me to show them balance, work ethic, determination and how to chase your dreams. And even though I struggle with guilt, I know that working outside the home makes me a better mom.” Berry’s last statement is all that matters in the end, isn’t it?
Identity and Self-Worth
A big factor in motherhood is your sense of identity. The stereotypes for both SAHMs and working moms are unhelpful but can linger in the back of our minds regardless of how strongly we feel about either decision we make. Are we missing out on raising our children if we return to work? Are we wasting our education and careers if we stay at home? I think we need to decide what makes us feel most like ourselves and who we want to be. In the end, we want to be the best version of ourselves to offer to our children and families. If we love working, we should love that we love working. If we would love the chance to stay home and be with our children 24/7, then we should enjoy doing so if we are able to.
Personally, identity and self-worth have always been the hardest aspects in my experience as a SAHM for the past decade. I loathed being asked “What do you do?” at my husband’s office parties or just in general. I didn’t feel like I was doing enough. That may just be my personality because I like to accomplish things, but it is hard to consider I might have just wasted these last few years by being home and having a stark break in my resume. It was also challenging to not have any recognition for what I was contributing to our family. No one is home cheering me on for disciplining my children well, feeding them healthy lunches or taking time to play with my children. There are no raises or advancements because you’re doing a good job, and sometimes the mundaneness can seem daunting. Often, I’d recount my accomplishments for the day because there was no one acknowledging the hard work of raising these tiny humans. But this is why I believe strongly in hobbies, support groups and side hustles for SAHMs so that you have interests to discuss besides your beloved cherubs. Running and exercise, writing, reading, photography, home projects and my dogs all help me feel like more than “just a mom.”
Amy Ferrera, mother of four, has had a similar experience: “Now having four kids, I stay home because it’s what I know as my normal, financially works better for us (the human services field I would work in wouldn’t cover our childcare costs), and before COVID, my husband’s travel schedule was all over the place and his schedule didn’t allow for flexibility— making it easier for me to stay home while he worked. I won’t lie—I always have a back-of-the-mind thought of ‘is this all I’m supposed to do? Did I go to college for nothing? Will my kids think I did anything?’ Sometimes I feel unaccomplished, jealous of my husband’s work recognition, or I find myself wanting a little slice of doing something for me outside of being a mom. But at the end of the day, for my family, I know being a stay-at-home mom has been a blessing for us even on the thankless days, and I wouldn’t change it if I could go back.”
Volunteering is another great way to feel fulfilled during your time as a SAHM. Volunteers are needed in many places and are invaluable for many organizations. Even small things like helping in your school-aged children’s classrooms is a great way to feel and be useful, as well as find community with the staff at the school.
Work/Life Balance
We all know there are two sides to each coin and that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Many days I longed for office friendships, work lunches, grabbing a coffee and drinking it while hot, getting dressed up and accomplishing things, and maybe even traveling for work. But then there were days I was thankful to be able to get a run in with my kids during beautiful weather, take them on mommy field trips and watch them experience things for the first times. It seems like you can’t have your cake and eat it too, doesn’t it?
But I do think we often end up where we are supposed to be, and we are all teaching our children what it means to be a woman and to have choices. It also takes a lot of teamwork and coordination to make a family work well too. While I was home, my husband was able to further his education and move on to greater opportunities in his career because I was in charge of our home and children. He has maybe taken one day off of work because I was too sick to care for the kids, but he’s never had to take a day off because one of the kids was sick. I have always been there. He also doesn’t have to worry about housework or meals after work because that lands on me, and then we have more family time during nights and weekends.
My husband and I got married when I was 21 years old and had our first baby when I was 24. We were babies ourselves, but I’m pretty certain we were up front on how we wanted to raise our future babies. I think because we had grown up together, started our lives together early on and had already been living off one income (saving mine for a house down payment), the decision was easier for me to stay home with our first baby. Then we moved out of state, and my husband traveled often, so it made me feel better knowing I was the stability of home and family for our kids while he was away. I was also able to care for them without having to juggle daycare, work and inevitable sick days on my own. I know we have been so fortunate to experience this lifestyle, and not everyone has this opportunity. But I also know people spend money on different things that matter to them. I also know that the baby stage is not everyone’s favorite part of parenthood as it was for me. If babies, toddlers and preschoolers aren’t your jam, being with them constantly may not be the best fit for you. There are daycares and teachers that actually do love being with children those ages!
“As I’ve met many moms throughout the last nine years of being a mom, I’ve realized that no single situation is the same. I’ve looked up to and admired so many perspectives of motherhood through the lenses of working moms, stay-at-home moms and work-from-home moms. Not one job is harder— being a mom is hard, period,” states Ferrera.
In the end, think of what will work best for your family, know that things can change and, as with all things in parenthood, trust your gut and enjoy!
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 10, Mason, 9, and Slade, 6, and has happily been a SAHM since bringing her first baby home. She is currently having a slight identity crisis now that a job she has loved has just ended, even though she doesn’t necessarily want to give it up.