After maternity leave is up, the decision to stay home or return to work can be a difficult one to make. Hopefully, you’ve had discussions throughout your pregnancy or even before, but when the parental leave ends, are you prepared to make that decision? Stereotypes and opinions abound, both supporting and dismissing either choice. So how do you decide and how do you embrace your choice? Here are a few things to consider.
Past and Future
Many decisions in our lives are affected by how we were raised, what was modeled to us and what we would like to mimic or shy away from in our own futures. If you were raised by a stay-at-home parent, perhaps you loved having your mom greet you when you got home from school to hear all about your day, or maybe you felt stifled and wondered what she did all day. If you were raised by parents who both worked outside the home, maybe you wished you could see them more often, or maybe you were proud of their work.
Your partner may have had a different experience growing up and different expectations now that vary from yours. Now you get to decide together what will be best for your own family and the future you plan together. This is a decision with many variables. Personally, I was always excited to become a mom, and I just assumed I would be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) until my hypothetical children went to school. I’m not exactly sure why because this wasn’t exactly modeled for me. Both of my grandmas were working mothers, and my own mom worked outside the home until my younger brother was born and she decided to run an in-home daycare. But having my mom home (but still working—can you imagine taking on more kids while adjusting to life with your own second baby?) was such a comforting part of my childhood, and that’s what I wanted for my future family.
Child Care Cost and Availability
One crucial variable is simply the cost and availability of child care. Depending on your jobs, your salaries may not cover, or barely be enough to afford, child care. If it’s a job you love and a career you’re committed to, it still may be worth it, but if it’s a job that doesn’t satisfy you, maybe this is an opportunity to provide your own child care while you figure out your next step. Consider the perspectives of some experienced moms:
Shannon Metcalf, mother of one, simply states, “Easy. No choice. Life is too expensive to not have both of us working.”
Lori Tate, mother of three, says, “For us, daycare for two kids was just as much as I was bringing home. I loved my job, so that was OK, but I felt like I was constantly doing both my job and parenting poorly and constantly running on empty. Staying home was an option, so we went that route.”
RaeLynn Kelso, mother of three, says, “I worked two to three days a week for a couple of years because I wanted to see my kids’ ‘firsts.’ When I had my third baby, I stayed home full time because I could not find a babysitter. My town is seriously lacking babysitters.”
Location
Where you live in the world can also be a factor in whether cost and availability make child care doable or not. There may be more options in a suburban area versus a more rural location, but then again, there may be more competition for availability as well. Depending on which type of child care you’re looking for, you may find more in-home daycares in a smaller city, but if you’d rather have a daycare center, that may not be an option in your current town. Location can also affect your lifestyle and expectations on how to raise a family. Keeping up with the Joneses can mean that you both want to work outside the home to afford better vehicles or go on more elaborate vacations, or it could mean that you want to be able to raise your children alongside nearby families and form a community within your neighborhood.
Benefits
On top of the cost of child care, benefits like health insurance factor in as well. Raising a family and “adulting” are challenging, and benefits can make a world of difference. Laura Loeffert, mother of three, says, “I had to go back to teaching when my first was 5 months old. I accepted it because I had to work for insurance. After insurance and child care, I made next to nothing. Then there was the feeling of not being a good mom, wife, teacher, co-worker—all of it. In April of that year, my husband switched jobs, and I was able to become a SAHM that May. I do not regret a second of it. I think because going back was so incredibly hard it made it easier to know I was making the right decision for me and my family.”
Careers
Many people have had their sights set on amazing careers on top of raising a family, so staying at home is never really even a consideration. If you have worked your tail off to get where you are, have ambitions on getting even further ahead in your field, or have studied far too long to not become what you set out to be, then returning to the workforce after welcoming a baby into your family isn’t going to stop you. There are plenty of wonderful daycares, babysitters and nannies that would love to help you care for your children because that is something they are passionate about, so it’s a win-win.
Jenny Berry, mother of three, says, “I decided to go back to work part time because I truly love my job and worked really hard at it. And it was important for me to have some part of myself still, something that drove me. Now, as my kids are getting older, it is important for me to show them balance, work ethic, determination and how to chase your dreams. And even though I struggle with guilt, I know that working outside the home makes me a better mom.”
Berry’s last statement is all that matters in the end, isn’t it?
Identity and Self-Worth
A big factor in motherhood is your sense of identity. The stereotypes for both SAHMs and working moms are unhelpful but can still linger in the backs of our minds regardless of how strongly we feel about either decision we make. Are we missing out on raising our children if we return to work? Are we wasting our education and careers if we stay at home? In the end, I believe we need to decide what makes us feel most like ourselves and who we want to become and helps us be the best version of ourselves for our children and families. If we love working, we should love that we love working. If we would love the chance to stay home and be with our children 24/7, then we should enjoy doing so if we are able to.
Personally, identity and self-worth have always been the hardest aspects of my more than a decade of experience as a SAHM. I used to loathe being asked, “What do you do?” at my husband’s office parties or just in general. I didn’t feel like I was doing enough. That may just be my personality because I like to accomplish things, but our culture often leans into messaging that makes it painful to think that I may have just “wasted” these last few years by being home and allowing for a stark break in my resume.
It was also challenging to not have any external recognition for what I was contributing to our family. There are no raises or advancements because you’re doing a good job, and sometimes the mundaneness is daunting. But this is where I strongly believe hobbies, support groups and side hustles come in for SAHMs so that we have interests to discuss besides our beloved cherubs. Running and exercise, writing, reading, photography, home projects and my dog all helped me feel like more than “just a mom.”
Amy Ferrera, mother of four, has a similar experience: “Now having four kids, I stay home because it’s what I know as my normal, financially works better for us (the human services field I would work in wouldn’t cover our child care costs), and before COVID, my husband’s travel schedule was all over the place, and his schedule didn’t allow for flexibility—making it easier for me to stay home while he worked. I won’t lie, I always have a back-of-the-mind thought of ‘Is this all I’m supposed to do? Did I go to college for nothing? Will my kids think I did anything?’ Sometimes I feel unaccomplished, jealous of my husband’s work recognition, or I find myself wanting a little slice of doing something for me outside of being a mom. But at the end of the day, for my family, I know being a stay-at-home mom has been a blessing for us even on the thankless days, and I wouldn’t change it if I could go back.”
Volunteering is another great way to feel fulfilled during your time as a SAHM. Volunteers are needed in many places and often invaluable for many organizations. Even small things like helping in your school-aged children’s classrooms is a great way to feel and be useful as well as find community with the staff at the school.
Work/Life Balance
We all know there are two sides to each coin and that the grass isn’t really always greener on the other side. There were many days I longed for office friendships, work lunches, grabbing a coffee and drinking it while hot, getting dressed up and completing projects and maybe even traveling for work. But then there were days I was thankful to be able to get a run in on a beautiful day with my kids, take them on field trips and watch them experience things for the first time. It seems like you can’t have your cake and eat it too, doesn’t it?
But I think we often end up where we are supposed to be, and we are all teaching our children what it means to be a woman and to have choices. It also takes a lot of teamwork and coordination to make a family work well. While I was home, my husband was able to further his education and move on to greater opportunities in his career because I was in charge of our home and children. He has maybe taken one day off work because I was too sick to care for the kids, but he’s never had to take a day off because one of the kids was sick. I have always been there. He also doesn’t have to worry about housework or meals after work because I take care of that, and then we have more family time during nights and weekends.
“We made the decision before getting pregnant. We planned for me to stay home, bought our house knowing we would pay for it with only one income (saved my salary while I was working to prepare), and that was hugely helpful,” says Heidi Murray mother of four.
Similarly, my husband and I got married when I was 21 years old and had our first baby when I was 24. We were babies ourselves, but we were up-front on how we wanted to raise our future family. I think because we had grown up together and started our lives together early on and had already been living off one income (saving mine for a down payment for a house), that made the decision easier for me to stay home with our first baby. Then we moved out of state, and my husband traveled often, so it made me feel better knowing I was the stability of home and family for our kids while he was away. I was also able to care for them without having to juggle daycare, work and inevitable sick days on my own.
I know we have been so fortunate to experience this lifestyle, and not everyone has this opportunity. But I also know people have different lifestyles and values and spend money on different things that matter to them. I also know that the baby stage is not everyone’s favorite part of parenthood, as it was for me. If babies, toddlers and preschoolers aren’t your jam, being with them constantly may not be the best fit for you. There are daycares and teachers that actually do love being with children those ages!
Fast forward to today, and my children are all older. I have done photography on the side, written articles and, for the past three years, have been a substitute teacher. It’s helpful to have my own things on top of being a mom, even if I am extremely grateful to have been able to accomplish my dream of being a SAHM. Our family also just runs better having me be the primary parent due to my husband’s extensive work travel. Even with all three of my kids in school, I’m responsible for drop-offs, pickups, doctor/dentist/orthodontist appointments, all the extracurricular practices and lessons, and sick days because my husband is often unable to help with these parenting tasks. It’s definitely a different kind of hard when I work a few days in a row and feel like I’m running around with my head cut off, but I think it’s also important for our kids to see that when Mom is busy working outside the home, they have to help pitch in more at home to make our family run efficiently.
Each family’s dynamic and activity levels are different too. Some families enjoy doing their own daily thing at work and school and have the rest of the evening and weekends for relaxing and catching up on household chores. Because our family enjoys being involved in various activities, running from sunrise to sunset (or later) many days, having a few hours built into my day at home to get the housework done and meals prepared benefits our family. For example, this Saturday, we have five games among our three kids! We enjoy all the games, but that takes away the weekends for picking up groceries and getting laundry done. Also, next year, I will have three separate schools for which to figure out drop-off and pickup logistics. Parenting in general is just a busy time of life!
“As I’ve met many moms throughout the last nine years of being a mom, I’ve realized that no one situation is the same. I’ve looked up to and admired so many perspectives of motherhood through the lenses of working moms, stay-at-home moms and work-from-home moms. Not one job is harder—being a mom is hard, period,” says Ferrera.
In the end, think of what will work best for your family, know that things can change and, as with all things in parenthood, trust your gut and enjoy!
Stephanie Loux is the mother of Layla, 14, Mason, 12, and Slade, 9, and has happily been a SAHM since bringing her first baby home. Nowadays, she’s primarily a content SAHM but adds in substitute teaching, photography and writing—between her Mommy Uber trips for her active kids—to help pay for all her kids’ activities.