There are 13 years between my oldest and my youngest, and it’s fair to say I’m a very different mom with my youngest than I was as a new mom to my oldest. Sometimes, I’d love to go back in time and impart the wisdom that’s come through experience, garnered from both wins and losses, to my young self. I realize that’s not reality and that if growth has transpired, then it’s not all been for naught. But if I could roll back the hands of time, these are some of the things I’d tell myself as a new mom.
Trust your mom gut.
As a first-time parent, I read everything I could get my hands on about taking care of a baby, sleeping techniques, parenting practices for raising toddlers and so many more topics. At the same time, social media was at its advent, and there was no shortage of parenting feeds full of advice, expert or otherwise. Although research made me feel prepared, I quickly realized that my children weren’t lab rats that were going to perform as a book promised. In fact, all my kids broke the mold! I also discovered that a lot of advice coming from parents in my season of life was overconfident and under-substantiated. In short, I learned that there’s no substitute for trusting my mom gut. No outside source, regardless the amount of higher education or specialized training, will ever supersede your deep know-how regarding your child. You are the expert of your little one! Navigating food allergies, speech delays, learning disabilities or giftedness, or complex social dynamics are areas where your intuition can tremendously benefit the outcome for your child. This doesn’t mean that outside help isn’t warranted or required. On the contrary, your intuitions may be the catalyst for seeking truly needed counsel.
You don’t really need it all.
I’ll admit it: I was a “stuff” person with my firstborn. When it came to building a registry, I figured the more items on it the merrier! There’s no denying it was fun to have every piece of a complete themed collection from bedding to bouncer, playmat to swing and more. I wanted to try all the things and see what was helpful and what was not. As the first grandchild on both sides of the family, our firstborn naturally got everything we ever dreamed of—times two! And learn we did! After the newness of baby gear wore off, I realized there were only a few tried and true items that made life easier. And with each subsequent child I had, I discovered we needed less and less. Some of my personal favorite items were sleep sacks (used instead of a blanket for added warmth), a soft wrap like a Boba for the first year and a structured baby carrier for thereafter, a comfortable arm chair with a reclining option in the nursery for nursing, cuddling and reading stories, and a travel system (a stroller equipped to secure a newborn car seat into it, which avoids unnecessarily waking up a little one to transfer him/her). Outside of that, I needed to calculate the cost of having items in my home that required upkeep, took up space and created visual clutter.
Battery operated toys aren’t all they’re cracked up to be
I could have saved myself a lot of money—and headache—if I had avoided purchasing battery operated toys right out of the gate. Why? For starters, all the noise that spews out of them doesn’t hold a baby’s attention. Second, some babies think the fun is in pushing all the buttons of all the toys all at the same time, which is sensory overload for everyone within earshot. Third, batteries are expensive, and electronic toys consume a ton of them. Our noisy toys “magically” disappeared over time or simply found themselves battery free. This process was further expedited after we had freak encounters with a toy going off in the middle of the night either by walking past it or turning the light on—the stuff of parenting horror stories! The one exception to that rule was a Winnie the Pooh push toy that my boys just loved. I told myself when the battery went out—which couldn’t possibly be that long, right?—I wouldn’t replace it. Of course, that toy spat out lights and music for over 13 years!
Be fully present
Initially, social media was a way to preserve memories and share my children’s milestones with friends and family. But it also became an escape from reality, a poor substitute for in-person relationships and a place where extremes became norms: Either bragging about kids’ accomplishments or tearing them down as a means of venting seemed to be the pervasive interweb trends. Over time, I didn’t like how social media was impacting me or my parenting. Worse yet, I realized it only after I’d already wasted far too much time in the abyss. Rather than regulate my usage, I cut it cold turkey in 2020. I haven’t looked back since. The peace I have in parenting my fourth-born, mainly due to the lack of noise coming in from my devices, has been refreshing. I only wish I had done it sooner.
Don’t wish it away
Having a baby is one of the biggest life changes you’ll ever experience. You’ll be exhausted in ways you didn’t think possible, and your body will leak and sag and operate much like a human science experiment. You’ll also love your little one instantly so much that it hurts, and you’ll desire his or her best at the expense of yourself. The hardest things are often the most rewarding. Naturally, we want the fruit of hardship without having to go through hard things altogether. When sleep deprived with a newborn, it’s only natural to wish time were to pass more quickly until the baby were sleeping through the night. After 15 years of parenting, I’ve learned a very simple truth: There is no easy stage in parenting. It’s all hard to varying degrees. If you’re not up in the middle of the night with a newborn, you might be consoling a little one with bad dreams, helping an older child who’s gotten sick in the middle of the night, or staying up past your own bedtime to give space for your teenager to pour out his heart and dreams. Interspersed throughout it all are also sweet memories that will be as precious as they are fleeting. Don’t wish away the hard times or you’ll miss out on the best within those times. (Oh, and eventually they do learn to sleep through the night!).
Lauren Greenlee is an Olathe boymom of four amazing boys ranging in age from toddler to teenagers.