If there’s one universal problem that all parents face, it’s getting their children to listen—the first time. We battle this never-ending war from the time they are toddlers through pre-teens. It doesn’t matter how many times we say it, the different tones of voice we use, the privileges we revoke, or the endless threats we make. Nothing seems to get through to them. Do they even hear us?
Teaching your children how to listen is a process that requires communication and consistency, which weighs heavily on you as the parent. In order for your children to listen the first time, you must help them nurture the practice of listening, and that starts by acknowledging how you talk to them.
Stay calm. It is important to stay calm yet firm while talking with your child. Speak in a direct and neutral voice when asking them to complete a task.
Be positive. Instead of using negative words such as: no, don’t, stop or quit, try phrasing your command in a positive light. Cyndi Mawhiney, director of Aldersgate Preschool in Olathe, uses the positive discipline approach when addressing her students. “When we say, ‘Don’t run,’ children tend to focus on the end of the statement, so they are apt to hear, ‘Run.’ Rephrase by asking, ‘Can you please use walking feet?’”
Command with one word. It’s mind-numbing to repeat the same phrase over and over again. And at some point, our kids tune us out. Use one-word commands such as “teeth” or “shoes” instead of “will you please find your shoes and put them on” or “you have to brush your teeth before you go to bed.” If you use too many words, it weakens the message.
Assign age-appropriate tasks. Ensure the commands you are giving are developmentally and physically appropriate for your child’s age. Younger toddlers and preschoolers might have a hard time remembering more than one task and could struggle with a multiple-step command.
Be direct. When setting an expectation for your child, be physically present. Instead of yelling across the room or house, get on the child’s level and make direct eye contact. This will also teach your child how to focus.
Don’t repeat. If you are not acknowledged the first time, then you don’t have the child’s attention. Go back to the above step; don’t repeat yourself.
Repeat it back. To ensure that you have been heard, have kids repeat back what you are asking. “After asking my daughter to do something, I make sure she heard me by having her repeat what I just said to her,” says Abbey Lynch, Overland Park.
Begin with “I want.” Starting your instructions out with “I want” makes it sound less like a command and more like a request. This will appeal to children who want to please and have a hard time taking orders.
Address your child. Use your child’s name when asking him to complete a task. “Avery, can you please….”
Praise them. When children do complete your requests, acknowledge their efforts. Take time to thank them for following instructions and explain how much it means to you that they listen.
When and then. Try implementing “when and then” in your dialogue. “When you take a nap, then you can use the iPad.” “When your room is clean, then you can have ice cream.” Substituting the word “if” for “when” shows your child that he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. “I have just started using the terms ‘when and then,’ and it has made a huge difference in the way my son reacts to my requests,” says Christi Austin, Gardner.
Pick your battles. No one wants to be a nagging parent, and your child doesn’t want every interaction with you to be an obligation. Balance out your requests with lots of love, laughter and silliness.
Jennifer Duxbury is a SAHM from Olathe who struggles daily to get her spirited 4-year-old to listen!