When babies are born, they rely on their parents and other caregivers to solve their most basic problems. When they are hungry, someone feeds them; when they are wet, someone changes them.
But as babies grow up, their problems become more complicated. Parents don’t like to see their children struggling or hurting, so their inclination may be to step in to “fix” the problems their kids are facing. But what happens when parents continually solve their children’s problems?
Erosion of a child’s self-confidence and delayed development of problem solving skills can both result from an environment where adults repeatedly solve kids’ problems. A child might also blame the parent if the solution is not successful.
So how can parents help children be responsible for solving their own problems, while still providing the support they need?
Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child and Lost at School, recommends the three-step collaborative problem solving approach, in which parents empathize with the child, help him define the problem and invite him to come up with possible solutions.
Because problems vary with age, a parent’s involvement also varies.
Birth to preschool
What problems could children this age possibly have? Although they may not seem like huge predicaments to us, how to build a tower that doesn’t fall over and how to put on their shoes are very real problems for little tykes.
Parents can encourage the development of problem solving skills by letting young children have plenty of unstructured play time. Blocks, puzzles and shape-sorters all provide challenges and help kids use trial and error to figure out the best solution.
Encourage your child and provide praise when she figures something out. Rather than simply saying “nice job,” describe what she did to solve a problem: “I like how you used the rectangle block to make a bridge.”
If she becomes overly frustrated, ask open-ended questions to guide her: “What would happen if…”
Preschool to early elementary school
Problems at this age often revolve around transitioning to school life, fighting over objects and not getting their way.
Martha Rodgers, kindergarten teacher at Cambridge Elementary in Belton, says that children start school with different levels of conflict resolution competency, and daily practice of the skill is necessary.
“To give a child the resolution to a problem is not in the best interest of the child. The art of questioning is the best way for a child to understand the problem and the possible solutions based on their knowledge of the situation. Let the child tell you what a good idea would be to resolve the problem.”
Martha adds that additional questioning will be required to have the child understand the cause and effect of their actions and reasoning.
Early elementary to early teens
“Hannah told me I can’t come to the sleepover!”
“I accidentally broke Josh’s pencil and he said he hates me!”
Sound familiar? Problems at this age often revolve around social issues, such as fights with friends or feeling left out of a group.
Overland Park mom Nancy Rhomberg says her husband, Tom, is a calm negotiator who helps their three children think of different options to problems.
“He makes them think of the outcome of their choices. He's very good at helping them figure things out,” she says.
Invite your child to identify the problem and come up with a list of solutions (writing them down is a helpful way to organize). Go over each one and ask him to talk about the possible outcome of each one. Ask what he thinks is the best solution and talk about plans to put each into action. Even if it’s not the solution you would use, let him try it.
Tisha Foley and her husband raise their two problem solvers in Belton.