Whether your child is shy or a real outgoing talker, your encouragement is key
Making friends is one of the best things about attending school, from preschool on. Naturally, children gravitate toward certain personalities they find appealing. For example, if your locker partner likes sports as you do, you might forge ahead and be friends for life. Or, if you’re sitting at your lunch table and notice someone else has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich exactly like yours, you may laugh over it together.
Sometimes, though, we parents may have to give a little nudge, such as when the family moves to a new city or school. When we moved away from Kansas City to our new home in the suburbs, I actually held onto friends from that city neighborhood and even drove my kiddos to the preschool a half-hour away because I wanted them to have the same teachers!
When I finally relented and made the move in my own mind, I called upon a local puppeteer, Paul Mesner, and he came and put on a show in our new living room. I invited all the neighbor kids, which involved knocking on doors and meeting other parents. This was a great way to put kids together in a fun setting before they got on the school bus together. All those children are still friends with my now-grown son and daughter, and the moms I connected with remain my friends today. We actually called ourselves the Ya-Ya Sisters back then! Seeing us be friends to each other rubbed off on my kids, and they rode bikes, had birthday parties and swam in our neighborhood pool together with all those who attended that introductory puppet show!
Getting children to relax and open up is the key. A birthday party for our two dogs is another way I brought kids together. The guests all brought their dogs, and we had a baby pool full of water and even a doggie birthday cake.
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that, “making friends is one of the most important missions of middle childhood, a social skill that will endure throughout their lives.”
Friendships help children develop emotionally and morally and boost social skills. Kids learn to communicate with others, and healthy friendships can be instrumental in helping them learn to control their emotions and express their feelings constructively. There is even research that indicates having these types of friendships may help deter bullies, and when bullying does happen, positive friendships may provide a protective barrier. Good friends can teach kids how to collaborate with others.
Some children do struggle socially and have trouble making and keeping friends. There are many ways you can help them navigate their social world and build high quality friendships.
If you are not sure whether your child has friends, talk to his teachers and learn how he interacts with other kids at school. You can ask your child about his friendships to get a better idea of how well he’s making friends.
Not every child is gifted at making friends, and that is OK. Making and keeping friends is a skill that can be learned, and with a little effort, bravery and patience, your child will soon have a buddy or two to spend time with.
Being on a sports team or taking dance class together brings like-minded kids together. When they are participating in the same things, friendships often result. Remember not to overschedule an introverted child, though.
Foster communication skills. From taking turns while talking to asking questions about others, learning how to start and maintain conversations with others is a skill your child will need to refine. Until kids learn how to naturally take cues from others when having a conversation, equip them with questions they can ask, such as, “What do you do for fun?” or “Do you have any pets?”
You can also use television shows as illustrations of how people have friendly conversations. Point out things like body language, tone of voice and pauses in conversation. Role-playing conversations can help children get the practice they need.
Teach kindness. Your child could make cookies for a friend whose pet is sick or send a card to someone who lost a loved one. And, as mentioned before, when kids are engaged in groups or activities that are exciting and interesting to them, the pressure to meet and talk with other new people is minimized. Not only are doing something they like to do, they are surrounded by other people who feel the same way they do.
If your child continues to struggle with making friends, try observing what happens when she interacts with other kids. Is she too bossy, clingy, aggressive, aloof, touchy or simply too shy to build friendships? If your child seems to annoy other kids, you can help her identify why. Be sure not to shame your child or make her feel bad for who she is. Just explain that she may want to find other ways to connect with the friend.
Having trouble with friendships can also be a sign of depression, a learning disability, stress or even bullying. Not being able to make and keep friends can be an important clue that your child needs help from a medical professional. Your pediatrician, a child psychologist or counselor are good resources.
Learn to identify who is a good friend and who might not have your child’s interest at heart. Having this skill can end up saving a lot of heartache in the end and help kids find the right friends for them.
The book The House at Pooh Corner, written by A.A. Milne, is a great way to share with your young child the meaning of friendship:
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.“Pooh!” he whispered.“Yes, Piglet?”“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
An avid outdoors girl, Judy Goppert lives in Lee’s Summit. She enjoys drawing her personal experiences to write about the nuances of everything wonderful about life.
Sources: VeryWellFamily.com, GoodReads.com.