What strikes fear in your heart? Heights? Spiders? Flying in planes? Those are some obvious fears. Some we don’t often think of, though, are ones that live every day in the backs of our heads: fear of failure, being alone, being out of our comfort zone, trying new things or just the unknown. Sometimes they aren’t a big deal, but when it comes to helping our kids work through their own fears and overcome them, we parents have to model the start.
Our fears are either rational or irrational. Rational fear is being afraid of something that could cause physical harm or worse. Irrational fears are those things in our head that we tend to make up in order to protect ourselves. We are afraid of letting our kids do something because we don’t want to see them fail, get hurt or struggle with something. We project our fears on them. For instance, this week I signed my son up for an activity last minute because I wanted to make sure he had a friend to be there with him. I didn’t hear back from our friend in enough time to confirm their family was also doing this activity, and I signed him up anyway. I panicked a bit and considered pulling him out when I got confirmation they wouldn’t be joining. I hesitated to cancel long enough, though, to realize he would be fine. It would be good for him to go on his own and see that he could handle it. It was my own fear that almost held him back. As it turns out, he went alone and did great. I was making issues up for him so that I didn’t have to worry about how he handled it. I’ve found my boys to be quite fearless when it comes to doing things.
Depending on the age and the stage of the child, many fears come internally. On the other hand, fears sometimes arise from external sources: something kids see somewhere, hear from an adult or even experience themselves. Sometimes, they just don’t understand things. I’ve found quite shocking the way kids process events and emotions they can’t yet understand—why they felt the way they did when someone reacted to them. Or how they felt when having to answer a question or present something in front of a crowd. The truth is, children still feel all the anxiousness and emotion of those experiences but sometimes get brushed off and end up in trouble for being upset. Upsetting experiences call for an open conversation. Ask kids what happened to them and how they felt, then help them interpret the experience as you explain what happened. The more we can help them connect those dots and understand what is going on in their minds and emotions, the more we can help them work through things.
One thing I’ve had to do myself and with my kids is to talk about the outcome. We get so wrapped up in what could happen that we let fear take over before we have a chance to see something through. Talk through something before it happens. If children are anything like many adults, they make a bigger deal out of a potential problem than what will really unfold. Go through and form a visual of what could happen and show kids that even if things don’t go as they want, it will be okay. One of the biggest, yet hardest, ways to help kids (and ourselves) get past fears is to face them. We have to experience that something isn’t as bad as we thought it would be.
Often, if we can do the thing we’re afraid of a couple times, some awesome things happen:
- We learn we can face the fear.
- We discover that though it’s hard to face fears, we can do the hard things.
3. Our confidence builds for the next time we are afraid.
4. We learn to handle fear instead of run from it. Great life lesson!
So you might wonder how to move forward. My first step is always to help prepare my kids. Many times, we fear things because we don’t do enough preparation. This is true for a sporting event, a test, an extracurricular activity—most anything. The more we practice for something and do as much preparation as we possibly can, the more we set ourselves up for success. In life, outcomes are not always positive, but children can learn the confident mindset that though some things are not in their control, they can do everything they can to prepare.
This also means supporting kids however you can. Doing scary things gets lonely, even if you are surrounded by people. We come up with all sorts of scenarios of ways it will go wrong or things that will happen. I know when I’m getting ready to go do something new or travel a lot, the main event doesn’t scare me. The journey is what scares me the most. Find a way to offer children support as they learn to do these things and be independent.
At the end of the day, kids have to learn to do things that scare them a little. Sometimes that means joining a group or taking a class for the first time, even when they don’t know what the experience will be like. One tactic is to offer your child a reward. It doesn’t have to be some big reward—I love to offer my kids experiences. Most of the time, though, I try to let them choose the prize because when they choose, they usually work harder and do the hard and scary thing. They need to learn that doing those hard and scary things is not so bad and that they will live to talk about it. I’ve learned that my kids need to realize they can do those things and they will be okay. They need to develop the mindset that they can conquer the fearfulness.
Overcoming fears is a challenge that so many adults struggle with. I try my best to lead by example and show my kids that vulnerability. I try to let them know that when something scares me and I’m nervous about it, I’ll still try to do it. The more they see we parents actively do the things that scare us, the more they learn that they will make it through, too.
Lauren Dreher lives in Stilwell with her husband and two toddlers.