Years ago I stumbled upon a powerful book titled Parent Talk, written by Chick Moorman. Moorman’s wise teaching helps parents build kids’ self-esteem through language. The small shifts in how we communicate with children encourage responsibility too. Because of the book’s simple format—a short few pages highlighting each point, interspersed with funny cartoons—you easily can understand and take away great ideas in a few minutes. This makes learning quick and easy for busy parents.
A golden tip my husband and I have used countless times is when our kids ask, “Do you think I can do this?” We don’t answer, “Yep. That’s easy,” or “Nah. That’s too hard.” We learned if we judge a task, we already have decided the quality of the experience. If we tell our kids it’s easy, and they try to pull themselves along the monkey bars, they can't give themselves a lot of credit for completing the task. We already told them it was easy. We’ve taken away part of what they might gain in terms of empowerment and confidence. On the flip side, if we decide it’s easy for them, and they can’t do it, they may feel their own disappointment and also feel we are disappointed too. After all, they failed to do something we told them was easy. And if we classify something as too hard, we could be setting them up for choices they may not have made themselves.
We might ask ourselves at this point whether a statement like “that’s easy” or “that’s hard” could impact a child negatively. How can we navigate a day, let alone a lifetime, of talking to our kids? What I’ve learned using bits and pieces of advice from this book over the years, is that shifting some of my language is relatively easy, because empowering language feels good. When I use this type of language, it takes me out of the equation and gives my kids the power to decide things for themselves. I’ve also noticed the shifts come easily because the language of parenting has many repeated phrases (sometimes to our chagrin). We don’t have to put all language under the microscope, but the results of a few changes yield big impact.
Instead of saying that something is easy or hard, Moorman suggests saying, “I think you're ready.” This statement gives children room to move in the language. In this case, if they fall off the monkey bars they might say, “I wasn't ready for that.” They learn what many adults know: Timing is important. And if they nail it, they get the credit. They can find their own place in the experience. Language like this also frees parents from constantly deciding things for their children. You end up using language that supports their potential.
My husband and I have taken this particular piece of language one step further. We tell our girls, that when they are ready they will stick their heads under water or take the big hill on that sled. “You'll do it when you're ready” doesn't mean “Don't bother with that task.” We're telling our kids they don't have to sweat it or have a rotten time. If they have the gumption, or sometimes when they see their friends accomplishing the task, they will make it happen.
Our oldest often has been more of an observer. She’s typically not one to try something first. We’ve all really benefited from the “when you’re ready” soundbite over the years as we’ve let her decide timing for herself. We’ve found she comes back around to most things and has pushed herself farther than we ever dreamed in some realms. She’s the one who, at age 12, lived overseas for five weeks without family. This has proven to us that kids are ready when they’re ready.
Another amazing language tip from the book is to ask your child, “What do you attribute that to?” This question helps children think about the connection between their efforts and the results they get. The question gets them on the road to self-discovery through analyzing the things they like, the things at which they excel or don’t excel and how they might start to make small changes that get steady results. This question gives us the groundwork as a family to help our kids begin to alter some patterns they’ll need in place to become responsible adults. Applying the simple lens of observation allows a person to do all this.
If our child receives a great test grade, we can ask first what she attributes it to. Then to help her zero in and learn to ask meaningful questions, we might offer, “Did you study more each night? Have you been re-reading your notes? Did you spend time getting help when you needed it from the teacher?” If a child has a particularly great weekend, we ask first what she attributes that to. If she just shrugs her shoulders, we can teach her how to ask the questions that get answers. “Is it because you got more sleep? Is it because you did your homework before Sunday evening? Maybe you got to lounge around or spend more time with friends?”
These lines of inquiry are helpful to parents as well, because we can steer our kids to reach conclusions they can be reminded of later. If they are part of the dialogue, we can say, “Your best grades come when you reread your notes, right? That’s what you decided last time you got an A.” Or when Saturday morning rolls around, we can say, “You love your weekends most when you first get your homework done and then watch TV.” It's in these rather easy assessments that our kids get to see and know themselves better and begin to feel how they can connect to life’s routines and joys in a repeatable, satisfying way. We can’t do the work for them, but if we help them identify their tendencies in any situation, even if it takes our persistence and much patience—and even if they resist because some humans are very good at resisting—they ultimately will benefit from these observations.
This ability as parents to shift language in small ways for big results makes a worthwhile investment. We so often use words without thinking through their effect and repeat phrases out of habit. Moorman’s Parent Talk gives parents great examples of how to break these habits by suggesting more empowering and, ultimately, easy-to-use alternatives. We haven’t used all of the book’s tips but have gravitated to ones that seem most helpful in our family. When my husband and I made a few of these language shifts early on, we heard our girls repeating them back in situations that meant they understood the language completely. That was when we really knew this type of language could help strengthen a child’s life.
Maggie Uhl lives in Waldo with her husband and two daughters.