“She took my crayon!” “He’s looking at me funny!” Sound familiar? Every child will test the waters when it comes to tattling. It can quickly become a highly annoying habit to parent, but the silver lining is that your child is expressing his/her moral code through this behavior. With a little patience and teaching, your tattletale can transform into an independent problem solver in due time.
Tattling vs. Telling
Paula Henderson, Kansas counselor of the year from the DeSoto school district suggests educating children on the difference between tattling and telling. “The first thing to do is change the wording. Substitute the word “telling” for “reporting” for a clearer distinction.” Henderson presents different scenarios for her students to practice identifying what would be tattling versus reporting. Here are some points to touch upon when teaching the differences to your child.
Education is prevention. Discussion, role play and teachable moments are great ways to help your child get a grip on tattling versus reporting.
Reacting and Responding
When your goal is to move your child away from the tattletale behavior, it is important not to go into “automatic rescue” mode after a minor incident is brought to you. If you punish the child being told on, you are reinforcing the tattling behavior. Try to resist the quick fix and invest in a teachable moment with your child.
It is important to listen to children who are tattling. You want to encourage communication and acknowledge feelings without reinforcing the behavior. Christine Perlinger, local daycare provider of 15 years and mother of four, suggests empathizing with children using simple responses. For example, your child might tell you, “Mom, he told me I couldn’t play with his cars.” Respond with a statement such as “I’m sorry to hear that. I know it’s frustrating when people won’t share with you.” Perlinger says, “Sometimes that simple acknowledgement is all they need.”
Love and Logic Parenting has three other great tips on how to redirect your tattletale. (www.LoveAndLogic.com)
- Empowerment: Give the power back to the child by responding with a question of “What can you do about that?”
- Offer a choice: “Do you want to keep playing with him or try another activity?”
- Energy drain technique: "Oh man, listening to tattling drains my energy! I need that energy for our fun activity later tonight."
Provide Strategies
Providing strategies for your child enables him to practice independent problem solving. When he is presented with a conflict, give him some different choices of strategies to fall back on before going to an adult.
First of all, kids need to determine whether sharing the conflict would be a tattle or a report. They should ask themselves “Is this hurtful or harmful to something or someone?” If the answer is yes, they need to report to an adult. If the answer is no, have some strategies in place for them to turn to.
*Draw a picture or write about the event that bothers you.
*A popular strategy used in schools is called DEBUG. Use this acronym to give your child five steps before asking for help.
D-Decide to ignore
E-Exit, walk away
B-Be friendly, use friendly words
U-Use firm talk, no yelling
G-get adult help
Remind them to try all the steps in order before asking for help. Hopefully one will resolve the issue for them.
*Coach them with assertive, yet non-confrontational phrases like, "I don't like it when you do that. I'm going to play with someone else."
Hopefully, these strategies will minimize the tattletale phase in your house.
Amanda Doll has heard a few tattles in her 10 years of teaching, and she is prepared when her own two boys are old enough to give tattling vs. reporting a try. Amanda and her husband reside in Lenexa with their two young sons.