Dot Dots, Carwash, Crackerdy and Ren … not the names of celebrity dogs or children, but of invisible companions to a few local Kansas City kids. Some of these imaginary friends take human form, blue-haired Carwash for example, or some as a hippo (Crackerdy). Whatever the shape, size and appearance, they are sure to entertain…and from time to time maybe even cause a little trouble.
“My son Cadyn informed me that he has a friend named Dot Dots who lives in London,” says Jefferson City mom Blair Howell. “How he even knows where London is, is beyond me.”
North Kansas City mom, Missi Rasmussen, has a daughter, Morgan, whose imaginary friend assumes the form of a mouse and lives in the palm of her hand. Most of my exposure to imaginary friends has been of the funny and cute variety, similar to those belonging to Cadyn and Morgan. Therefore, when my 3-year-old Laura informed me one morning that her imaginary friend, Shaker, came to see her in the night and “shook her while she was sleeping,” I was just a tad freaked out.
Shaker arrived just around the time that Dad left town to start a new job, so although mildly concerned with Laura’s spooky imaginary buddy, I figured it was probably her way of sorting out her Dad’s absence. A couple months, many bedtime fits and uninterrupted nights of sleep later, Shaker sightings at the Davis house had me wanting to shake Shaker right out of town, or at least reality. I decided it was time to do a little imaginary-friend investigation. I began by seeking help from Laura Probasco, a child therapist at Clinical Counseling Associates in Liberty, MO.
To understand why a child might introduce an imaginary friend into his world and your family, it is helpful to consider certain stages of child development. Probasco explains this in terms of children’s “mastering developmental stages, transitioning from concrete thinking into abstract thinking.” This transition can occur anywhere between the ages of 3 and 7 and is particularly common for kindergarten-aged kids.
“Some research suggests that even children as young as 2 1/2 may have an imaginary friend,” Probasco says, “but this would be rare.”
When children enter the realm of abstract thinking, their imaginations take off—thus Shaker makes his introduction. In addition to developmental circumstances, there are additional factors that play into a child’s adoption of an imaginary friend.
“Transitions, moves, divorce and really any of life’s stressors can be cause for a child having an imaginary friend,” Probasco says. “At this age range and stage, most decisions are being made for a child. An imaginary friend can be a way for children to feel in control.” Probasco gives an example: A child’s having a puppy he can talk to, or that talks back to him, gives him a sense that he is in control.
But what do you do when the puppy or, in my case, Shaker, isn’t the kind of friend you want to put in the palm of your hand, let alone run free in your child’s imagination? Probasco explains that an imaginary friend is more or less a direct representation of whatever the child is feeling. In my Laura’s case, the fact that Shaker causes her fear or is scary, is like a billboard reading, “Hey, Mom, I’m afraid about Dad being gone and having to move into a new house.”
“Overcompensating for her fear can often be a reason for a child having an imaginary friend who is scary to her,” Probasco says. “New research suggests that imaginary friends correlate more with the strengths of children in displaying and understanding their emotions.”
Imaginary friends are a healthy way not only for kids to express their feelings, but also to let them foster creativity. “As long as the imaginary friend follows the rules and values of the family, then it’s okay to encourage your child,” Probasco says. Tea parties, extra place settings at the table and other playtime activities are a few examples. Kansas City mom Gina Klein used to tuck Carwash into bed with her daughter, Abby.
There are, of course, limitations in accommodating a child’s imaginary friend. “If we’re running 30 minutes late to church because our child’s imaginary friend is still in the bathroom,” Probasco says, “then it might be time to set down some rules.”
All in all, there is not much cause for concern when it comes to a child’s having an imaginary buddy. “If we are still doing imaginary friends at age 9 or 10, with no other social network,” Probasco says, “we need to look at why.” Probasco elaborates that an imaginary friend alone, without additional contributing factors like aggressive, antisocial or other extreme behavior, does not indicate mental illness, nor is it cause for major concern.
Eventually, even the most stubborn, irritating or bizarre imaginary friend will fall to the wayside with each developmental stride of a child. Olathe mom Jaime Matavi’s son, Joseph, recently told his mom that his imaginary friend Ren died. As for Shaker, I regret to report he is still alive and kicking, but with the help of Angie Angel, is not as disturbing as of late. Maybe if we can convince Shaker to attend a few genteel daytime tea parties, we might just civilize him…or at least put up with him until he, too, finds himself falling to the wayside.
Guidelines for Imaginary Friends That Misbehave
- Set up “imaginary friend rules” together with your child—Shaker can only visit during daytime hours, Crackerdy Hippo only has 5-minute potty breaks and Ren is not allowed to pick fights.
- Have your child invite her imaginary friend for tea time, picnics or playtime during the day to prevent her from being scared at night.
- Help your child invent a positive imaginary friend to counteract the scary or negative one. In our house, Angie Angel helps Shaker find a better attitude.
Erin Davis resides in the Northland and is a freelance writer and chaser of twins and a toddler.