Consistency is a critical component to good parenting. By instituting rhythms to your days, as well as responding similarly to conflict or bad behavior, you assure a child that certain factors in life are dependable. Making a concerted choice to remain calm, cool and collected when speaking to your child is an investment in your relationship that can help greatly with building emotional bonds. Likewise, providing structure and routine helps children process information and determine how to implement it within the given boundaries.
And believe it or not, consistency is just as important for parents. Establishing your ground rules gives you freedom to rest within them. With consistent boundaries in place, you can refer to your own guidelines for appropriate discipline and household management, avoiding the mistake of making overly harsh or rash decisions in the heat of the moment. Everyone wins when a sense of order prevails in their days and relationships.
How to Be Consistent (Especially When You’re Not)
Two factors often plague parents as they try to establish consistency for their families. The first is a feeling of failure before the job has even begun. For a parent with a Type B personality, the goal of consistency may seem unachievable because to-do lists and personal planners aren’t even personally appealing, let alone translatable to imposing on others. Just how can you enforce a routine on a child if you can’t even manage one for yourself? On the other side of the spectrum is the highly-organized individual who loves having systems and personal goals in place but struggles to translate that into something that isn’t overwhelming for the rest of the crew. The only thing worse than no sense of order to your day is having a meticulous plan that’s not realistic for the life that your family leads! Thankfully, both can be remedied.
Being consistent doesn’t mean you have to be governed by the clock. Instead, it can be as simple as establishing a rhythm that works best for you. An afternoon routine might solely consist of a quiet hour when your kids come home from school, a time where they can relax by reading, taking a nap or listening to an audiobook in their room. Nighttime routines can be as simple as brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, reading a book and singing a song before lights out. Sometimes a visual reminder, such as a picture chart on the fridge, can help a child process what activity comes next. Habits take time to build—it’s said to take close to a month to form new ones and only three days to break them—so be gracious with your children and yourself if you find yourselves in the early stages of building or revamping a routine.
Consistency in Discipline
Nothing is more confusing to a child than inconsistency in discipline. If one day Mom yells at an infraction and another day she gives it a free pass, a kid is left wondering what’s acceptable and what’s not. This uncertainty can produce several challenging behaviors in children, ranging from passivity to aggression. For others, a lack of predictability can cause extreme anxiety. Being consistent with consequences and boundaries is assuring to children because it lets them know what they can expect. That doesn’t mean your little cutie won’t test your boundaries. In fact, many times kids push and prod to see whether Mom or Dad will cave. But when testing is met with loving firmness, kids feel a sense of safety and reassurance. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page when you establish your ground rules for family life and put those values on display so both you and your children can refer to them when a situation arises. Having a chart with consequences for certain behavior means your kids will quickly know what to expect in your home, so you’re not left to fumble for a response in the heat of the moment.
Parenting is hard work, and oftentimes, expediency trumps predictability. If you want a child to clean his room and he balks at it, it’s easier to clean it up yourself than to train him to persevere until the job is finished. Being consistent requires more of your time and energy initially, but the effort is an investment in your child’s character formation. That investment pays dividends into your relationship, which will strengthen as he grows and matures. And ultimately, it will build confidence and security in a child to do what’s right, whether you are there or not.
Consistency Produces Freedom
Allowing kids to make choices and gain independence is an integral part of a healthy childhood. When you or other caregivers (such as grandparents or babysitters) are inconsistent with the amount of freedom you give, kids can get confused, and a power struggle can ensue. Make sure you maintain an open line of communication with other caregivers so you all remain consistent with the amount of liberty you give. For instance, when homework needs doing might not be up for negotiation but choosing which subject to tackle first can be up for grabs. Other choices include picking out what to wear, choosing a snack or deciding which book to read at night. Similarly, giving children input in how they would like to contribute to family chores helps everyone out. If chores are put on rotation, hold a family meeting and discuss who would like to feed the dog, take out the trash or vacuum the bedrooms next. Being able to have some degree of autonomy within a secure framework produces happy, healthy kids.
Lauren Greenlee is a boy mom hailing from Olathe. She falls into the selective type-A camp—a personality that loves lists and planners but equally cherishes the freedom to go on an adventure at a whim.