No matter what your situation, chances are you can probably relate to a scenario like this: Short on time, you've skipped the gym, and are preparing for a work presentation when your church leaves a message asking you to chair a committee. This reminds you that need to think of and buy a classroom gift for your daughter's teacher. Later, tired and relieved you've nearly completed your to-do list, you remember the envelopes you promised the PTA you'd stuff by tomorrow. It's no wonder you might snap at your family, mumble under your breath with every envelope grudgingly stuffed and wonder how on earth you got here. Experts say you should remember your frustration the next time you receive a request for your time.
Over Committing Has Consequences
Women are notoriously selflessly available to our families, friends, work and communities. But rarely do we care for ourselves with the same intensity. Sure, the community needs volunteers and most requests fill a legitimate need, but if you find that because of your inability to say no you haven't been to the dentist in a few years and are making payments on a gym membership you never use, you're probably over committing. You may not even realize that over saying yes can mean saying no to the things you really care about. It can also cause stress which contributes to low self esteem, depression, and even health problems like migraines, ulcers and a compromised immune system.
Carefully Evaluate Requests For Your Time
Pamela Peeke, M.D., author of Body For Life For Women , (Rodale Press) says women need to learn to prioritize and avoid what she calls helium hand, -- your hand automatically goes up every time there is a request for volunteers. To avoid this, she says, carefully define your top priorities and evaluate all requests against them. A PTA meeting to discuss planting flowers around the cafeteria doesnt really bring you closer to your priority of spending more quality time with your children.
It's also helpful to seek out volunteer opportunities that align with your priorities, says Natalie Gahrmann, author of Succeeding As A Super Busy Parent (Infinity Publishing). If spending time with your child is a priority, agree to be a story or home room mom. If using your skills to get noticed for possible future job prospects is important to you, consider highly visible positions like serving on a board. If you're creative, it may be easier and less time consuming for you to write the community newsletter than to be the treasurer.
Be conscious of any tendency to automatically say yes to every request. If it's fueled by your desire to be needed and appreciated, ask for more recognition from your family, colleagues and friends and pay attention when they give it- whether it is a hand picked bouquet of wilted wildflowers from your preschooler or a pat on the back from a coworker-- maybe they've been trying to say thank you, but you've been running around so much you didn't hear.
How to Compromise or Say No When Your Plate is Already Full
If you find yourself faced with requests you find worthwhile, but conflicting with plans already in place, consider alternatives, says life coach Karen Wright, of Parachute Executive Coaching. If you are asked at the last minute to make muffins for a teacher's appreciation breakfast but intended to watch the video of your daughter's dance recital with your family, don't hesitate to buy the muffins on the way to school instead of shortchanging your daughter and feeling put upon while measuring flour.
What if you've carefully evaluated a request and decided it just doesn't work for you right now? Simply state the same, without guilt or over explaining or apologizing. "Saying no is not impolite or disrespectful," reassures Wright , "it's being honest about your priorities." Dr. Peeke says that a simple I'm so sorry, but that doesn't work for me right now. Maybe next time. is really all that is needed. If you're uncomfortable with being direct, consider using humor: Are you kidding? My husband will divorce me if he has to fly solo another night this week.
The Importance of Taking Time for Your Own Priorities
Experts agree that valuing your own time is by no means selfish and actually makes you a better parent, employee and spouse. By fulfilling your own needs, you'll be more cheerful and focused. You'll have the time and energy to be fully present for the tasks you chose to take on. Tracy Lyn Moland, author of Mom Management: Managing Mom Before Everybody Else (Gift of Time) explains "an energized, confident mother with a strong sense of purpose, balance and priorities sets an example for her children and those around her."
Think about it. If you're constantly answering your child's pleas for attention with, "In a minute, honey," or "After I'm done with this," while completing everyone else's requests, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate. You're probably volunteering because you want your children to have a wonderful, rich experience during their school years, so look closely at your schedule and make sure you're allowing enough of yourself so you're giving them exactly that.
Tips To Avoid Becoming Over Committed
- Meet your physical needs first. Enough sleep, eating right and finding time to exercise are essential.
- Request time to check your calendar before committing. Then ask yourself if you can comfortably complete and be enthusiastic about the request.
- Generally overestimate the amount of time a task should take and then ask yourself if you're still willing to do it.
- Whether you accept or decline a request, define what you intend to do in the future: I'm swamped right now, but will be less busy for the fall festival; I can help set up, but I need to leave by 11:00; I'm home room mom this year and am completely swamped with that.
- Consciously fill time you would normally spend over committing to your own self care. Once you internalize that, saying no could mean going to the gym or taking a long walk, it becomes easier.
- Make a list of all the things for which you intend to volunteer and the things for which you already have. Realize that you've volunteered before and will again.
- Speak up if you're not being utilized effectively. Discussing colors of class t-shirts for half an hour wastes everyone's time. Dont be afraid to say; I have an appointment after this, so I need to move on.
- Try to under promise and over deliver. Instead of promising a task in two days, commit to a week. When you finish in four days the requester is thrilled and you're not as stressed.