The honest to goodness truth is children will lie to you at some point in their lives. As I was writing this story, I was interrupted by one of my children. As my 7-year-old daughter Zoe headed off to bed, it appeared she was chewing something. In my exhausted state of mind, I just came right out and asked her, “Is there something in your mouth?” As the words were coming out of my mouth, I could definitely tell she was chewing something in hers. Not intentionally trying to set her up, I wondered if she would tell me the truth and if not, why?
Why do children lie? There are many reasons:
- Fear. They lie because they’re scared of the consequences.
- Avoidance. Sometimes they don’t want to do a task like brushing their teeth.
- Building self-esteem. They will lie to enhance their self-esteem or social status among friends.
- Protection. They want to protect themselves or somebody else.
- Before you play detective to determine who did what and why, fifth grade Independence school teacher Roselynn has this advice: reinforce your unconditional feelings for them. Burke says, “I reinforce that I love being their teacher and will continue to be thankful they’re in my class no matter how much trouble they get in.” Burke says if this works in the classroom, it will work at home too.
The Dos and Don’ts of lying:
- Don’t get into a power struggle
- Don’t ask questions you know the answer to. Trying to force your child to confess is rarely effective
- Don’t interrogate him. It just causes him to lie more to protect himself.
- Do focus on what happened, not on casting blame.
- Do gather as much information as possible. Falsely accusing your child will deteriorate his trust.
- Do praise her for honesty. It may not let her off the hook, but will teach her the consequences are less severe if she tells the truth.
Kansas City mom Becky Von Bargen says that last point is the golden rule in their home. She says her fifth grade daughter, Ashlie, and third grade son, Dylan, both understand “you’re better off telling the truth because you won’t be in as much trouble.” Von Bargen hopes teaching her children to take responsibility for their actions will help lay a good foundation for when they’re teenagers faced with bigger issues.
Now it’s time for the real truth about lying. Your children see or hear you lie. Dr. Ed Christophersen, Children’s Mercy Hospitals and Clinics, says parents contribute significantly to lying in children. “The most effective means we have for teaching children skills is for the parents to model them, the children to notice them and then to imitate them,” says Christophersen. That means no little ‘white lies’ whatsoever. He says a lie is a lie.
So how did my daughter Zoe respond? She grinned, opened her mouth and showed me the food. I praised her for being honest and then calmly reminded her to brush her teeth again. What would I have done if she told me something different? Hopefully I would have done what the experts recommend such as focus on why we go to bed with clean teeth and not cast blame or force her to confess.
Understanding why children lie and what you can do to help them take ownership of their actions will honestly make for children who are not only truthful with others but with themselves.
Heather Claybrook lives in the Northland with her husband and children.